last night was a fun evening of sampling the new sushi place around the corner from my house. i didn't really have sushi (i don't "do" sushi), but i did have some pretty kickass chicken fried rice. i'd chance to say that sapporo is the first place that can hold a flame to the kim's chicken fried rice. totally. i rolled up there to meet the girlfriend (that's a bizarre concept) and a friend of her's, then we went back to my place to wait on another friend. so we chilled, clyde (my cat) impressed everyone with her ability to be the cutest, most affectionate (not to mention most annoying) little creature that has ever walked the earth.

after the other friend finally arrived, we headed out to the back door (after we finished watching the first episode of twenty four, of course). a few beers were consumed, free cigarettes were scammed for one of the friends (i think she scored 8 packs between us all), and then the girl and i headed back to my place so i could drive her home. it ended up being an early night (despite the appearance at the bar), so i crawled into bed and read until i fell asleep.

i tell you what…if the fucked up dreams i had last night were any indication of what it's like to get a normal amount of sleep, the standard 8 hours, count me the fuck out. dreams of possessed houses lived in by demonic little milk cartons (the little cardboard quart things like they gave you in grade school), people named dgdg (pronounced dog-dog) that were total homicidal maniacs, cornfields in the wilds of kentucky, dirt roads, an suv and a handgun, body thieves (think possession, pod people shit), and loads of other shit. at least one of the last things i remember is kicking the car door into dgdg's crazy face as he tried to drag me out of the vehicle. that's when i discovered the handgun and put most of the clip into his crazy grille, as well. hard earned dream victory for me, huh? at that point i woke up, headed to the bathroom, and decided that sleep is for kids.

and yeah…i went back to sleep and dreamt of driving off cliffs and living. great. i can't win.

today they're having a bake sale here at work. some joker brought in krispy kreme doughnuts. that's almost as entertaining as the idiot that brought in fat free twinkies. way to go, champs.

man or astroman? is playing tonight. i don't know if i'm heading to that, or not. i'm currently weighing that against "quiet evening at home." should be a fun contest. tomorrow night may end up being euchre night. damn straight. that i can't wait for…

brax & i finally went to see mulholland drive last night. it's pretty much what you'd expect from david lynch, and then some. amazingly enough the movie flowed pretty damned well up until the last 15 – 20 minutes. after that, it was mind-fuck time.

i think for pretty much the next hour after we got out of the movie, about all i could say was "dude…."

needless to say, if you like lynch, go see it. now. leave work. tell your boss you left your child in the stove at home. anything. go see this movie.

if, on the other hand, you don't like lynch or don't think you like lynch, please go find the nearest electric utility company work crew with a tree branch shredder, walk calmly up to it, and stick your hand in as far as you can. if you arrive at the location in the proper mindset (namely, wondering what the fuck i'm talking about) and subject yourself to this carnage, you'll be a step closer to understanding and appreciating the truly unbalanced mind of david lynch.

what's up with that funny name of yours?
You know, I wrote a faq about all of this shit. my name is what it is, and as weird as it is, i'm a weirder person, probably. we all know how it goes. my dad was just too much of a pimp, and mom didn't feel like arguing for a simpler name.

do you know the difference between a donkey and a mule? if so…what is it?
i don't really know. but i like to hear the sound of my own voice, and the click of my own keys, so i'm gonna ramble incoherently to try to get to the bottom of it. they're both asses, first. secondly, neither one of them is as cool as a burro, and furthermore, one of them (the mule) is the symbol of one of our nation's political parties (the downtrodden worker's party), whereas the other (the donkey) is not.
besides, we all know a mule could kick a donkey's ass at tony hawk's pro skater.

which one of us is a jackass, then?
flip a coin. most of the time, it's you, simply because i don't hit on your girlfriend. then again, if i had some way to chat with her, i definitely would. so we'll call it even. variable. random. i'm the only jackash, though.

if you could talk george lucas into writing a character into the new star wars trilogy bearing your name, what kind of character would he be?
i want to be a red-shirt! oh, wait…wrong series. but if you think about it, ash aiwase sounds like the name of a jedi knight. i'd probably be an unemployed jedi knight that just hangs out with mace windu all day. i mean, life would be more interesting as a smuggler, or a crimelord, or a bounty hunter, but i'm a laid-back guy. i'd be content to wield the lightsaber around and teach young padawans how to use the force to get free meals, places of residence, and lots of alien sex.

what's the worst name someone ever called you and why?
marce, one of my friends, called me "homeslice." usage: "what up, homeslice?" this is probably one of the most hideous sounding phrases in the english language, which makes sense, because marce speaks some of the most hideous sounding english I've ever heard, and it's his native language. just say it outloud to yourself and think about how completely re-fucking-tarded it sounds. "homeslice." "homeslice."
and the sad thing is, marce just spends hours doing engineering homework and thinking of equally retarded things to call his friends. it's not quite ghetto-speak, and it's worse than pigeon english.

