monday, monday. what to do when the coffee's gone?

how about we confirm a rumor? dave pajo (slint, papa m) is in billy corgan's new band, zwan. proof? how about this excerpt (scroll down to the headline "day late and a dollar short") from a drag city press release? why do you think dave's covering his tracks by going by only "skullfisher" on all official zwan info?

car update: it wasn't the starter. it was the battery. seth and i cut out of work and went to check it out. he gave me a jump from his super huge mustang battery and it started right up. scott and i ended up rolling out to autozone at 1am (24 hours! car parts! a rednecks dream!) to purchase a new battery, and now i'm listening to my tunes with my headlights on and everything. score one point for not getting the car towed to the repair place.

i also got a personal pan pizza at pizza hut. this was while i was still at work. i ordered a cheese pizza with mushrooms. the guy didn't charge me enough for it, so i asked to confirm that there were going to be mushrooms on it. he verified that information…

me: there will be mushrooms on that, correct?
stupid jock guy at pizza hut: yes sir. there will be mushrooms on that.

i also ordered mine for carryout. can you guess where this is going?

so some other pizza hut guy comes sauntering out a few minutes later with two little pizzas on paper plates (seth also ordered a pizza). i told him those were "to go" he ran back, threw them in boxes, and seth and i were out the door. since we were in a hurry, i didn't check my toppings. needless to say, when we got back, there were no mushrooms on my pizza. i like cheese pizza. but that's not the problem, is it?

note to pizza hut: hire some higher caliber morons to work at your restaurant. please.

jess finished moving her stuff out and cleaned her room. the way is now clear for scott to actually move his belongings into his new home. this will be made a lot easier by the fact that he is now a valid keyholder of the casa di bipolar. he is the newest in a long line of co-tenants, and i hope he hangs around. his comment "wow…this closet looks a lot bigger without all of her shit in here." exactly, m'man…exactly.

i finally found out how to link that whackass wishlist. you can view it here. it's pretty short, right now. it has some high dollar items on there, mainly because i'm just, well…wishing.

hail to my queen, baby.

so…seems like i'm keeping with a theme, here. every sunday i sit down at work and tell you about something bad that happened in the course of the just ended weekend. yesterday…the car broke down. yep. this sucks. it's a fucking '97 civic. it should be fine. scott and i determined that it isn't the battery, and another friend deduced that it's probably the starter or some other related bullshit. regardless, scott (the champ that he is) is taking care of getting it towed to st. matthews imports today, and hopefully i'll have it fixed by tomorrow evening. cars…what a load of fuckin' trouble.

i should add that scott gave me a ride into work this morning, as well. what a guy. we even dropped in for the morning mocha. "hey, new roommate…how about you do some shit for me?"

i missed the big meteor shower, last night. the girl and i were planning on rolling out to the country with some friends, but we ended up having a hell of a night friday, which we spent most of yesterday recovering from. let's just say it involved four bottles of wine, a few amstel lights, and a couple black russians. this was amongst five people, of course…

did i mention my car is broke? this is kinda pissing me off.

other than that, the weekend was pretty laid back. scott and i caught the harry potter movie on friday (thumbs down. i like kids movies as much as the next guy, but…thumbs way down). about the only thing i have to say about harry potter is…the star wars and lord of the rings trailers were really cool.

i'm working on a new wishlist, but their site is mildly retarded and i can't figure out how to link my specific wishlist. stay tuned for more "buy me some stuff" action…

i hope today goes by quickly…

since i didn't have a whole hell of a lot to do today at work (besides research & study), i took a few moments to make a couple minor changes to bipolar:

1. i finally figured out why cookies weren't working on the themes page in Netscape 4.x browsers. so that's fixed now. you netscape 4 people can now go to the themes page and set your themes cookie to your heart's content.

