i woke up this morning feeling like my life was a prison.

i looked up at the wall and just thought "this isn't right." i felt, for the first time in a while "this isn't home." but i guess the strangest question that's running through my head right now is…where is home?

i don't have an answer to that question, at all. i was really happy to have all of the space that i now call my own when matt moved out, but honestly…it feels wrong. i'm essentially living alone again, mostly because jess is never home. i'm coping with some fresh heartache. i have cable tv. i have a playstation 2. they both sit dead silent. i barely use my own computer, anymore. this is, mostly, due to the fact that we don't have the dsl line at the house anymore, so it's become more of a chore than an entertaining diversion.

speed. flashing lights. whatever we want, whenever we want it. funny how you take convenience out of our lives and we go nuts. it becomes less interesting.

so…is louisville a prison? i don't know. i've never really escaped it for more than a week at a time. i go on a lot of trips, these days. weekends in other cities. usually i'm happy to be home. i can say that the last couple of trips i've taken, seeing louisville again was kind of a downer. i've been thinking of moving away from here for a while. my main problem is that i haven't a clue where to go. i have friends in a lot of major cities. i could move virtually anywhere. but, honestly, would that city become just another prison?

is my attitude on life really my only prison? i've spent a few years, drifting from heartbreak to heartbreak, wondering if it would never end, not really thinking about how to put an end to it. i feel like i was just involved with someone who changed all of that for me. i was able to see things how i hadn't seen them previously. that a lot of my issues from the past were really what's been holding me back. they were, essentially, holding me back from her. i made decisions to not have this turn out the way things of my past have. i did a lot of soul-searching. i dug under every rock in my mind, looking for clues as to how to put an end to this.

and i came up with an answer. and i made the resolve that this was going to change. and i set about making it change.

and i still want to make those changes. and i still want to make them for the same reasons. but now i'm in an entirely new situation and i don't really have any control over it. i'm trying to make the best of things the way they are, currently. i know that if i don't stop my usual trainwreck before it happens, that i'll never be able to salvage more than a token friendship out of this, if even that. and to be honest, i want so much more from this.

i just hope i don't get stuck in jail again.