what a crazy week this has been. i realize that i tend to think of myself as someone with little to no "real" life, a layabout, a lazybones, an anti-social bastard. for the most part, that's probably true, but the events of this past week have hammered home to me just how active my inactive lifestyle really is… throw one wrench in the works, and i'm struggling to hold on.

my parents let me know somewhere around the 21st or 22nd that my sister would be home (their home in Princeton, KY, not mine in Louisville) that weekend and would need me to pick her up and to take her to the airport. unfortunately, her arrival and departure schedules were timed just poorly enough to potentially interfere pretty seriously with my work week. now at work i've been just busy as hell. i can barely take time out to chat with my friends, though i do try. and we've got a couple projects i'm knee deep in that have semi-unrealistic deadlines so i really can't afford to take off work for an extended period at this point. my sis was trying to get me to take off a monday & a tuesday, then a half day on thursday to take her to the airport. i managed to convince her to get in touch with some friends and make arrangements to minimize my time away from work, but of course in the process i was really just compressing three days worth of activity into 1 and a half.

on sunday (when i had been planning for and looking forward to a cookout at a friend's house) we decided to cut the day's activities down to just band practice so i could leave at a decent hour. practice ended up running a little long, but it went pretty well so it was worth it. i think i finally left town around 6:45.

another odd thing that i've noticed is that it seems like every single time i go home, it always manages to be during a storm of some point. it always rains on me either on I-65 south, or somewhere along the first half of the western kentucky parkway. this time it managed to do even better than that. it pretty much rained on me down the majority of I-65, and all of the first half of the wk parkway. it was a very impressive storm system that stretched the entire length of that parkway, from Elizabethtown to Princeton, and i really enjoyed trying to catch some good looks at the huge, breathtaking lightning that was going on. i really wished that i had a camera and more time… i would've loved to just pull off the road and try to get some pictures of the sky.

i finally managed to make it home around 9:00pm. the drive through the old hometown was pretty surreal. i go home so infrequently these days that it's just very odd to see all these familiar things from which i'm so far removed. but i did make it home, and hung out with my parents for a little bit since my little brother and big sister were out at the moment providing me what would most likely be my only opportunity to really talk to them. (my little brother tends to monopolize my time when i'm there, which i assume is just a normal little brother thing). almost the first thing out of my mom's mouth was her asking me if i'd permed my hair. i explained to her as i pointed a finger at my dad that no, unfortunately i had, in the genetic crapshoot that is human reproduction, inherited it from him. this got us started talking about other things i'd inherited and from whom, and about family and family history. as it turns out, it is generally believed that i have some melungeon blood from my mother's side, and that my… is it great-great-great grandmother?… was Native American…. there may be another great in there, i obviously don't have any native american features…

anyway, so i helped my little brother (once he got home and i had to quit talking to my parents) dismantle some pieces of his old computer in preparation for the computer parts he was expecting on Monday. another reason for me to go pick up my sister was so that i could help him put his new system together. he showed me his fish which had spawned two separate broods, so there were somewhere around 100 barely macroscopic little fishies swimming around one of his tanks. he played me some of the songs he was writing with the little band thing he's doing, and i showed him a few tricks i'd picked up recently (namely simple things like the blues scale, and how to know what key you're in…) as well as some older tidbits of guitar knowledge.

the next day i took my car to the local repair shop to get the front brake pads replaced and ended up tooling around town until the work was done. i walked up and down the courthouse square area and ended up in front of sharon's parent's business. i went in and had 15 or 20 minute conversation with sharon's mom, and found out that i'd missed seeing sharon by about an hour. i didn't even have any idea she was going to be in town, or i'd have forwent band practice on sunday… ah well. i guess that's the way things work out sometimes, but sharon, if you read this, i'm sorry i missed you.

once i finally got home from that outing, i helped my bro set up his new machine (thankfully, all the parts had arrived.) of course, we ended up having to run out to radio shack twice to pick up some extra parts that he hadn't known to buy beforehand. but we did finally get the beast up and running at around 7:30 or 8:00, and i got the windows installation started for him.

sara and i left town much later than we should have, and ended up getting into Lexington around 1 in the morning on Tuesday. she gave me some crazy directions to get back home to louisville that i ended up screwing up briefly, and i ended up getting home around 3:30. i slept a couple hours then went through most of the day at work pretty much zombiefied. then that night i had band practice again. nice little bookend to the trip home since being at work for 8 hours didn't really help me feel like the whole weekend ordeal was over.