2. i added a bunch of DVDs to my new wishlist today, and have replaced the old amazon wishlist in the bipolar link menus with this new one. so everybody out there that would just love to buy me some stuff, get on it. now i just gotta remember to send the link to my dad (ie. someone who'll actually buy me something off of it.)

that's it for now. nothing real exciting happening.

well, i took a couple days off work last week (thurs. and fri.) for a little post-birthday mini-vacation at the ol' homestead. had a nice visit with my parents, and managed to not do a damned thing for two days straight. never even got dressed. i happily wandered about the house in my ratty robe, watched a little (ok, a lot of) TV, helped my little bro get his computer back in working order, and also taught him some guitar exercises to help hone his skills. of course, this is not to say that my skills are anything to write home about at this point, but i have picked up a few things here & there. altogether it was a very nice, fairly mentally healthy visit… my parents and i didn't get into a single argument. of course, we didn't talk about any "controversial" subjects either, but that's beside the point.

we (that is, the band and i, that is, lucifigous prick) attempted on sunday to get a recording by just mic'ing the practice room using a single mic and jim's crappy tascam 4-track cassette recorder. needless to say, the setup was sub-optimal. right now, we're hoping to copy-cat Old Man (that would be our dear blog-departed paul's musical concern with family funny-man neil) and rent a multi-track digital recorder so we can… i was about to say "do our songs justice," but i hardly think that applies… i'll just say "get a decent recording," and leave it at that.

but, at the very least, we do seem to be happy with the songs we've got so far, and everyone we've played them in front of has enjoyed them (at least, they've told us that…). we're thinking it's time we got out there to strut our stuff a little bit. we're also very seriously considering duping out whatever eventual "good" recording we can hack together, with the intent of supplying our friends with copies, sending them off to a bazillion independent labels, and possibly sneaking them onto the racks at the local record stores. perhaps i'll upload some tracks here for your listening pleasure as well.

but enough self-promotion and acting like i'm some silly rock star.

i've been attempting to motivate myself today (having nada to do at work) with getting a new (non-amazon-specific) wishlist together for the upcoming holiday season, but i can't think of a damned thing that i want and that anyone would be willing to purchase for me. not only that, but i can't think of any damned online stores to go to to even find the stuff i might want. i'm drawing a total blank. i'm never good a this sort of thing. but, i have installed the wishcentral.com bookmarklet in my browser, so now, whenever i find something i want, i can just click a little button and add it to my wishlist… wherever i am. ooh! i just thought of something! TDK Mojo MP3-CD Player. there's one thing.

anybody got any suggestions? what cool cheap stuff do i need?

ah well.

the puffin's gone now, it was fun while it lasted. if you do as brian says and , perhaps we can convince him to at least keep the a-go-go going as a record review repository. the man's got a taste and a knack for music, and his reviews to date have always been enjoyable reading in themselves. anyway, sad to see paul hang up the blogging hat, but sacrifices must be made sometimes in the interest of things you're more… uh… interested in. yeah.

fortunately, immediately after he wrote his last post, and shortly before i read the damned thing, i spent 15 or 20 minutes getting his archives fixed up real nice so they're accessible again. so, (and since i'm the proprietor of coffeemonk.com) we'll probably keep puffin-a-go-go up as long as we can, so you can all continue to visit and seek its wisdom.

anyway, i've given my assurances to the concerned mr. hall that i have no intention of turning bipolar into an unbalanced "unipolar" (his words, folks… well, i added the "unbalanced" part). i won't lie. i may be sporadic as fuck, as i have been in the recent past, but i'll keep doing it until my stalkers finally corner me and chain me up in their basement (or, y'know, i really get sick of the whole thing).

boy. what the hell kind of post was that?

hello, wednesday morning! hello mocha! hello dripping heavily chocolated coffee on my leg right after wishing my mocha a hearty hello! fuck.

just because it amuses me, i've stolen an idea and run with it…

top 3 webloggers most likely to spend time in jail:

1. me (i've been there, so i should obviously be number 1)
2. jon – slatch.com
3. greg – youlookgoodinblack.com

there you have it, folks…the roughnecks of the sissy-writing community. as jon said "we could kick some ass."

note to self: mocha doesn't make a noticeable stain on army green pants. excellent.

i grabbed metal gear solid 2 last night. i couldn't resist. it called my name. i was at a loss of common sense. i was not in control of my checkbook. and damn it…my eyes almost popped out of my head when i saw the opening cinema to that frickin' game. i'm gonna drop some simple instructions for you, now…if you have to, take notes.

