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Archive for October, 2000


2000.10.27 randomness:

damn. closing time and I can't really think of anything to write about. maybe i'll get some inspiration later tonight…

i just spent 15 minutes playing rock, paper, scissors against a computer. it's definitely time to go home.

oh. a friend pointed out memepool to me the other day. check it out, lot's o links.

- 06:06 pm - PL ::
categories ::  Cool Links

 

2000.10.24 susceptible:

from Merriam-Webster OnLine Dictionary:

Main Entry: sus?cep?ti?ble
Function: adjective
Etymology: Late Latin susceptibilis, from Latin susceptus, past participle of suscipere to take up, admit, from sub-, sus- up capere to take — more at SUB-, HEAVE
Date: 1605
1 : capable of submitting to an action, process, or operation <a theory susceptible to proof>
2 : open, subject, or unresistant to some stimulus, influence, or agency
3 : IMPRESSIONABLE, RESPONSIVE
  synonym see LIABLE
  – sus?cep?ti?ble?ness noun
  – sus?cep?ti?bly /-blE/ adverb

as in, something i am trying not to be, to her.

- 02:19 pm - PL ::
categories ::  Ex-Girlfriends - Love Life

 

2000.10.23 what are you afraid of?

it's amazing how similar life can be for so many different people, so many similar experiences, so many similar feelings, wants, needs, hopes, fears. i was having trouble thinking of what i was going to write about today, so i took a few moments to read the latest posts on jack's site and almost immediately knew what i had to write about today.

it's been almost a week since I talked to her, the last time being only briefly on the phone last tuesday, following that nice, grueling discussion we'd had on monday. for some reason i can't feel that it's over, that this chapter in my history is really closed yet. i suppose that's why it's been so difficult to write about it at times, there's been no real closure.

we both know each other too well to totally discount the possibilities.

one of the things she said to me, or asked me rather, when we were talking, and that added to the thought that perhaps she really has grown up somewhat, was a pointed question about me. she asked me what it was that i was afraid of. what scared me. i couldn't really answer that, but i was pretty sure i knew what she was getting at. i mean, i'm not totally fearless, but i couldn't think of anything at that moment that really scared me, or that i worried about. i'm in a pretty happy place right now, i've got a good job, making decent money, i'm actually paying utility bills on time, and may even be able to start paying off other debts shortly. anyway, she supplied my answer for me.

"i think," she said, "you're afraid of being alone."

and you know, she's probably right. at times i very much fear that i will spend the rest of my life without someone with whom to share it. i have the most wonderful friends anyone could ever ask for, but sometimes that's just not enough. and it's just made worse by the idea that i've been so close to her, and others as well, that i thought we'd be together forever. even still, i could see myself with her.

i've grown up some myself, i don't think i'm as afraid of being alone as i was when she knew me. i still am to a point, but i also know that i can make it on my own.

- 06:01 pm - PL ::
categories ::  Ex-Girlfriends - Friends - Love Life

 

2000.10.20 can't think of a title:

well, it's official. SyncIt is one of the best tools i've downloaded in quite some time. it's almost totally unobtrusive, (all you have to ever deal with, directly–after setup anyway–is the little system tray icon…), and it works like a charm. imagine my surprise when I opened up Netscape today and actually checked my bookmarks, and found that they'd also been whipped into shape by SyncIt! I haven't used netscape's bookmarks in ages, not since I (ugh. groan.) started using IE on a regular basis. And, not really having read the instructions to the program that much at all, i'd just assumed it was going to work its magic only on IE… silly me.

so anyway. it's pretty damn cool.

**update 12/17/2004** it's also pretty much defunct. see bookmarksync on sourceforge

god this week has been rough. i haven't really felt awake almost the entire time. i'm not sleeping enough, and when I do sleep, I don't sleep very well. I'm gonna have to start exercising, cut down on my smoking, start eating right… damn sometimes i feel really fucking old.