my bandmate's wife had brought home the kittens she'd told us about, and he surprised us with them (since they hadn't told us they actually HAD them yet…). we ran out after practice and got the necessary things, litterbox, food dish, food, litter, and then took them to their new home. we'd called paul to let him know we were bringing them, so he was still up to see them and play with them a bit.

it was amazing. after climbing out of the carrier, the little things were just wandering all over the house, in full-on explore mode. of course, brax and paul were waving their toys around effectively forcing them to postpone their explorations for some play time, but it was all alright. they adjusted so well and so quickly it was just really surprising. no accidents, no complaints, not even any hiding under the bed. they were just kind of walking around like "ok, let me figure out where the hell i am and what all this stuff is, then i'll come hang out and play with you all." they went to their litter box like it'd been in this house in that location for all 12 months of their lives, and they found the food and water and ate with no hesitation. and boy are they cute.

so i ended up staying up with them until around 3:30am. another night with little sleep. yipee.

wednesday is the traditional comics/denny's day, which was good, as usual (it's nice to have those routines, sometimes). and a little later (like around 9:30pm) my sister finally showed up. she stayed with us that night so that i could take her to the airport on thursday. i think i finally got to bed around 3:00am. (keep in mind, i have to wake up at around 7:45am every day…)

i worked straight through until 2:00, left work early and picked up my sis at home. we grabbed some lunch and then headed out to the Cincinatti airport (near Florence, KY and at least 30 minutes outside of Cincinatti). after nearly falling asleep throughout most of the drive, we finally got to the airport and i helped her carry in her bags and kept her company for a while. we stopped and had drinks (coffee for me, diet coke for her) at the "cafe", and just kind of hung out and talked for a while. we said our goodbyes and she headed back to france for another good year. me, i headed back home. thankfully the coffee had done the trick and i didn't have as much of a struggle with sleep on the way back home.

once i got home, i took a little time to relax, then called up brian to see if he still wanted to hang out. he came and picked me up and we headed out to fazoli's for some italian fast food. he had to show me his new musical equipment, so i got to play around with his nice new Gibson and his crazy pedals for a while. and, as he pointed out, we hung out for a while on the back porch (the main feature of the old apartment that i really miss) drinking bourbon and just chatting. a pretty pleasant night, overall.

and that was pretty much the entirety of my week thus far. so much for not having a life, eh? now, it's friday, i've got a three day weekend, and i've been sitting here at work for an extra hour to write this blog entry… i've gotta get out of here and start the maxin' and relaxin. i feel like maybe this time, i actually deserve it.

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where to begin?

the last week at work has been rather… interesting, to say the least. the roosters are crowing while the little chicks and hens are just kind of nervously clucking and hopping about. top that off with my aforementioned bout with near-deathly illness (that being a rather nasty head-cold), by the time friday rolled around, i was ready to just kind of kick back and enjoy the weekend. i got an invitation from some co-workers to go out and wind down with a little drinkage after the workday, and, for once, had actually agreed (if somewhat reluctantly) to go. so, 10 minutes before i'm getting ready to head out, brian finally pops up on AIM, and i tried to find out if he and paul had any immediate plans for the evening of which i should be made aware. in other words, if they were actually planning on going out and doing something fun, i was going to ditch my work buddies and tag along with my homies. if, on the other hand, it was friday business-as-usual–no defined plans, except just taking the night as it comes–i'd go ahead and get my drink on with the corvus crowd.

so, here i am, wanting only one thing — a definitive answer as to whether or not he and paul had anything planned. what i got was some half-baked crap about "having something good planned" for me specifically, and that i would "definitely like it." i'm not sure if they could tell by my snappy responses, but i was actually getting very frustrated at them for being so damned evasive. i got this vague idea in the back of my head that maybe this had something to do with sharon, as i vaguely recalled some conversation we'd had almost a month ago about the possibility of her coming through town in the near future. and also, i figured that both brian and paul know how much she means to me, and that she'd pretty much be the only person for whom i'd consider changing my plans. their mutual assertions that it would be "worth it," and paul's "trust me," pretty much cinched it for me. (of course, i think that until they read this, they're still under the impression that i was completely hoodwinked.)

