Well, it is safe to say that I am -not- at the Empty Bottle tonight to see KWH. I wanted to go, but I rather needed to study for my two midterms on Wednesday, and lord knows five hours in the car and three standing around at the club aren't going to help me with those.
I can't really think of anything funny at the moment. Back to Ulysses.
Popularity: 1% [?]
It wouldn't even be a fight really. Fighting implies that both parties are punching. It would be more of a gang-stomping.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Does Brian posting mean that we can't post anymore? Who knows.
I'm in the midst of a nine-page final paper for a history class. Two pages and a bunch of reading in. I have three final exams to attend next week, and of course, between two of the exams, I have an interview at FedEx. Please cross your fingers for me so at some point I can start dreaming about owning a PS2 without feeling guility about the ironic impact of such dreaming on the possibility of finding a summer job. My mind is pretty weird.
As much as I hate Andrew W.K. the blogger, his music is fairly entertaining. Here is my review of the first track from his album, as done in "overblown Pitchfork 10.0 style."
Andrew W.K. – "It's time to party"
Clocking in an ever-so-brief 90 seconds, "It's Time to Party" encapsulates all of the thunderous sentiment that rock and roll once possessed, but is nary present in these times of pro-tools manufacturing. Shredding the gossamer wings which lighter songcraft depends on, "Hey you! Let's Party!" is a call-to-arms like few other artists could dare to approach, embossing its chants with a pounding 2/2 beat and an epidemic of racing keyboards. This music would defeat artificial intelligence – the final cure for James Cameron's Terminator – since the decidedly human elements of this rock beast would blow all of their circuits with its sheer willpower. As Andrew W.K. bellows out the final line of this doctrinal work – "There's going to be a party tonight!" – the listener has no option but to become the drone to his Queen Bee. Andrew W.K. does not merely change your views on music; his vehement party platform will change your outlook on life, like a rock and roll version of Marx and Engels' "Communist Manifesto," minus all of the boredom and low-fi production values that plagued that seminal work. It is a mission statement for an entire album of mission statements – perhaps not the most memorable track, but the most necessary in establishing a cohesive document for Andrew W.K.'s unique world vision.
Popularity: 1% [?]
(a drinking story)
I drank half a bottle of rum and a six pack. I don't know why. I showed up at my house at like 3PM and everyone was drunk, throwing beer bottles all over the house. It seemed like a good idea at the time. So, now I'm at work all hungover. My coworkers are all looking at me like "Are you a goddamn drunk?" I'm all like "Nah bitches. Step off."
There's a huge hole in my living room wall too. I don't know how that happened. It might have been a result of our Jump Into The Wall Contest. Landlord is not going to be happy.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Since one of the staples of Brian's normal participation in Bipolar is work-related complaints, I figure I'll fill that void with some of my own. I currently have a fairly cushy job at the University of Illinois Ice Arena as a supervisor, but unfortunately, the ice rink will be closed for the bulk of May and June. This means Sebastian needs a summer job just like ol' Andrew WK needs a cock-punch (Apparently he was on Loveline and Politically Incorrect last night – whoop-te-doo).
I was originally going to work at either UPS or FedEx, as both pay well, but my girlfriend is none too pleased with their possible hours, so that is a last possible resort. I checked out a similar opportunity with something called "Supervalu" but the sheer expanse of their parking lot and warehouse scared me in some deep, existentially threatening way. So the contenders right now are… the trio of Borders/Best Buy/Circuit City, for whom I picked up applications… IMPE (the more "gym" oriented wing of Campus Recreation)… and Hollywood Video (which is two blocks away and already in possession of my application.
The problems are as follows. 1. When a place says, "We're always accepting applications!" this means that they are not currently hiring. I know because that's what I tell people here. I believe all three of Borders/Best Buy/Circuit City all said that phrase. 2. I'm comfortable in my current work environment. I know everybody, I know what I'm doing, etc. IMPE wouldn't be too big of a switch, but… 3. I need money. Most of these jobs are minimum wagey. Bleh.
To add some humor into this work related diatribe, here are some of the funniest things I've heard people ask me at ye olde ice rink. 16 year old kid from Christian Broomball party at midnight on a Saturday… "Where is your potty room?" Asian guy asking for skates.. "Do you have size 917?" "Where is the ice?" In addition, pretty much anything at 5:30am on a Saturday is funny.
Popularity: 2% [?]
I have a day off in New Orleans. I love NYC, but this town knows how to party. Apparently, US currency gets exchanged for cheap plastic beads upon entrance to the "Big Easy," but I don't have any problem with this. I just walk around going "Man, she's beautiful" and "Fuck, she is beautiful" while chicks show me their tits and get me wet.
Some people have posed the question of whether or not I am serious. I am most certainly serious. I do everything to the greatest extent possible. I live life without boundaries. My music is based upon this foundation. I re-recorded my vocals until it sounded like I was vomiting out most lines, since that is quite intense. I believe that just by hearing I Get Wet, you will get wet, and that is a great thing. If my music is not your thing, that is fine. Just party till you puke with whatever you like and we'll be bros in the morning.
Would you like some cocaine?
Sebastian pondered if I ever shower. I only shower when I have pussy on my face and then I shower in cheap beer. My tour bus has running Bud Light on tap, so I said, "Why not in the showers?" and they installed it.