would you say your girlfriend was stupid for dating you? or smart? why?
hm. she's definitely smart for having sex with me. i can't imagine better choice for a young hot lady than me. those periods of time between sex, however, i'm quite unbearable, in my opinion. she's either stupid or patient, but i'm gonna go with the latter on that. overall smart. quite frankly, the great sex i can provide should easily outshine my shortcomings.

are you a public nosepicker or a private one?
hm. erin wasn't too far off the mark when she was answering this yesterday. i'm not really a public nosepicker, but i do consider the car semi-private, so in dire circumstances, you can see me digging behind the wheel of my integra. now if i'm in a place where i really need to impress people, even if it's a comfortable setting, it's a big nono on the nose.

[ash posts semi-regularly (as i may have mentioned) at the toast and tea blog. he has somehow finagled his way into getting interviewed twice and featured on bipolar two days in a row. ash is nothing, if not resourceful. his girlfriend also interviewed me for the previously mentioned blog. head over there. it's a hoot.]

from ben: a video for the dead milkmen song "the thing that only eats hippies." undisputable proof that they were one of the best bands ever. viva la milkmen! oh yeah…check out that run tdm part…classic.

as brian promised last night, here are my semi-official seven questions with the seven-questions master himself…

for a while there, it seemed that you were going through a phase where you couldn't date a girl that lived less than 300+ miles away… was this in any way related to your recurring alien abductions?

i did have a problem where i'd start whacking it and then i'd wake up in the bed of some 17 year-old girl, somewhere in new hampshire or some other similarly ludicrous place. whether this has to do with alien abductions, secret government experiments in sexuality and space/time travel, or my own uncontrollable libido, i can't tell you.

speaking of aliens, if H.R. Giger were to feature your penis in a painting, in what situation would you like your penis to be placed?

remember those paintings he did of deborah harry? well…my penis should be involved in just about any deborah harry painting.

or involved with deborah harry, period.

assume you are a powerful telepath like Professor X, what would be your first action upon realizing your powers?

realizing? like what would probably happen that would cause me to realize i have these amazing powers? or i already know?
and what is the first act i perpetrate upon another living mind after discovering that i'm a super mack daddy telepath?

you become aware of your powers, what is your first action upon another human mind?

i would instantly transmit thoughts to all the beautiful women on earth, making them forget to wear clothes. then i would mess with the minds of authority and make them believe that this is perfectly okay.

either that or i would convince rachael leigh cook to have sex with me.

all the time.

and, speaking of rachael leigh cook…
If you were a zit somewhere on Rachael Leigh Cook's body, where would you be, and what would you want her to do about you?

i would like to be a nice sized zit on one of miss cook's breasts. i would like her to show her zit off to various people, trying to convince them that she has, in fact, grown a third nipple.

if you were sent to prison and made someone's bitch, what would you want your name to be?

definitely "crotchrot" or "crotch killa." this would, hopefully, head off any future "bitchmakings." i would also spread word around that i bite and that i keep razor blades stuffed up my ass.

ok. it's bottom of the ninth, two runners on, your team is down by two runs, the batter's at 3 & 1, you're the pitcher. as you check the runners you happen to glance into your team's dugout, where you see the aformentioned miss cook and lucy liu naked and beckoning you to forfeit the game and take them right there on the benches… exactly how long does it take you to drop the ball?

to be honest, my balls would be doing the opposite of dropping, if you catch my meaning. it really wouldn't be a matter of measurable time. i would toss the ball into the stands to my number one fan, wave to the crowd and stalk into the dugout to get my rock on.

if you could give one piece of advice based on your life experiences to children living in a post-apocalyptic world, what would it be?

hmmm…

how about…

don't believe all that shit your friends say. they haven't proved the exact content of soylent green yet. so eat up before i sell your little mutant asses.

[j. brian "the brain" hall posts like a fiend over there on the left side of bipolar and is a constant thorn in my side–always saying things to me like "post, damn you!", or "when are you going to fucking post!?" oh, and then there's that whole transmission3000.com thing that he kind of does on the side…]

i skipped the coffee and went with tea, this morning. i have now discovered that iced tea is one of the worst things you could possibly drink directly after brushing your teeth. it was (how you say?) not a good thing.

note to self: stick with the coffee in the mornings. decaffeinated tea does nothing for you, anyway.

i swear i was going to listen to some black sabbath on the way into work, this morning. i swear. it's just that, well…that promise ring cd rolled right over to the beginning as soon as i turned the car on. you know…those first couple of tracks on very emergency are catchy as all hell. i think that my leaving the cd in the player was a forgivable morning action. back the fuck off me, junior!