:::begin instructions:::

if you own a playstation2, go out and buy metal gear solid 2 now. right now. don't order it online. that means they have to ship it to you, meaning it will take longer for you to get the damn thing. if you're at work, get up, act like a zombie, and head straight for the door. if you don't get it today, it will be gone. sold out. the stuff of urban legends. this game will blow your mind. it may make you weep. please be careful.

:::end instructions:::

it's a little known fact that ben lord's seven questions was shitcanned for not being funny enough. keep in mind that ben is one of my close friends. if it can happen to him, it can happen to you. better luck next time, pal.

i'm thinking of getting a new cellphone this week. maybe tomorrow. i'm tired of this pre-pay shit. they're totally gouging me. it's driving me nuts. absolutely apeshit. i'm spending over $100 a month just to make sure i still have contact with the outside world. keep in mind that jess and i eliminated the home phone once it was decided that she was moving out. when scott moves in, home phone service will be restored. but it'll still be nice to have a handy. roadside emergencies and all that hooey.

it looks like paul has hung it up, folks. he's decided to draw the curtain on the puffin-a-go-go. he cites his boring life and lack of anything interesting to post about. it's unfortunate, really. it was and always will be one of my favorite sites. to tell him to reconsider. maybe he could at least keep it open as a record review site…

ahhh…fuck it. i have nothing interesting to post about…

if they named a section of books after you on amazon.com, what kind of books would be in that section?
nerd books. classic fantasy and sci-fi nerd books, children's books, and pop culture gems. william gibson, nick hornby, ursula leguin, tolkien, etc.

what laws do you habitually break and why haven't you been caught?
i jaywalk constantly, and i have been known to provide alcohol to minors. i don't get caught because i am slick. why else?

do you think it's unfair that you don't get caught for these serious crimes when i had to go to jail for a mere traffic violation?
dreadfully unfair, especially since when i have access to a car, i speed regularly. however i have never done 57 in a 35 zone or whatever your ridiculous mph was, so on the other hand, it's completely fair. especially to the young'uns who i help to get drunk.
i habitually speed. that's not the issue here.
22 miles over the speed limit is a bit excessive, even for a habitual speeder. unless you're in a 55 zone, that is. you almost doubled the posted limit, sir hall.
i thought the speed limit was 45 and i was passing a crazy driving suv that cut me off at a stop light.
i think they get more angry at you when you don't even know what the speed limit is. a good driver is an attentive driver, or some shit.
ahem…next question…
ahem

name a situation you've been in in the past month where you thought "damn i wish i had a monkey."
well, let me think.
or a situation where a monkey would have been useful.
isn't a monkey always useful?
i'll ask the questions, if that's okay…
if this monkey was trained to steal beers from behind bar counters without ever getting caught, i'd like to have him whenever i go out.
fair enough. i was looking for a specific situation.
i think i need to up the number of monkey-enhanced situations in my life.

how many fingers am i holding up?
my psychic powers indicate that it must be three, a most powerful number that carries well over telephone lines.
wrong. i wasn't holding up any fingers. you think i was gonna wait on you?
my psychic powers are unreliable.
certainly appears so.