People wanted me to review records. I listen to almost everything, so this isn't too hard. My review scale is ***** = Ready to die, **** = Parties till it Pukes, *** = Parties Hard, ** = It better be time to party soon, and * = Got wet from broken colostomy bag.
Here are two records.
Mates of State: Our Constant Concern – Rating=**. I can only guess that these two people fuck a lot because they're married and their music doesn't rock too much. I make my most rocking music when I haven't shot my load lately (all slow jams for the next album), so all of this stuff seems like what you would listen to after you're done partying and getting wet. I never stop, so I don't know what that feeling would be like, but I'm guessing this would work for it. Their first album had fuller production, which I liked, while this one has too much free space.
Girls Against Boys: You Can't Fight What You Can't See: Rating=****. I should tour with these guys, because they seem to know how to party. Their keyboard/bass player used to wear a shirt that said "picture this shirt wet," which is cool, but also why they don't get *****. It should be "this t-shirt is wet." "Bulletproof Cupid," "Learned It," and "Crash 17" all showed how they used to be ready to die and ready to kill, but now they're just partying real hard, which is good, but not totally soaking wet. "All the Rage" and "Resonance" are covered in puke. It's a good record for the first 10 hours of a party, but when it comes to the home stretch, I'd rather have my record or Puff Daddy's rock remix of "All About the Benjamins."
Keep chatting with me at andrewwkillyou on AIM. I'm mainly off partying, but leave a message and I'll get back to you.
Popularity: 2% [?]
It seems like the response to our "friend" Andrew W.K. has been positive, so I'll stop with my pleas to Brian to rescind his Blogger access. I just wish he'd wash that one white t-shirt he wears. Shit dude, aren't showers included in getting wet?
Since I'm a nice guy and content is fun, here are some band
s I have recently taken photographs of: Shiner, Milemarker, Fugazi, Schatzi, Poster Children, and Absinthe Blind.
If you happen to need the right fist for the Transformer Predaking, or hell, if you just think it would look threatening as a pendant, feel free to bid on my item.
And of course, the reader participation part of the program. 1. What brand / model of 27" tv should I buy with my tax refund? 2. Do I need a Playstation 2? 3. What's the best Zeppelin album? Answers can be posted in the comments link or IM'd to winder18.
Popularity: 2% [?]
My pockets are filled with cocaine. Here, have some. So are my armpits, but that is my stash.
As Sebastian said, my AIM name is andrewwkillyou. I am rarely on it, since my normal day consists of partying, partying harder, puking, getting wet, and then restarting the cycle. I do like to hear about your partying, so drop me a line.
My new video for "She is Beautiful" is absolute art. It is Andrew W.K. to the greatest extreme. Its extremity is shocking in just how far past normal extremeocity it is. You will get wet from watching this video and probably without even trying. In just three minutes, it will show you just how wet I get.
Please use the comments to vote for my next single. I am leaning toward either "Fun Night" or "I Love NYC," but suggestions will add to the party.
So will cocaine. Really, you should have some. It's high-quality.
I will start reviewing other people's records tomorrow on the patented Andrew W.K. scale.
Off to party, bros.
Popularity: 2% [?]
Ben emailed me to say that Brian got pretty drunk last night at their first show of the tour, but he was nowhere near death. He only needed to get his stomach pumped twice, and after that, the doctors gave him a nice lollipop, so he was happy from there on out. Unfortunately, in the midst of his drunken stupor, Brian tried to fight Chris for his share of the drink tickets, and Chris and the rest of KWH locked him in the van until Brian remembered how to use door handles again. Overall, this is better than either Brian or I expected, so rock on, Brian.
Brian's cat just gave birth to kittens (Awww…), so we're lining them up to be Bonzai Kittens, so he could take a few on the next tour. It's so much easier to deal with cats in jar form.
Andrew W.K., who is a new poster here and a slobnoxious one at that, periodically comes on IM as andrewwkillyou. Add him to your buddy list and tell him to stop partying and wash his shirt.
Popularity: 2% [?]
greetings, my children, your puffin has returned! since brian is going to be out playing rock star for a few weeks, i have come out of blogging retirement as one of the fabulous guest posters. how the fuck brian got andrew w.k. to join in the fun i'll never know (and yes, he is your mother/father).
last night, i went out for some good ol' ramsi's food with the rasnastic one (look, he's over there —>), the norm and his gal-friday, lisa. the food was better than usual, but i thought the norm was going to pull a bruce banner on the waitress when she told him that he didn't want the type of wine that he ordered. "it's cheap and nasty" was her excuse. i chimed in that he loves cheap and nasty. of course the norm's reply was "well, what do i want?!" you gotta hate opinionated servers, that's why i stick to beer kids.
after that we hit the rud to see brian's rock 'n' roll debut. the first act showed up late and took forever to set up. they were… o.k. the second act was… o.k. telavet went on third and of course they rocked (scotty b. was actually loud enough to be heard, which is a good thing). next was the kilowatt hours with brian. i did not heckle my boy like wanted to, which is surprising 'cause i was pretty fucking smashed. the boy did well and i was proud. i'm looking forward to the vh1: behind the music on this tour.
cheers.
Popularity: 2% [?]