"through life experience, i've determined that charlton heston will be the last human left on earth. that is why, children, i have named you all charlton heston. let's face facts…it improves your chances of survival."

matt still hasn't posted his seven questions with me. i have it on good authority that he'll be doing so later today. on the "definitely soon" tip.

what the hell did i do last night? shit…nothing, i don't think. sat at work, sat at home and played guitar. scott came over and we sat on the couch and played video games. talk about an exciting fucking life. oh well…ash will be getting his chance to answer the same seven questions asked of him (but answered by his girlfriend, erin) later today.

i am as of now canceling my plans to go to the open casting call to be on the real world. it happens to fall on this coming weekend and, honestly, i'm kinda broke. it's also the weekend we need to start moving jess out and scott in to the bipolar "crib." yeah…mtv will be over in no time, i tell ya… regardless, there will be other open calls. especially ones i have more time to prepare for.

as a side note, jess made the comment that i could "totally" be on the real world. she said i'd be the reason everyone watched, just to see who i'd piss off on a week-to-week basis. curses! she has discovered the master plan!

looks like ash's girlfriend really got into the spirit of seven questions and fired seven of 'em right back at me. she was thinking on her feet, if anything. you can check the results over at toast and tea.

matt (the other side of bipolar, fools) has also finished his (official and eagerly anticipated) seven questions with me and will posting them real soon-like.

why people care to know these various things about me, i'll never know.

what's up with that funny name of yours?
well, as a child, i was constantly picked on. mercilessly. i was such a loser. i had no friends. so nobody really knew my name and everyone just called me asshole. one day in the seventh grade, these big meanies threw a spitball at me. i opened it and it said asshole. well, my reading skills weren't so good, so when i read it out loud, i said "ash hole". the whole class laughed, including the teacher, and the nickname ash just stuck. i really don't like to relive that whole incident though, so let's move on.

do you know the difference between a donkey and a mule? if so…what is it?
yes. i, ash, am a donkey. you, brian, are a mule.

which one of us is a jackass, then?
it is definitely me, ash. but you're getting there. by the way, my alter ego, the real ash is jealous. he wants to play seven questions. too bad, huh?

if you could talk george lucas into writing a character into the new star wars trilogy bearing your name, what kind of character would he be?
well, i'd want my namesake to be a little different than me. so, let's say i'd want him to be a sexy guy that gets all the ladies. okay, maybe just a lady. oh, and i'd like him to be a man. you know, so people don't get us confused.

what's the worst name someone ever called you and why?
dave. because i was in bed with my lover, enrico. he thought, in a drunken stupor, that i was my brother. that was a harsh period of time, after they went public with their relationship and made a cuckold of me.

would you say your girlfriend was stupid for dating you? or smart? why?
let's just say that my girlfriend is the most gorgeous woman alive with the most amazing breasts imaginable. we won't focus on her shortcomings, like her poor taste in men.

are you a public nosepicker or a private one?
i pick anywhere, everywhere. it's a natural biological function. i don't understand the social hang up about it myself.

[ash aiwase posts semi-regularly at the toast and tea blog. his girlfriend, however, likes to impersonate him and write papers on drug policy perform. they both make me laugh on a regular basis.]

when i was sitting down to eat lunch, i realized i hadn't eaten anything in 24 hours. oops. i need to make a note to eat next time, i guess. i never really got hungry last night, and i have a nasty habit of skipping breakfast. maybe i need to work on that.

regardless, lunch was delicious. i rolled up into the mall to eat my favorite greasy chicken sandwich from the steak escape (grilled chicken, swiss, provolone, and sauteed mushrooms). i rolled around the mall, checking out some release dates on some games i've been waiting on (exciting, huh?). all in all, a relaxing, rather uneventful lunch. i guess you can't ask for much more than that, huh?

working on a new seven questions…

last night i forgot that i made plans to go play euchre with some friends and went ahead and made plans for a movie night at home with the girl. i was feeling like a flake until i called the friends and no one was home, anyway. they never called back, so i was off on a technicality.

"ladies and gentlemen of the jury…this man has committed no crime! set him free!"

so it goes without saying that i've been listening to a lot of pink floyd, lately (and no i'm not smoking a lot of pot, smartasses). it's fall, and the music just seems to really fit that morning drive into work. a total feeling of disconnection. waking up on the road. it seems like that's how i spent the majority of my summer, actually. not that i'm really complaining. i did a lot more travelling over the last year than i ever really have, i'd say. it was a nice change of pace. there's a certain freedom in driving down a strip of highway to whatever destination you have picked out on a whim. i highly recommend it to everyone.

i reviewed two more records for 75 or less: of asaph – "…what a wonderful day it was" and rmsn – "carrier." enjoy.

i'm kinda disappointed that i missed euchre night. maybe we can reschedule or something. that would be swell.

i feel really uninteresting today. maybe more later.