2002.10.16 so, here's the thing:

for the last couple months, there's been this thing going on in my life that i've not really delved into here on bipolar. well, now that that's been brought to it's (inevitable?) conclusion, and since i can't say these things to the involved party, i thought i'd share them with you. who better to unload on than a motley collection of close friends and complete strangers?

she has returned once again, or rather, had returned. a couple months ago–after a particularly low point in what has become an otherwise smooth emotional roller-coaster, and after i'd just been thinking about her with more frequency–she called me up out of the blue.

she'd been almost completely out of my life for close to two years, and the last time i'd even seen her (at a distance) was more than a year earlier. she called me up and we talked. we talked and we hung out. we hung out and spent hours together. me, being the eternally optimistic, overly forgiving person that i am, was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.

i was doing alright, really i was. maintaining emotional control, not letting my thoughts run away, not letting my heart get carried off without my head. i was wary. optimistic, forgiving, understanding, but wary.

among the many things she expressed to me during the time we were hanging out, was the "fact" that she had missed me over the year(s), thought about me quite often, and just wanted to be able to hang out with me again. how sweet.

and i tried to believe her, i really did. unfortunately, the same warning signs kept popping up that i'd learned to take notice of in our previous "moments." she would call and complain bitterly about how bad her days were, about how she had no friends, no one to talk to, nothing to do. how utterly bored she was. i let these things slide. i know her. but, (and does anyone else notice this or is it just me?) it seemed to me like i was a "last resort"–she had no one else to call, so she called me. there was nothing better going on, so she wanted to hang out with me.

personally, i like my friends to be busy. i like for them to be busy and still want to at least say "hey" to me, to at least take a few minutes and just talk about nothing. i have always got something i can be doing, and sometimes i have a bad habit of letting that keep me from doing this for my friends, but that's my fault, something i'm aware of, and something i'm trying to work on. just ask nate, he'll tell you.

anyway, i know that i don't want to be "better than nothing" for anyone, no matter what the circumstances. and, especially if this girl who has fucked me over in extreme ways and on multiple occasions wants to come back into my life and tell me she cares and misses me, she'd better damn well be able to show me that that's true. she'd better say "y'know, i've got some work that i need to get done, but i *really* want to see you tonight. you wanna go get some coffee for an hour or so?"

so, then this france trip came along, and after we'd been spending all this time getting to know each other again, trying to be friends again, talking about what the possibilities were for us as something maybe more than friends, i leave for a week. i leave for a week, and the night before i leave, i have to practically *beg* her to come hang out with me to see me before i take off. hello, flag on the play.

and i called her from the airport the next day and i said "hey, if you're thinking about me, you know you can call my cell phone and leave me little messages throughout the week. i'd like that." when i get back home, there's one message–from Tuesday. fine, y'know, she's busy working, she feels weird leaving me message she knows i'm not getting. fine. whatever. no big deal.

i get home after my long ass flight and call her, but she doesn't answer. i call her again before i go to bed that night, again, no answer. finally, she calls me the next day, and talks about her drunken weekend and apologizing that she didn't call back sooner. she tells me that school's just starting and she's really busy. she can't see me. she's got class tonight. she calls me after class on her way home, and says she has to do homework. she can't see me.

well, so much for being missed.

so, i say y'know what, nevermind. if she wants to hang out, she'll call me. when she's not busy with school, she'll call me. after not hearing from her for several days, the obvious realization sets in. in actuality, she doesn't really care. she doesn't really miss me. she makes no effort to spend even the smallest amount of time with me after i've been on the other side of the planet for a week, so it's fairly obvious that i just don't mean that much to her. and if she doesn't care, then why should i?

i haven't called her back since… i guess it was last wednesday or so, when we talked and i told her some of this stuff. about how i felt like a "convenience friend". how i felt that she didn't really care. she, of course, gave me all sorts of excuses, apologized again, and told me that she really did care. well, again, i think the truth is fairly obvious. she called yesterday and bitched about how "the phone works both ways." my response was just "i know, i've just got a lot going on right now." she called again today to say that she "got the message," and that she was just calling to say "hi" and "goodbye."

i thought about all the different ways that i could undertake to get the explanation of all this across to her–i could call her, i could email her, i could write her a letter and take it to her at work. but i know that, if i did that, it wouldn't make any difference. it would be wasted breath, wasted thought, wasted effort. she won't get it, she won't accept it, she won't learn from it.

still, i had to get this off my chest somehow. i had to go through it to get past it. now it's out there. now it's done.