when was the last time you had a "hallmark moment"? what was this "moment"?
you're asking me all the hard ones. am i getting this question because i'm a girl?
quit implying that this is a sexist question.
i don't see you asking any guys about their hallmark moments.
most questions are only asked once. would you like me to change the question to "6. when was the last time you stuffed something (or had something stuffed) up your ass?"
no, that's quite alright. besides, the answer to that is a definite "never", and that's no fun.
didn't think so.
yet my life seems to be oddly devoid of hallmark moments. perhaps they've failed to entrap me into their not-so-clever marketing scheme. actually i am trying to think up a hallmark moment for today but it's just not fucking working.
what about when you broke up with your boyfriend? wasn't there a hallmark moment involved in that? like you could have sent him a card that said "sorry i'm dumping you"?
with kitties and puppies or something?
sure. or maybe a monkey making a stupid kissy face?
somehow i think that would have been entirely inappropriate. my last hallmark moment was when a good friend told me he would be poland in a conflict i was having with another friend. just that sentence, "we've agreed to be poland." hallmark could use it on their conflict cards. which i'm sure they're coming out with one of these days.
they should have like…late period "near miss" cards.
"i'm happy to hear you're buying tampons again." hrm, that just doesn't work.
they would say "so glad you're bleeding".
straightforward and effective.

how do you feel about ben refusing to call bryan by his real name?
i think ben is entitled to call brad whatever he feels brad's real name should be, though i think his intentions are less than honorable. however i do feel that brad is undeniably a brad, and that ben is simply misguided in this matter. all these b names are making my head hurt.

[molly is the first girl to be officially interviewed for seven questions. she posts almost every day to her diaryland site, as well as numerous other little writing hidey-holes she has across the net. she's also newly single and in need of a stalker. i hear she drinks like a fish and has some hot friends.]

color me a happy guy. i went to court this morning and got my speeding charge (22 over…57 in a 35 zone) dismissed and my suspended license charge was ran down to "no license on person." i walked away with no points from the license and a small fine. this round (finally) goes to me. it's really nice to not feel like a fugitive. since the whole retarded jail episode, i've felt like johnny law has been breathing down my neck, waiting to drag me back to "da slamma."

other than that, i'm flat broke until payday. that's not really a good thing. oh well. two days of being a frugal dude, i guess. been there, done that.

it's really interesting how much shit people get away with for as long as they do. so many people were in court this morning for missed appearances and unpaid fines. one guy skipped court five times and wanted to get his dui back on the docket. the judge was a little less than sympathetic. glad i stayed squarely on his good side.

note to self: pay fines on time. as in…soon.

tonight it looks like it will be a quiet night of watching movies. the girlfriend and i are going to comb wild & wooly for some obscure movies we've been wanting to see (she tends to get more obscure than i do), and drag them home for some serious couch time.

did i mention i'm the world's most uninteresting guy? well…consider it mentioned.

i forgot to mention that while i was sitting on that bench in the garage portion of "the station" that i was seated right next to the previously mentioned crackhead. his cop wasn't really happy with him, so he still had his cuffs on, while i was sitting there, cuffless, making calls on my handy (important calls…like calling the girlfriend to tell her why i wasn't coming over…"honey…i'm in jail."). he made loud protestations about wanting out of his restraints, bitching, moaning, pissin' up a storm.

crackhead: i wasn't smokin' no crack, man. i didn't have no pipe. you put that on me, asshole. i'm writing my congressman!
cop: do you even know who your congressman is?

he was apparently in the midst of a nic fit, as well. too bad for him that i was less than sympathetic.

crackhead (inching closer to me on the bench): hey man…grab that cigarette for me, man. grab it and give it to me.
me: no.
crackhead: come on, man…give it to me.
me: look…your cop and my cop seem to be friends. my cop is being nice to me. if i'm nice to you and i piss your cop off, my cop will probably start being mean to me.
crackhead: fuck you, man! give me that fucking cigarette!
me: get fucked, asswipe. come any closer to me and i'll tell your cop to beat the shit out of you.
(keep in mind these are well smoked butts littered all over the pavement)

then my cop ended up cracking a joke saying "hey, man…i hear you'll get further going straight to the governor. he's really sympathetic to people who are wrongly arrested for smoking crack. oh wait…you probably don't know who the governor is, either. my bad."

who said cops are humorless pricks?