and sure enough, moments after i got home (having noticed that the front door was suspiciously unlocked), who should come up the stairs but sharon herself, in all her radiant beauty. i don't know how many of you have ever actually had a "frown turned upside down" in the space of two heartbeats, but i can authoritatively say that it does happen. we spent the next few hours just hanging out and talking, having a good time. i finally got to meet the boyfriend that i've heard so much about, and having met him and gotten to know him a little, i have to grudgingly give him my approval. well, you know, not that that really matters. but it's like i told him as they were leaving… "you better take good care of her, 'cause i don't want to have to hurt you."

sharon and i shared a couple whiskey shots, chased with some really flat coke (which, i realized, is one way that i can actually do whiskey shots, lord help us) and chatted briefly down in the kitchen, before rejoining the rest of the boys upstairs. all in all, it was a low-key visit, but a very welcomed one. i'm always happy to talk to sharon, and obviously so much happier to actually get to see and spend time with her. but i'm greedy, i wish she (yes, and grant as well) could have stayed a little longer, hung out, maybe had a big crazy night drinking, bowling, and carrying on. maybe we'll be able to do that when i go visit them in sunny cali. we'll go show those little hollywood bums how to really party.

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well, just got back from dinner with my father. he picked the Irish Rover, which was great for me, since it's probably my absolute favorite restaurant of all those on the list. overall, it was a good dinner (the food was excellent, as usual), even though we did get the evil waitress from hell. to be honest, i'm surprised she's still working there, she obviously hates it. she was much better this time out, but then again, how could she have been any worse? needless to say, we got out of there before the whole paying the bill / leaving a tip thing came up. but i did get a particular pleasure out of relating the entire story (minus the fact of paul & brian's drunkenness during the events) to my dad, since it at least gave us something to talk about… which leads me to my next observation…

i am too much like my father. i think, all these years, i've blamed my almost morbid quietude in social situations on the fact that the majority of my friends in high school were people who loved to hear themselves talk. i was the kid who could almost never get a word in edgewise. but now, after hanging with my dad this evening, i'm beginning to think it may simply be paternal emulation. getting a conversation started with my dad tonight was like pulling teeth.

me:  "uh. so, uh. how's things?"

how's things!? what the hell kind of question is that to ask your father? and, of course, my father's response:

him: "oh… good. y'know." (or something along those lines)

me:  "… … cool."

<< side note: paul just called me out last night on the phone. he pointed out that i almost always answer any statement or question with just one word — "cool." (in a kind of dull monotone) > >

well, after several false starts, we did hit a few almost good conversations in there, the main one being when he informed me that, when i was four and the family was planning to move to Kentucky, my primary apprehension about the move was… indians. yep, indians, i was apparently afraid that Kentucky, that vague forest-land was teeming with wild, violent, Daniel Boone, Bill Custer at Little Big Horn type indians. and really, i think this is possibly the most important thing my father has ever told me since i moved out of the house and went to college, because, get this, my earliest memory of a childhood dream was about indians attacking our house and the little old lady who gave my sister and i milk and cookies.

well, now i think i understand that dream a little better. obviously it was some kind of anxiety dream about moving to Kentucky.

another conversation we got on was the life decisions issue. it kind of saddened me to hear that there are several things in my dad's life that he sometimes wishes he'd done differently. the only one he specifically mentioned was moving to Princeton. i can't help but wonder if some of the others have anything to do with me. as i've told several of my friends when we've gotten on similar topics, there is only one thing i really regret in my life–the horrible way i mishandled the breakup with the girl who i seem to be mentioning quite a bit lately. that whole situation is probably the only thing i'd go back and change if given a chance.

altogether, i guess it was one of the better father/son hang-out sessions we've had, despite the absurd conversational difficulties. probably the best part was that i got to take him to dinner. normally, he pays for dinner, then slips me a twenty before he leaves. this time, i paid for dinner, and he didn't slip me the twenty… it was liberating, and it just felt good.

in other family news, my sister has been so completely enthralled by the wondrous adventure that is bipolar, she had to go and start her own little weblog. at this point, i've given her a couple days to get into the groove, so go check it out. she's currently living in france, so perhaps she'll be able to expose us all to a little culture… or at least teach us how to say dirty words in french. oh, and that's multi - literate, not mult - illiterate or some such. she's quite the intellectual.

damn. two longish posts in one day… what's up with that?

