after reading matt's most recent post over there, i'm left thinking about fathers.i've always had a strange dad situation. my mom and my real dad never got married, and eventually my mom married a new guy. i've known the new guy since i was 2, so, needless to say, he's always been around. my real dad died when i was 5. i remember one of the things that he always told me was to mind my other dad. back then the new guy was my "dad" and my read father was "daddy". it sounds pretty confusing, but there was a clear distinction.

i never got to know my real dad very well. since he died in a motorcycle accident when i was 5, it made it a little hard. all i have of him, these days, are a few photographs. i remember very little. scattered things remembered from your childhood. riding on the back of his motorcycle…the time he took me to pizza hut for my birthday and gave me the spider-man helicopter (finally letting matt know of the importance of that gift)…the times he'd come over to the apartment where i lived with my mom and my new dad. they all got along, which is odd. they were all friendly, and seemed to genuinely like each other. it wasn't odd for my real dad to come visit me and then end up staying for dinner and to watch the dukes of hazard. it's days like this, when i get to thinking about things, that i miss him most.

on the other hand, i've gotten to know my new dad (referred to as "dad" from here on) quite well over the past few years. he divorced my mother when i was about 9 or 10, but he's a good man who has always been there for me. i stayed living with him, due to the fact that my mother is a complete alcoholic. she can barely look after herself, let alone a child. i've had very few deep conversations with him, but the ones we have had have been very enlightening. there have been a couple of times, over the past few years, where i've stopped in at my dad's house on a late weeknight with a six-pack of beer, just wanting to shoot the shit. my dad, like matt's, has made some decisions he's regretted. my dad, like matt's also has to live with some of those mistakes. there's a solid sense of melancholy about my dad. a deep sadness. the family has been in bad financial shape for as long as i can remember. he's moving on in age, and is finding it hard to find work that suits him that can provide for himself, my step-mother, and my little sister. i take a look at things and realize that i make close to double what my dad makes. this hits me pretty hard. making me think about what kind of future is in store for him, what kind of retirement. it makes me sad to think about the situation. i've tried, over the years, to help my dad seek better employment, but he's such a proud, headstrong guy. these are qualities i think i get from him, and i can't say whether that's good or bad.

like matt, i think i'll take my dad out to eat next week. it's time we sat down, alone, over some food and had a long talk.