i used to date this girl. she was the love of my life. for two years, through all the arguments and full-blown fights, i wanted nothing but to spend my life with her. maybe i didn't show it at all times, and i ended up paying for that in the end, but the feelings i had for this girl ran so deep it was scary. our relationship ended up imploding somewhere around the summer of 1999. we had just gotten back from a roadtrip to chicago (funny how that city plays such a factor in my life, huh?) to see the make-up. we hadn't talked for a couple of days, and i was feeling shitty about it. i woke up "that day" intending on taking her some flowers to patch up our latest argument. an argument that was pretty mild, compared to some of our throw-downs of the past couple of years. when i called her house to verify she was home, we talked for a while, and she ended up dumping me. before i had even gotten out of bed. before i had even taken my morning piss. i was devastated. i didn't know what to do with myself. i was completely lost and i didn't care. i shut the world out and let everything fall apart.

it's still hard to think about, even this far removed from the situation. it took me six long months to put it as far behind me as i could. i spent the first three of those drinking myself stupid, all alone, and sending my attendance record at work spiraling down into nothing. i let her manipulate me that whole time. my heart and mind were constantly being punished for caring too much.

but eventually i was able to move on, as she was too. i've interacted with her very little since then. i've remained pleasant towards her, trying to be the big guy. trying to keep things friendly. she, on the other hand, has been nothing but an ass.

what brings all of this on…i've heard some rather disturbing stories about her over the past year or so. for someone i cared so much about at one point, this really hurt. i felt bad for her. but she brings it all upon herself. she has some new beau who makes it apparent to everyone in earshot that's he's going to kick my ass. i still haven't heard any viable reason for his violent attitude towards me, and it puzzles the hell out of me. and to know that she puts up with this kind of shit, and if only half the stories i've heard are true…fuck it. my heart can't be wasted on someone that doesn't care enough about themselves to grow up. she's trying to remain an eternal 16 year-old, and someday that will all come crashing down.

i'm sure no one out there gives a fat rat's ass about any of this, and i'm not sure if it makes any sense. i guess i just needed to get it off of my chest.

this post is for you, girl. i wish you had some fucking sense.