- 05:35 pm - PL ::
categories ::  Computers/Tech - Cool Links - Pleased/Like

 

2000.10.19 end it. let go. wake up:

it's been kind of a weird few weeks, what with the "return" of the ex-girlfriend, and i've had quite a bit on my mind.

most recently, we shared a few hours together after she got off work one night, sitting out in the grass in back of the mall, talking about things. the majority of the things that i most wanted to say to her are basically forbidden in light of our previous relationship. i couldn't think of any way to say them without looking like I was "out to destroy" her current relationship just in order to get her back, which i'm not.

sure, i still care about her a great deal, still have very deep feelings for her, and still think she is — despite the many mistakes she's made, and the amount of growing up she still needs to do — she is still a wonderful girl. if i thought i could get her back and we'd be perfectly happy, and everything would be wonderful, i'd probably try. but i know that things aren't that easy.

she is still with "idiot-jerk" and decidedly unhappy. this much came out in our hour & 1/2 long conversation the other night, wherein she, without my prompting, vocalized many of the observations and concerns about her that had been occupying my own thoughts. the fact that she knows what kind of situation she's in, that she can articulate the many problems, gives me hope that maybe she really has grown up a bit. still, she continues to endure her situation, and even admits to not having the "strength" at this point to end it (because it's been going on so long).

do you know how frustrating it is to be able to see so clearly how wrong things are and to not be able to do anything about them? i'm sure some of you do, i'm sure some of you have the same vision i have, the same ability to understand how people work… and i'm sure it drives you fucking nuts, just like it does me. do I sound like I'm tooting my own horn here? saying "I understand people!" possibly, but it's more a curse than anything really desirable.

i wish i could just say "end it," "let go," "wake up," or something similar, but I can't. it's something she has to do on her own. if i cause it, if i influence it anymore than just pointing it out to her, then it's not going to do her any good. perhaps if she can — separate herself from the situation — she can find herself, gain that strength that she needs, and learn the lessons she's being taught. if i can help her do that, without compromising the process, i will try.

anyway. this shit's been keeping me up at night, and I had to get it off my chest. thanks for listening.

- 07:03 pm - PL ::
categories ::  Ex-Girlfriends - Love Life

 

2000.10.18 cool tool:

here's something i've been looking for for a while now. with SyncIt, you can centralize your bookmarks, synchronize them automatically each time you edit them, and best of all, it doesn't interfere with your normal browsing activities. they have a client for Windows, and a pre-release version of the client for Macintosh.

**update 12/17/2004** SyncIt is no more. Bookmark sync client and server software have been released as open source and are currently stagnating at the bookmarksync project on sourceforge

- 01:36 pm - PL ::
categories ::  Computers/Tech - Cool Links

 

2000.10.18 the truth is out there, kind of:

I didn't want to enjoy this, but there's actually some interesting stuff that's been made available because of the Freedom of Information Act. it's still funny how the whole "disclosure" thing works, with one sentence or phrase out of fifty actually not censored.

the most disturbing thing was scrolling through the index and seeing my uncle's name. turns out my uncle has the same name (including middle initial) as an assasinated state senator.

- 11:22 am - PL ::
categories ::  Cool Links - Family

 

2000.10.17 oops:

i'm not doing much better.

check out bannertown at chickenhead.com for some of the funniest damned "ads" i've seen.

shit. it's almost lunchtime.

- 11:43 am - PL ::
categories ::  Cool Links

 

2000.10.17 i really should be working:

having nothing to do for a few days really kind of ruined me. now I can't seem to convince myself to do any real work around here. lucky for you, while I've been not working, I've been… uhh… doing research.

Check out this kick ass flash animation site–Modern Living–there's some really cool stuff on there. This link is courtesy Jeffrey Zeldman Presents: The Daily Report.

I keep meaning to post something other than just links, but i've been wasting too much time. I'll try to do a post before I go home today.

- 11:16 am - PL ::
categories ::  Cool Links - Work

 

2000.10.16 heaven:

I believe I may have just found heaven.

- 10:04 am - PL ::
categories ::  Cool Links - Happy/Love

 


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