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it's amazing to me how just a few little words from the right person can brighten a day so much.

a very dear friend of mine has recently bloggerized her online journal, and her latest entry contains an excerpt from one of my most recent emails. aside from her compliments, which are humbly accepted, the thing that meant the most to me, the thing that brought a smile to my face and warmed my heart, was when she called me "dear."

this girl means so much to me. she is the love of my life, the one woman who to this day, if she were simply to ask, could prompt me to drop everything and go to be with her. she is the holy grail of my arthurian crusade. (and if you think i'm going a little off the deep end and risking freaking her out, don't you worry your little heads none–she's heard all this before… and much more) despite the fact that our time together came and went a long time ago, i value her friendship most of all.

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ok, here's a reduced calorie version of the post i attempted to make the other day.

( or, the story of the year 2000 )

other things that happened pre-bipolar:

started the year in the arms of a beautiful woman, who i ended up falling in love with, and who ended up leaving me a couple months later.
lost my job of two years at the local bookstore, because of my own negligence.
spent two months off work, before breaking down and taking the Kinko's job (around the time of bipolar's first month).

so, now it's a new year, i've got the perfect job, and i'm making good money. hopefully this year will be a little better than the last.

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well, after almost 10 days of chaos, it would seem that the planets have aligned closely enough to allow me a moment to do an update. i'm sitting at home right now, wrapped in my comfy bathrobe, alone alone alone. for the first time in i don't know how long.

took my yearly trip to visit my grandmother and assorted family on my mother's side for christmas, and fell further into this bad habit of mine. it seems like every year i get more and more disconnected from everything that's supposed to mean the most to me–my family and friends. almost as soon as i got to my grandmother's house, i went down into the basement, picked up the awesome Batman: Black & White that Paul got me for Christmas, and read half of it before people realized i was missing and started coming downstairs to convince me to come up and hang out.

part of the thing is, there is so much not happening in my life, nothing of real importance anyway, that i rarely have anything to talk about. and, as Paul pointed out, pretty much everyone in my family is blindly Republican, so i really don't have anything more in common with them than blood and a little history. and despite what people try to say, that is just not enough.

so, i'm hanging out at my grandmother's house for four days, being almost totally anti-social, getting depressed about the fact that i seemingly can't connect on a human level with anyone anywhere anytime, and the fact that it's christmas and the joy and happiness i used to feel as a child just isn't there anymore. the excitement at waking up in the morning and seeing what "santa" had left in my stocking and under the tree is gone. it's just another day in a repeating series of 365 that never seems to end, that just constantly loops.

two of my younger cousins are married, one already has a new baby and the other is expecting. i'm not alone in the singles arena, but these cousins are like 5 or 6 years younger than me. i always, growing up, figured that i would get married around 21, have a child by 25 and be able to spend christmas at grandma's with my loving wife, making goo-goo eyes at her and basking in the warmth of her interactions with my aunts and female cousins while the entire family gathered around and gushed over my adorable baby. i never expected to be the 27 year old, single, anti-social deviant of the family. the basement-dweller.

then christmas day comes, we're all gathered around in the living room, all… christ, like 25 - 30 of us, unwrapping presents, talking, laughing, carrying on. i get more boxes than i really expected too, which is nice, i suppose. but then i look over at my mom & dad, sitting over there in a corner of the room, mom holding (my cousin's) new baby with a big motherly smile on her face, dad sitting in the floor next to her, and i notice that there is only ONE bag, only ONE present of any kind in their vicinity. i looked more closely at my mother's face, and thought that i could see–through the happiness at watching her family's joy–a little sadness, a little dissapointment, a question. i felt like i could see the same emotion that i'd felt on a few occasions as a child (or a teenager) when i felt like i'd not gotten quite enough presents to really know that i was loved. (which was really silly of me, but we all know how that goes). MY PARENTS had only gotten ONE present. three children, mom's seven sisters & brothers, their wives, their children, and only ONE present. once i came to this realization, whatever joy i had was no longer there. i focused on the look in my mothers face, the look that was deeper than the almost eternal mask of happiness she carries. i looked at my father and saw the same look that i must have had on several different occasions throughout the years, saw the same body language, the same almost unnoticeable indication of dissapointment. the same struggle to maintain the masks of joy that are required on christmas day.

after the christmas wrapping carnage was over, i carried my new things down into the basement, threw on my coat, and went out for a smoke. the one place i was sure i wouldn't be interrupted. i thought about my parent's one present, i thought about the fact that i'd had to call my parents two weeks ago to ask for my christmas money early just so i wouldn't overdraw my checking account. i thought about all the other times i've had to call on my parents to bail me out of some self-inflicted financial hardship or other, and how they've always come through for me. i thought about how i was able to buy presents for most of my friends (whom i love dearly) but i wasn't able to buy a single thing for my parents.

next year will be different. i'm going to make an effort to save money throughout the year so that, when christmas rolls around, i'll have a nice little stash set aside for transforming my parents falsely joyful faces into faces of real happiness. into faces that say that they know they are loved.

next christmas will be different.

