how do you convince yourself to stop? your heart gets involved and no matter how hard you try, you still want the things you've been wanting all along.

it sounds so easy to take a step back. be friends. lay off. let it ride past. don't let it bother you.

but it bothers me. what bothers me is the finality. and this turns me into a broken record.

i mean…i can't even talk or write about it anymore. my head has just become such an unintelligible mish mash of hurt and longing that it's ridiculous.

i try to make sense of it, and then i realize that there is no sense to be made. "get over it" they say. "move on." well…i may have mentioned that i'm finding it nearly impossible to turn my back on the one girl who has ever completely blown me away on all the levels that this one has. i don't know that i can ever win in this situation. it's frustrating as hell. for all that i've ever mattered to someone, i just want to believe that i have a fighting chance.

i've attacked the borders of france with croissants.

i've wished on stars, even saying please.

i've admitted fault. i've taken blame.

i've said everything i can, a hundred times over.

and i'm still left wishing you'd come back.

today has been one of the most absolutely boring days of my life. i slept in and wallowed around the house, not even getting a shower until around 2pm. i went out for lunch at…where the fuck did i go? uhh…oh yeah…mark's feed store, and then headed next door to the record store to pick up the new neurosis cd. i don't really eat at mark's feed store much, anymore. i used to eat there all the time when i was dating this one girl, but i have only been back a handful of times in the 2 or 3 years since that blew apart.

ladies and gentlemen…too much explanation for my lack of eating at the bbq place.

the new neurosis is amazing, as usual. another steve albini recording. i guess they've finally found a producer that can stand toe to toe with their epic music. i recommend picking it up. hey…everyone has to scratch that insane metal-edged itch every now and then. not that they're really metal, mind you…they're just really dark and really heavy, for those not in the know. i personally think that their album through silver in blood is the soundtrack to the apocalypse. but what do i know?

doing my part to make lauren garrison famous. i don't think i really want to know where the title "princess cornbread" came from, but i think we can all freely admit: lauren garrison is a very cute girl. what other reason does she need to be famous?

so earlier today i took a nap just because i didn't have shit else to do. how's that for a fun filled friday night? after i woke up, i sat in front of my computer, browsing a bit, until i got sucked into the ikea website. i guess i was searching for versatile solutions for modern living. i didn't buy anything, but i'll be damned if i didn't see some items and hear myself say things like "hey…that desk is kinda neat. and cheap, too!" god help me…

i am not my fucking khakis.

will the posts never stop?

i just wanted to say…all must bow before tenacious d.

please…heed the warning.

i'm trying out a neat little applet i found on the web. it's a downloadable interface to blogger, using xml, i guess. it's called blogbuddy. if it works…well…this post was written in it. i knew that status.blogger.com page would come in handy someday…

i just had a telemarketer call my house. he asked for someone that doesn't live here. i politely told him he had the wrong number (even though he was the second telemarketer to call in 10 minutes), at which time he asked me what me if my phone number was blah blah blah 8563. i said "nope…8536." he said "ah…so i have the right number but the wrong name. are you in charge of the phone account?" i said "i just told you you have the wrong number and the wrong name." then he asked "well, sir, are you in charge of the phone account?" at this point i was about sick of this guy, so i said simply "no. goodbye." he said "i'll call back later." i informed him that would be a bad idea.

lesson? cats and telemarketers make it nearly impossible to sleep in.

hold. phone ringing again. what do you want to bet it's another parasite?

verdict? a computer calling me telling me this is not a solicitation. yeah. right.

i wanted to sleep in so frickin' bad today, it's ridiculous. so to all you people out there that get to sleep in every day, without fear of cats or telemarketing bloodsuckers waking you every two minutes? i hate you. really.

i really wanted to use "fuck them. fuck them up your stupid asses" but i felt like it was a bit harsh. you'll all know what i'm talking about come friday, anyway…

by the way, in case you haven't noticed, tim redesigned. i'd also like to point out that collapsing has been linking us for a while, but i'm lazy about saying howdy.

enough of that "in circle" blogging bollocks.

this is the best radiohead article i have ever read. hands down.

enough of that "linky" blogging bollocks.

as far as yesterday goes, it only got worse. thanks for asking.

enough of that "personal" blogging bollocks.

so, like paul mentioned over on puffin-a-go-go a post or two ago, he, brax and i went to see a sneak preview (much like brian did monday night…) of "jay & silent bob strike back," double-billed with "the others." it was altogether a great four hour block of movie watching.