- 01:10 pm :: permalink :: 17 comments
categories ::  Ex-Girlfriends - Friends - Love Life - Rants - Travel - Upset/Dislike

17 Responses to “so, here's the thing:”

Javan said:

if this is the "she" I think you are speaking of… well, I will just ask tomorrow morn'. Anyway, I am glad that you realize the road is a futile one, and end it. You should. Que vous dire, c'est la vie.

# October 16, 2002,

brian. said:

hrm. what was the first thing i said to you when you told me about this whole thing popping up again? i think it was something about you being a fucking idiot and her being a retarded bitch. then you said something about having the situation under control (or a reasonable imitation thereof). io am now proven wrong on the former, but not on the latter: she is a retarded bitch. guess i should have given you more credit.

and sense when is javan all wise and buddha and shit? that's kinda scary…

# October 16, 2002,

Sara said:

Liked the girl in the past. Still like the girl. Don't like her messing with my baby brother. She knows that. Love you, Matt. Do you know that there were really cute girls at the wedding that you could kind of, sort of, get in email contact with, then maybe fall in love with them, get married, and have little Matthews? Maybe???

And Javan, good French!!!! Very impressed!

SARA

# October 18, 2002,

javan said:

never met joyce, and from brians comments, don't want to. However, sara's idea is a jewell. You are OLD enough to do that, matt, so you can take advantage, you should see the window of opportunity. Take it, as sara says, you could pick up a house in France, a pretty girl, and little matts! sounds like a good deal to me.
javan

# October 18, 2002,

m@ said:

my little brother loves to rub my face in the fact that i'm *old*. jeeze.

i certainly can't deny that there was a certain little girl in France that i could have been interested in. but, and here comes the real fun part.

there's a girl here in town that i'm just dying to ask out. if i can ever yank my cajones out of my chest cavity long enough to do it. i've had two opportunities since "deciding" to ask her out, and i've chickened out both times.

perhaps this sunday, things will be different. wish me luck.

# October 18, 2002,

Javan said:

sorry, forgot that people get sensitive of their age. I meant that you had the chance to "fall in love", as I did not. In this case, it definately had a good connotation.

ps: good luck.

# October 18, 2002,

m@ said:

well, i'm pretty sure you don't think of me as an "Old Man" yet, i just love to throw that card.

and besides, even 15-year-olds can fall in love. i did when i was only barely older than that, and it's stuck with me ever since.

and thanks. i'm actually going pumpkin hunting with her and a bunch of her friends tomorrow, hopefully i won't make an ass of myself… i can certainly use the luck.

# October 18, 2002,

brian. said:

pumpkin hunting? what kind of gun do you use for that shit?

# October 19, 2002,

Javan said:

well, a pumpgun gun, what else?

also, matt, perhaps 15 year olds can fall in love, but it doesn't work out to well when it is with a 23 year old!

# October 19, 2002,

brian. said:

seriously. javan…act 15. you're trippin' me out.

# October 20, 2002,

m@ said:

actually, we didn't use any kind of guns at all. it was more a series of bizarre traps, nets, and tripwires we deployed while stalking the wild pumpkins.

of course, the most lethal weapon of the day was the "farmer's wagon" (a code-word for "farmer's wagon"), which is where we actually were able to finally catch some real live (dead) pumpkins.

not a whole lot of pumpkin hunting in the rain. but it was a fun day.

and… (wait for it)

i *did* finally ask her out. and she said yes! yaaaay me!

of course, she's already got her entire week planned out this week (part of that's going to be spent in Gatlinburg at an aunt's wedding), so we won't actually get to go on our first date until the following week. but, i'm going to go play baseball with her and the crew tomorrow, and then i'll see her on Ernie's Tuesday for lunch.

but i ask you this: "do i look happy?"
(for those of you wondering, yes, i do indeed look happy.)

# October 20, 2002,

Javan said:

so you finally got enough guts to ask her out. This is your first date since… uh… um…:)

# October 20, 2002,

m@ said:

shush!

# October 20, 2002,

brian. said:

ZING!

# October 20, 2002,

Nate said:

So Javan goes from wise to punster. That's fitting.

Matt goes from sullen to smokin'.

Sara goes from… well… she pretty much stays the same these days.

Brian. Don't get me started.

And me? Matt has yet another excuse not to come visit. Bastard… thanks for noting your habits to the world though. 🙂

# October 23, 2002,

m@ said:

hey, i figure if i can talk about my bathroom habits, i can probably safely mention Ernie's Tuesday.

# October 24, 2002,

Nate said:

I was actually talking about your habits of getting busy and out of contact simultaneously…

But if you really are dying to talk about your bowels, feel free to liberate that fixation a bit…

# October 24, 2002,

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