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it seems that there are some situations in life that you will always be doomed to repeat, or to find out you've repeated them without even being aware of it.

i was just made aware last night that this girl I used to work with, and whom I'd had a huge crush on the entire time she worked there, had also had a crush on me. DAMN. 'course, she was dating someone at the time, but still. i HATE finding out stuff like this, because I always feel like a fool for not having any clue. and, of course, this isn't the only time something like this has happened. why, with me, is it almost always a case of bad timing? why can things never happen how and when they should? what is the deal?

still. there's hope. and simultaneously there's the complete lack of hope. i've also found out that she is now single, living with another girl who was a great friend of mine and who helped me through quite a bit of emotional struggles with the idiot-jerk dating girl mentioned in my last post. there's the hope. the final piece to the puzzle (you may, at this point, be thinking, "hey, sounds great. you're single, she's single, you're both aware of your mutual attraction, now all you've gotta do is hook up."), the piece that makes this such a similar picture to all the other puzzles in my life, is that she's leaving next May to join the Peace Corps for two years. what wouldn't I give to at least find out if there might be something to that mutual attraction we felt over a year ago. do I dare try to establish something with this great girl, just to have her run off and leave the country in less than a year? do I set myself up so that I have to deal with this situation again, or do I just take what I've got–a nice feeling–and leave it at that?

knowing myself as well as I do, which I tend to think is pretty well, most of the time, i'm sure i'll try to see what might develop and then deal with the inevitable leave-taking when the time comes. the potential for happiness is too great to pass up.

well, this is getting kinda long, don't wanna send too many of you running & screaming, bleeding from the eyes.

two final points.

I've just changed cubes here at work. pretty sad that I've had to move after only being here a little over two months. i like the new place better, i've got my back (and my monitor) to a wall, and my eyes facing the "door." i feel quite a bit more comfortable here. funny thing is, as I was moving stuff around, I found a CD-R behind the desk, popped it in the drive (once I got everything set up) and found an amazing collection of really bad MP3 files. i had thought the guy that used to occupy this cube seemed like a pretty decent "cool" guy, but this CD is filled with bad 80's hair metal music, Days of the New, frickin Matchbox 20, limp bizkit, and other stuff too horrible to mention. on the positive side, there's some Johnny Cash, a Duran Duran track, Prince, a couple Jane's Addiction, Foo Fighters… a few decent things. I hate to say it, but just having Matchbox20, limp bizkit, and Bush on the same disc kind of negates the coolness factor of the good stuff.

and finally, something I found that's just fuckin funny as hell. it's on this moderately interesting site word.com, that you should browse around after viewing this little shockwave goodie. **update 12/17/2004 this site now goes to Merriam-Webster Online. linkrot sucks.**

that's it. i'm out.

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( OR, himself the fool makes )

the story thus far:
boy meets girl, boy falls madly in love with girl, boy and girl are very happy, girl leaves boy for idiot jerk, boy gets over girl, girl comes back on her knees but boy has another girl, boy loses other girl, boy finally forgives girl, girl finds boy again, boy has hope, boy finds out girl is still with idiot jerk.

story of my life. bad timing, miscommunication, falling for the wrong people. it would seem that happiness is truly the transient state, unhappiness is what life is made of.

i've also found that, should we ever learn to circumvent the effects of gravity, hope never will.

I think John Lennon said it best: "ow! hey, what the fuck!? ack."

but unlike John, I'll be ok.

