i was talking to an aquaintence yesterday. i approached the conversation as i would most others, give a friendly greeting, etc. well after my greeting i got a response that's never expected: "my brother died this morning." this kinda put me on my heels. what do you say to that? but as i expressed my feelings of sympathy for his situation, i realized how much the people that i have around mean to me. i've lost a lot of people over my 24 years. two big ones stand out: my father when i was 5 years old, and a really close friend almost exactly five years ago. these were big life defining events.

my father was a person that i never got to know as well as i wish i had. i'd give anything to be 4 again, going out with my dad to pizza hut for my birthday, just me and him. playing with my spider-man toys together. him taking me for rides on his motorcycle. these are memories that still stand out in my head brighter than ones from yesterday. he died on a warm evening in 1981 on his motorcycle. he had had a few beers and wanted to ride home from a friend's house to get some tools. it was just starting to get dark and he was probably going faster than he should have. he hit a dog that happened to stray out into the road. this is not what you'd call a "good thing" when you're on a motorcycle. the day after all of this happened is probably the last time i ever prayed to god. i know that i looked at my ceiling, and i assured "god" that he was a bad, bad person, and that you should never take a boy's daddy away. maybe that's where my insurmountable slide into bad luck began…

my most recent brush with death occured almost five years ago, exactly. my friend richard was straight-edge and vegan. he was a noble motherfucker. he had more values and integrity in his thumb than most people encounter in their whole life. and one late winter night, he was killed by a drunk driver that thought it would be a great idea to run a red light. at 70 miles an hour. the muddle of feelings i still have regarding this whole event is quite a tangle, and i don't know if i'll ever straighten them out.

these aren't the only people i've lost over the years, but they meant the most to me. if there's one thing i could say to them, it'd be that i love them both, and i miss them dearly.

and in the spirit of the holiday, i give thanks for the people i have in my life. they are my world, and i would be lost without them. guy, scott, matt, and paul are the most amazing guys on the planet. friends like them you could never dream of.

and there's some sort of small animal either living on my roof or in the ceiling. it's starting to drive me nuts…