i'd have to say that J&SBSB isn't my favorite of the view askew movies, and at this point (prior to a second viewing) it actually comes in third. nah, wait. i don't want to commit to that, i'll have to watch the other contenders again before i can say that. i'm pretty certain that my favorite of all of them is "chasing amy," which, if you take into account my predilection for falling in love with bi-sexual (or even straight-up lesbian) girls, isn't all that surprising. and i've just got this huge thing for Joey Lauren Adams…. boy oh boy. she's incredibly cute, and her voice (which seems to turn many men off after extended exposure) just adds an extra touch of uniqueness and enhances her overall cuteness in my eyes. joey, if you're reading this, i'm a really great guy… call me!

anyway, back to reality. i liked the movie overall (we're back to j&sbsb now, for those of you trying to keep track). there were some places where they went a bit overboard with the going overboard, and a few places where the comedic bits seemed a bit forced. will ferrell was awesome, as usual, but then, so was everyone else. hm. i don't know what else to say, other than that. i'm at a loss… how 'bout this: "it was good."

the others was also quite good. i'd pretty much figured out what was going on (or going to happen) before the midway point i guess (not in the first five minutes, like paul claims…), and was actually able to allow myself be taken by the story. it was told well enough that it did make me doubt the conclusion i'd reached, and i happily followed the director down the path he wished the audience to go. don't worry though, whether you figure it out or not, you'll enjoy it. i didn't really think it was all that "scary," but there were a few pulse pounding seconds here and there. i do believe that at one point, the entire audience hopped about four inches out of their seats…

earlier that evening, after running to pick up brax from work in the general area of the theatre, and having to rush home to get his glasses (pretty much all the way across town, mind you) and still needing to stop for dinner before the films, we decided to stop at a new place called the "blue moon diner." we figured "hey, it's a diner. and not only that, it's a new diner we've never been to." we thought we'd be able to run into this little place, grab a quick cheap meal, and get to the theatre in plenty of time. a word of warning: the blue moon "diner" is not really a diner at all, it only looks like one. this place was fancy, or certainly fancier than we'd expected. they had cloth napkins! what the hell business do cloth napkins have being in a "diner"? the food was a bit expensive, but really really tasty. and, of course, the service was a bit slower than we'd hoped for, but we did still make it to the theatre on time. i think we definitely want to go back there at some point, so that we can appreciate it for what it really is… a restaurant.

blah. well, i was hoping all that stuff would be better than it seems to have come out, but hey, at least i posted, right?

it's late. i know i've said this a hundred times, and i'll probably say it a hundred more, but i have GOT to start getting to bed at a decent hour.

count three beats. exhale.

i always thought the saying "drowning in misery" was kinda extreme, but now i realize there is no misery quite like your own. you have to hate days where you can look back and say to yourself "no…i don't think i've ever been as miserable as i have been today." that's a low point that is misery, just thinking about it.

two beats.

it's not really possible to fuck up any more than i have tonight, i don't think. it's really inconceivable that anyone could fuck anything up as rapidly as i have been destroying things over the past two days. i'm baffled by it. it drives me crazy that all i can seem to do is the exact opposite of what i want to do.

the last beat, rumbling off into the distance.

i just want to mean something. i feel like i used to, but it's all been evaporating lately, probably through my own doing. i want the things i write and say to hold as much weight to someone as they do to me. it's not easy to say some of the things we, as humans, say to each other. it's not easy to lay your heart out on the ground and take a few paces back. it's horrible to see that heart turn from being an offering, given only from your own ridiculous need to connect to someone, to a line in the sand. from a gift to a separator of warring sides.

silence.

what do you do when you realize you can never be with the girl of your dreams? what can you do when you have to look in the mirror and understand that, no matter how hard you tried, it all amounted to nothing? is it still defeat if you're just losing to yourself?

breath in.

repeat.

i'm getting incresingly lazy about posting to bipolar. i guess it's mainly because i feel like i can't really talk about what's on my mind. why? censorship? nope.

the person that is on my mind reads this. i do it mainly out of respect for her. i mean (a) i'm sure she doesn't want to put up with my shit when i'm not throwing it at her directly and (b) i guess it's a privacy issue. i don't think she really wants to be mentioned here.

and there she goes getting mentioned whie i talk about not mentioning her. chalk another one up to brian's ability to do shit the wrong way.

