she tells me i'm amazing. she tells me i'm attractive. she even told me once "if i had met you here, i'd want something with you." but since that didn't happen, no matter how amazing i am, i'm shit out of luck.

"here" being there and not really here at all.

i let this girl run rampant through my heart and mind. i felt like i finally found someone out there who wanted the same simple things that i wanted in life. things were amazing when we were together, but it dragged out in the doldrums between. constant obsessing about what we were and what we might be (granted this was mostly on my part)…the distance in between…her lack of wanting a relationship…these things all equal up to me getting the shaft, in the long run.

i've been holding off on writing about this situation for a while now. i felt hopeful. i felt like things might work out. i felt like i might be able to pull something out of this.

i thought things between she and i were starting to come to an understanding. she says she doesn't love me, i say it's because she won't let herself. maybe because of the distance, maybe because of whatever. i held out. i wanted to be there. i wasn't about to give up.

my worst flaw: i don't know when to quit.

i was hoping to drive down to see her, this weekend. i had gotten the new car and i was all anxious to get it out on the highway, take it on it's first roadtrip (with me, anyway). i wanted to spend some time with her. she waffled. said it was a bad idea. at some points, she sounded like it wasn't a horrible idea. and then she said that it wasn't going to work. she was going out with some friends on thursday night and that would effectively kill the amount of time we'd have to spend together. i relented, said maybe next weekend would be better.

i then put a two and another two together and made four. she was going out with a friend and a guy she's being "fixed up" with. stupid, foolish me.

and then it became apparent that i'm about as delusional as they come. seeing the world through rose colored glasses and ignoring all the important facts that are punching me in the back of the head. a fool to end all fools.

so what do i have left? nothing. a new car that doesn't seem so cool anymore. some effects pedals on their way to me in the mail. what i don't have is her. i wonder if i ever had a shot, a chance in hell…

the times we did have were beautiful…something i won't soon forget. i wish things had worked out differently.

i wish i had been worth her effort. for some reason…i don't feel so amazing.