it's amazing how similar life can be for so many different people, so many similar experiences, so many similar feelings, wants, needs, hopes, fears. i was having trouble thinking of what i was going to write about today, so i took a few moments to read the latest posts on jack's site and almost immediately knew what i had to write about today.

it's been almost a week since I talked to her, the last time being only briefly on the phone last tuesday, following that nice, grueling discussion we'd had on monday. for some reason i can't feel that it's over, that this chapter in my history is really closed yet. i suppose that's why it's been so difficult to write about it at times, there's been no real closure.

we both know each other too well to totally discount the possibilities.

one of the things she said to me, or asked me rather, when we were talking, and that added to the thought that perhaps she really has grown up somewhat, was a pointed question about me. she asked me what it was that i was afraid of. what scared me. i couldn't really answer that, but i was pretty sure i knew what she was getting at. i mean, i'm not totally fearless, but i couldn't think of anything at that moment that really scared me, or that i worried about. i'm in a pretty happy place right now, i've got a good job, making decent money, i'm actually paying utility bills on time, and may even be able to start paying off other debts shortly. anyway, she supplied my answer for me.

"i think," she said, "you're afraid of being alone."

and you know, she's probably right. at times i very much fear that i will spend the rest of my life without someone with whom to share it. i have the most wonderful friends anyone could ever ask for, but sometimes that's just not enough. and it's just made worse by the idea that i've been so close to her, and others as well, that i thought we'd be together forever. even still, i could see myself with her.

i've grown up some myself, i don't think i'm as afraid of being alone as i was when she knew me. i still am to a point, but i also know that i can make it on my own.