i spent the evening hanging out with matt for the first time in a while. we went out and grabbed some dinner and then sat out on the back porch, drinking bourbon and shooting the shit. it was a good time, and we're hoping to hit a pool hall tomorrow night.

it's getting into that late summer period. where you sit on the front porch, drinking beer, and watching lightning from a far off storm race across the sky. it's that point in the year where you realize you're more than halfway through it, already. nights like this only spark reflection. a time to come to grips with your summer full of mistakes and missteps. a time to look regret in the face and try to live with it.

what do you do when all your summer amounts to is a stack of snapshots?

buy more film, i guess.

oh, beloved day off…day that i get to spend doing all those things i have to do…day that i get to do whatever i want.

day that i spend sitting at home.

i tried to sleep in late today, but the cat just wasn't havin' it. she's quickly climbing my "major annoyances in life" list, to say the least. i've spent most of my morning/early afternoon making calls and preparing for the trip to cmj in a couple of weeks. i don't know if i can really afford this trip, but it looks to be a shitload of fun, regardless. after this one, i plan on hitting chicago on the 27th and then staying near the home base for the forseeable future.

because, maybe if clyde gets sick of me…she'll let me sleep.

a friend at work gave me a scanner yesterday. he said he wasn't sure if it works or not, but i could have it, regardless. well…it works. score one free scanner for brian.

still no response from rally's. maybe i should write them another email…

in lieu of words…

okay…normally i would give this article a big "hell yes!" but right now i've got a pretty bad taste in my mouth, so i have to give it a huge "what the fuck ever."

nothing personal. just being bitter. very very bitter.

this is the email i just sent to the rally's hamburger company about the disgusting lettuce i found on my sandwich yesterday:

Hello,

Thank you for your time,
J. Brian Hall.

i'm reading it and thinking i wasn't nearly as harsh as i should have been. i went for the intelligent, point-making approach, for once. damn it. matt can vouch for my usual level of antagonistic corporate terrorism…

i must be getting soft…

regardless, my stomach still hurts. i'm stuck at work and contemplating a similar letter to skyline chili, in a bit. it's a sad day when simple food becomes your worst enemy…

i really should learn to heed the warnings. when i climb out of bed to a shitty day like today, i really should learn to just crawl back into bed and hide. try to sleep it off. but nope…being the idiot i am, i go ahead and go out and face my day, thinking "it can't get any worse than that, now can it?"

yes. yes it can.

after getting what's left of my heart crushed to tiny little pieces, i opted to head out and get some lunch. since i was on a pretty slim timeline and limited to the money i had in my wallet, i decided to grab a chicken sandwich combo from rally's. so i munch on the fries on the way back into work, saving the sandwich for when i don't have to juggle steering and shifting gears. so..once i finally got back to work, i trudged up to my desk and proceeded to tear into the previously mentioned sandwich. after a few bites, i noticed the most disgustingly slimy and brown piece of lettuce i've ever seen hanging off of my sandwich. as i'm staring at this disgusting spectacle (imagine that cartoonish slowing of chewing), i bite into what can only be an onion. at that point, i rip the top off the sandwich to find that the entire thing is covered in this sick ass, rotted looking lettuce. and onions! ii fucking hate onions! and they are not a normal topping for these chicken sandwiches (i should know…i practically lived off the fuckers when they were only $.99). i was enraged, but i was all the way back to work, by this time, meaning i just had to sit there and take it like a chump (that feeling had already been hanging out since i got up).

i've been feeling nauseous ever since eating that fucking sandwich. seriously. sick nauseous. not like a "that was so gross i'm gonna puke" nauseous, but one that actually comes from eating bad food.

i spent the rest of the day at work, drinkin sprite and trying not to heave my guts out.

and then i got home. i sat around for a while, still not feeling too great. until about an hour ago, when i realized if i didn't eat something else, i was going to be even more sick.

so i ran and grabbed some skyline through the drive-thru. black beans and rice. a dish you cannot fuck up, in my opinion.

i was wrong…so wrong…

let's say, right off the bat, that the rice in the previously mentioned "black beans and rice" isn't supposed to be crunchy. shit…cooked rice isn't supposed to be crunchy, period ("crisped" rice not included). i felt like i was eating black beans and teeth. and…my stomach feels even worse than it did before i ate.

lesson?

i should have stayed in fucking bed.

fuck. this really, really hurts.

my day is shit. it's barely noon. my day was shot to hell before 9:30am.

the details are really unimportant, i guess. nothing i could say about my situation would come out as either intelligent or witty, so at this point, i think i'll keep my mouth shut.

other than that, i'm sucking on the corporate starbucks (not deserving a link) teat, just because it's close to work. i bought a piece of carrot bread stuff that i'm not even certain i'll eat. i am hungry, but i don't have much of an appetite.

i may or may not be getting sucked into going to cmj this year. this would make my second trip to new york in less than a month. considering i'd never been there before my trip to see radiohead, this seems a little odd. and exciting. and thank god i don't have to drive, this time.

maybe i'll get lucky and some mole person will shove me in front of an oncoming subway train.

who am i kidding?

you'll always mean the world to me.

i've come to the (not so) startling revelation that all i've been listening to lately is neurosis. huge neurosis kick. i just recently got my hands on a copy of times of grace mixed with the tribes of neurot companion cd grace. it's simply amazing, to say the least. i recommend you try listening to them together.

note to self: stop being so frustrated.

i wish it were that easy, you know? i feel like i'm on auto-pilot, most of the time, just cruising through my day, hoping something better will happen. because, honestly, nothing good has happened in a while. i should be one of the happiest guys on earth, i guess. i have a good car for the first time in my life (its novelty has worn off). a good paying job (that i'm growing to hate). i met the most wonderful girl ever to walk the planet a few months ago (and now i can't get her to give me the time of day). i have my health (except for the fact that i was sick to my stomach yesterday). what more could i really ask for? see my instant rebuttals.

ho hum.

my barista had to make my coffee twice, this morning. he got it all the way done and then said "shit. i just made that like an iced mocha. i don't think you want half shots and 90 degree milk." i gave him an appeciative look and said "no thanks." he instantly went about making me a fresh one. when i finally took a sip of it on the way to the car, i noticed it was still a litle weak, but it was nice and warm, so i couldn't complain. and the weak thing was probably just in my head because of the whole prior mix-up.

and now i'm hungry as all hell. still at least an hour and a half off from my lunchtime, so i get to sit here and snack on bullshit like mini oreos. it happens. no wonder my stomach hates me.

when will it ever end?

how do you convince yourself to stop? your heart gets involved and no matter how hard you try, you still want the things you've been wanting all along.

it sounds so easy to take a step back. be friends. lay off. let it ride past. don't let it bother you.

but it bothers me. what bothers me is the finality. and this turns me into a broken record.

i mean…i can't even talk or write about it anymore. my head has just become such an unintelligible mish mash of hurt and longing that it's ridiculous.

i try to make sense of it, and then i realize that there is no sense to be made. "get over it" they say. "move on." well…i may have mentioned that i'm finding it nearly impossible to turn my back on the one girl who has ever completely blown me away on all the levels that this one has. i don't know that i can ever win in this situation. it's frustrating as hell. for all that i've ever mattered to someone, i just want to believe that i have a fighting chance.

i've attacked the borders of france with croissants.

i've wished on stars, even saying please.

i've admitted fault. i've taken blame.

i've said everything i can, a hundred times over.

and i'm still left wishing you'd come back.