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I have just witnessed one of the most embarrasing spectacles of the twentieth century. last night, brian, Jess, (brian's friend) Scott, & I all went down to the waterfront to catch a "free" show. the scheduled entertainment for the evening was Tone Loc and C&C Music Factory. I wasn't expecting much, but it was a free show, and I did recognize the names involved–I even actually used to like Tone Loc, so I thought it would be an interesting evening out for four broke-and-bored-as-hell people.

as we approached the entrance, we noticed that they were actually taking money, so in a flash of fortuitous thought, we decided to take a stroll to a point where we could hop the fence (not that that was a really difficult task, but…).

C&C were already on the stage as we approached, and pretty much from the moment we'd gotten out of the car, we'd been laughing our asses off at the lame attempt at edgy, funky, hip-hop. now, C&C were never what one would consider "good", but I did like that one song at one point (back in high school when the only music I had to listen to was WPKY in Princeton, KY.–if you haven't heard of Princeton, you get the idea…) anyway, as we listened further to the strangling cat sounds coming from the stage, and the worse than a three year old, totally non-flowing "freestyle" coming from the "leader", we began to despair and would have immediately started looking for long range weapons, had we not been completely mind-wiped before we could protect ourselves.

eventually, we just started yelling for them to get off the stage, go home, go shoot themselves, or whatever during lulls of the "music". death would have been much more enjoyable… a slow, gruesome, excrutiatingly painful death.

I was simply holding out for Tone, holding a flicker of hope in my heart that he might be somewhat good.

all I can say is that he was better. he, at least, could freestyle with some actual style. it was still somewhat dissapointing hearing his live rendition of "Funky Cold Medina" I remembered it being much better, much more dynamic. and the fact that Tone can turn the deep gravely "Tone Loc" voice on and off at will, and that actually 75% of the time he sounded just like every other rapper, kind of dispelled some of the old magic.

the worst blow to the evening came after Tone's little teaser, after he urged the crowd to chant– " I say wild, you say Thing!", then decided not to do Wild Thing, but instead to freestyle some more. not only did he decide to freestyle rather than going on and performing one of his greatest hits, but he invited (or maybe was forced to invite) the guy from C&C onstage to join in the rhymes. a collective groan was heard from the three individuals around me, and we swayed on our feet as we tried to decide whether or not to leave. Tone rapped for a while, then passed the mike to C&C guy (brian just pointed out that his name is Freedom Williams–we can only hope for eventual freedom from mr williams) who immediately started pretending he hadn't stolen all his rhymes from his much more competent predecessors. even with his third grade rhymes, he had absolutely no flow whatsoever. he made it about three, sometimes four phrases, before having to pause for several seconds to rack his tiny brain for more rhyming words.

within 10 seconds of "freedom" taking the stage, we had firmly decided to immediately leave. we had almost forgotten how to walk, and swore we'd just lost over 100 IQ points. the discussion centered firmly around the horror we had just witnessed, and we decided that if we were Tone Loc, on tour with these "performers" we'd probably blow our brains out after the first show.

Tone's journal would probably read something like this…

Comeback Tour 2000

day one:

    I can't take it anymore, I tried to hold out, but it's not worth it. Tell my mother I love her, and please forgive me.

tone

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well, I've finished one whole week at my new job, and I've gotta say, I'm loving it. It's amazing how quickly the day passes sitting in front of a computer doing something you enjoy. the most difficult thing has been trying to join a project in progress while figuring out how they do things. the biggest plus has been that I've already gotten a paycheck, after only having worked there one week (lucked out on the pay cycle), and that I got my first paycheck from my new job the same day I got my last paycheck from my old one, oh, and that my paycheck for one week at the new job was almost as much as my paycheck for two weeks at the old job. 'course, rent is due, and the landlords are charging us an extra hundred dollars since brian moved in, so rent alone almost took the sum total of both paychecks. once again, I'll be struggling the next two weeks to buy food, gas, and cigarettes.

so, my life looks to be shaping up somewhat, finally getting to the point I've wanted to reach for a long time now. but things are never perfect are they?

now that I've got a great job, that it looks like I'll actually enjoy, and that pays well–now that I don't have to worry about what I'm "doing with my life," and seem to actually be in a position to achieve happiness, at least on a professional level, I can now devote myself to other unsatisfactory aspects of my life. only once in my life have I glimpsed perfection, there was a time, over a year ago, when I had a great job, was making decent money, had a wonderful live-in girlfriend, and was very very happy. things obviously didn't work out, through a combination of internal and external influences, I pretty much lost it all. with this new job I'm starting to build that back. now I can get depressed over the failure of past relationships again. 'bout time.

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