i'm convinced that man only started making plans out of some inherent need for self-destruction. we all know that even the best laid plans go awry. maybe we should just start planning for the exact opposite of what we want to happen…

someone at home is probably snickering at my misfortune, right this minute.

i went to atlanta this weekend. a return trip to see the most beautiful girl i've ever seen. i rolled into the city with big expectations of a grand weekend of relaxation and fun. i arrived to a warm reception. life, as i knew it, couldn't have been more perfect. i could have been struck dead at any given point of my first few hours in the city and i would have died a happy guy. plans are plans, but seeing someone after a semi-lengthy absence is always great.

then, in the middle of the night, it comes up that she's moving. farther away. to the "big city." it came out at a quiet time. right after tender words about life and happiness. it came out like it had been wanting to come out all night, but had been looking for the right opening. i guess she realized that there wasn't going to be a "right time" to bring it up. when dealing with me, there never is a "right time" to say a bad thing.

bad for me. great for her. beautiful that the only fucking thing i can think of is myself, huh?

and just like that, i drove seven hours to sleep alone.

the next day was tension on a slowburn. there were moments of happiness, of seeming understanding between the two of us. every time one of those moments showed it's beautiful face, i did or said something that sent it scurrying back into the underbrush. how's that song go? "i can't stop my own disaster."

she handed down the edict that things between us, the way they have been, are over. she can't move that far with this kind of monkey on her back. just for the record: i'm the one labelling it a monkey.

what do you do when, all of a sudden, you can no longer look into the most beautiful eyes you've ever seen? it hurts. it's something i never wanted to go through with her. i was always of the mind that this would have it's way of working out, however it needed to. i knew the possibility of her moving was there. i didn't think of it much. i just thought that things would be able to continue, things could go on unchanged. i was wrong. and now i get to reflect on how wrong i was.

she says to me, "don't beat yourself up over this."

i can't help it. i see all of my missteps over the course of this whole thing and see that i just took every chance i had to blow it.

at some point, this hopeless romantic will have to yank his heart out of his chest and drop kick that fucker out into the street.

and maybe he'll decide to stop talking about himself in third person.

i have to make sure that, for once, the "we can only be friends now" thing actually works out, this time.