i walked out the door, this morning, to a perfect early fall day. slightly overcast, last night's rain still drying on the streets. nice and cool outside. sweater weather. the drive in to work was peaceful, listening to old favorites (the afghan whigs' gentlemen and the lemonheads' come on feel…). the cute girl wasn't working at the coffee shop, this morning, but the hippie dude with the funny pants that always throws an extra shot of espresso in for me (you kick "the ass", man) was, so it worked out.

as i navigated tree lined streets, watching what little sun there was filter down through the odd falling leaf or two, i started thinking about how life is never really what you want it to be. i've had the odd glimpses at true happiness, i'd say. some of them were actually fairly recent. it's just that those glimpses are all too brief. all too fragile. i've tried to set a lot of things aside, over the last month or so, but when i come down to it, the most recent glimpses that i'm talking about still carry the light the way they did when they happened. when things seemed like they were working out, they were wonderful. in hindsight, i think i'd still say that it was all worth it. i'd do it all again, i'm sure. i think, maybe, i'd just try not to fuck it up as bad.

but i decided to try to face the day not dwelling on all of that. as much as i'd like to call "her" or have her call me, or even respond to any of my past attempts at communication, maybe it should just lie there. some say "let it die," but as long as it's in my heart, it never will. some might say that's not exactly a good thing, but there's not much you can really do about it, i guess.

and then as i climbed out of the car, i spilled coffee on my pants. lovely. some beautiful fall day…