i keep trying to think of something witty to start this post off with. you know…it's been a long weekend. very long. it all started as soon as i left work wednesday…

i should have known that those weird dreams were just harbingers of the true drama to come. the girlfriend called to cancel our tentative plans to go out for a little bit. she had a flu shot and it was making her feel sort of icky. i offered to bring take her some soup when i got off work, but she was already in the process of making some rice. she invited me over to share the rice, so i decided it would be a nice way to wind up the day…rice with the lady. can't beat it. so i roll out toward her house right after work. i'm speeding down zorn avenue and a cop is sitting in the median (there's a big grassy one on zorn) with his lights off, just waiting for a poor schmuck like me to make his night. well i certainly did, pulling a 57 or so in a 35 zone (yikes). he pulls me over, and i call the girl and let her know i might be late.

me: hey. i might be a little late. i just got pulled over at the foot of your street.
her: okay. everything cool? what were you doing?
me: what do you think?
her: okay. speeding. see you in a little bit.

so as the cop saunters up to my window i start to think about those court costs that i forgot to pay back in february. they issue bench warrants for those things (as i figured out from having to take jess down to clear up a similar issue a couple of weeks ago). so the cop walks up and skips the silly little "guess you know why i pulled you over" bit. he's a pleasant fellow. i let him know about my suspicion that i may have a bench warrant. he's happy that i'm forthcoming, he said he'd check on it. i try to be as polite as possible. i'm a nice guy, y'know. after a while the cop rolls back and asks me to step out of the car. "this is starting to suck" i think to myself. he informs me that i'm right about the bench warrant, which, in his eyes, is a totally forgivable offense. but he also turned up a suspended indiana license that i knew nothing about.

cop: yep…i would have let you go on that bench warrant. you can run right up to the 24 hour window and pay that anytime. i'm running you in because of that suspended license, which i'm sure you knew about.
me: actually, sir…this is the first i heard about it. shitty way to find out, huh?
cop: certainly is. please put your hands on the car.

so the cop is a really nice guy about the whole thing (aside from the "taking me to jail" part, anyway) and chit chats with me on the way "downtown." he says things should roll smoothly and i should be out in a couple of hours. as soon as we get into the station, he lets me out of the car, uncuffs me, and lets me sit on a bench while he finishes my prelim paperwork. he sits my property on the trunk of the car and my phone rings. i look at him and he says "you can grab that, if you want." it's scott.

scott: hey. what are you up to?
me: i'm going to jail.
scott: no…really…what are you doing tonight.
me: no, scott…really. i'm going to jail. y'know…bars, crackheads, tin cups and "don't drop the soap?" jail, m'man.
scott: jesus. what the fuck did you do?
me: i didn't pay johnny law in a timely fashion. i should be out shortly.

needless to say, i jinxed myself. they ran me back into a dorm cell before i got all the way through "pre-trial," totally throwing my minor traffic offense onto the back burner. i was in lockup for a total of 9 hours by the time my grandmother came to pick me up at 6am. they released me on my own recognizance, y'know. but not until they let the dui and admitted drug dealer out first. gotta get them back out on the streets, y'know.

the highlight of the experience was telling a crackhead i was going to kick his ass if he came any closer to me. he kept asking me for a sandwich.

crackhead: hey man…you gotta sandwich? gimme a sandwich, man.
me: i'm in jail, motherfucker. where the hell am i gonna get a sandwich? do you think i stuffed a sandwich up my ass, just to give it to you?

high society, i tell ya. remember: everyone in jail is innocent. no one that's there deserves to be there. "go out and catch a real criminal, man…i was just beating up my girlfriend."

other than that, i've been purposefully taking it easy. i got all my license shit straightened out (at a great cost to me…i'm now totally broke) and now i'm totally street legal. i got my car out of impound thursday morning (did i mention they impounded my poor little honda? well…consider it mentioned). the girl and i watched movies (akira kurosawa's yojimbo and lynch's blue velvet) with some friends friday night and then headed out to check the new coen brothers flick last night. all movies rated high on the "brian likes these movies" scale, with the coen brothers flick having an even weirder ending than is usual for them. highly recommended. the lighting is amazing.

and now i'm at work. i was late because the cops have 64 closed down for some weirdass reason, this morning. i guess it all comes full circle: me, my mocha, and the boys in blue.