late night again. i can't sleep for shit anymore. i spend most of the pre-dawn hours staring in the general direction of the ceiling, just wishing that when i closed my eyes i wouldn't see her face. this will be the fourth night in a row. i wonder how much longer i can last. i guess somewhere in there i am sleeping, because i know i keep waking up from horrible dreams. all the more reason to not close my eyes.

i was at work today, trying not to think of things too much, which in it self is a monumental task. work plus misery equals just a lot more misery. keep that in mind. anyway, i was digging in my pocket for some change to get a soda and i ran across an old fortune from a cookie i had a while back. foolishly, i pulled it out to give it a gander, only to have more depression stare me in the face.

"an old wish will come true."

i remember how i felt when i got that fortune. i remember cynically remarking how none of my wishes ever come true, so there's a wide selection to choose from. i was in a better place with her than i am now, so i was wistful enough to wonder if any of my wishes pertaining to her were old enough to count. then i thought, with a smirk on my face, that it would be my luck for the fortune's magic to conjure up something from the distant past, like a bb gun, or perhaps the cool cobra commander with the hood instead of the metal faceplate.

and today when i looked at it, i just felt pain. none of those wishes came true, just as i've grown accustomed to them not. i've pretty much given up on wishes. as soon as you make one, you're doomed to never get what you want in life.

i read the fortune, felt it hit me like a ten ton truck, and then quickly stuck it back in my pocket. maybe i'll find it again on a happier day and not have to feel what i felt when i read it today.

as i walked back to my desk, i tried to clear my head and could only think of one thing to say…

"fuck you, confucius."