i went out to catch a sneak of jay and silent bob strike back last night. i was supposed to go with scott, but he ended up getting stuck at work. i went alone and ended up running into some friends from way back. it's odd to see people you've barely talked to in years. we hung out, watched the movie (i sat by myself), and then grabbed some dinner at the mexican place across the street. it was a nice time out, and i may end up catching up with them again saturday night.

one of my friends asked me about a girl i dated for a while, seeing as he met her once. i told him we weren't together anymore. he looked at me and said "still fucking everything up, huh?"

yes. yes i am.

so i'm absolutely broke. not a dime to my name until thursday. i'm actually overdrawn from my bank account. i'm eating cake as a meal, at this point. sounds great, huh?

what is bipolar to me? a series of anecdotes? a place where i post about my (uninteresting) day? hell if i know. no focus around here, i tell ya.

i fuck a lot of things up because i base certain reactions upon unattainable romantic notions. changing that fact would certainly make my life a lot easier, but it also seems like giving up.

case in point: this girl that i'm currently pissing and moaning over is everything i could ever want in a girl. she the most amazingly beautiful, sharply intelligent, witty female ever put on the earth. she's also this sweet girl who seems to appreciate me more than i think i've ever been appreciated before. some might say "it doesn't look like she appreciates you at all, moron!" but to tell the truth, that just shows how badly i've ended up faring previously. i'm sure she appreciates me a lot more when i'm not being a total dumbass, throwing myself at her like a man possessed. but hell, she laughs at my jokes. what more do i need?

what i need is to stop clogging her up, i guess. i need to stop bashing my retarded shit over her head. i think i walked back into a much better situation, once i got home, but i've brought it back down to shitty levels in record time. less than two whole days, people!

so…yeah. i probably wasn't supposed to bring any of that up, i guess.

fucking up, indeed.

finally home. new york was amazing. radiohead blew my frickin' mind. when you have a panoramic view like everyone at that how was treated to, you really can't ask for much more. unfortunately, i found out that someone didn't have as great a time as i did. a kid died from unknown causes somewhere around the time that we actually got to the show, in the middle of kid koala or the beta band. you can read about it here.

other than that, the weekend was awesome. we ended up just piddling about, most of friday. later in the evening we headed out into the ocean called the new york bar scene. we hit a rather posh-ish nightspot to lead the evening off, but decided to slam our drinks and get the hell away from the beautiful people. we decided to head out in search of a rock and roll club, so we talked to some multi-tattooed girls on the street to get a head up on where they were partying, that evening. we hit another club called 85a, thoroughly disliked the clientel and then headed to our final stop, motor city. that place was badass. a detroit-themed punk bar. there was a huge irish dude named frank working the door. we ended up finding our spot to spend the rest of the evening, and ended up getting completely plastered.

and scott pissed in the subway. followed shortly by him getting hit on by "dirty girl" and me and ben having to fend off "bald dude."

we hit ps1 on saturday, lucking out and catching kid koala for a second time. he played pretty much the same set, but it was a much better environment than a packed radiohead show. ps1 is awesome, though. it's run by the museum of modern art and has some amazing pieces. highly recommended if you ever head out that way or you live in the city and you haven't been there.

saturday night we met up with molly and headed out to one of her favorite haunts, sophia's. we had a good time and ben finally talked to some girls. it was a minor miracle, to say the least.

and then a twelve hour haul home on sunday. when you're stuck in a car for that long, you have a lot of time to think. i've had a lot of things on my mind, over the past few weeks, so i tried to get a lot of it in order, i guess.

i didn't really come to any conclusions. i know i handle things wrong. i'm working on fixing that, i guess. i know i miss her. i know i want to see her. i think she'll visit soon, so i'm happy for that. i just hope i don't blow it. i've got a lot of bad shit to try to make up for. the spotlight is on me and my frequent tendency to fuck things up.

wish me luck.

being a person who doesn't really believe in party politics, i haven't taken much time to identify which political party or philosophy i would most adhere to or identify with. i've basically figured out that i'm a social-democrat — the government should provide for the basic needs of all people with food, clothing, shelter, medical care; and the people should decide who and what makes up our government. (this is purely a matt term, i don't care whether i'm really applying it correctly in the sense of traditionally accepted political nomenclature…)

but, it was interesting to find out that both the world's smallest political quiz, and the party compatibility quiz indicate that i'm libertarian. not surprisingly, my second most compatible political party was the Green Party, who i would have voted for in the most recent political election, had i been allowed to vote (long story…). < quiz links courtesy of miss athena darling >

its late. g'night.