i'm getting incresingly lazy about posting to bipolar. i guess it's mainly because i feel like i can't really talk about what's on my mind. why? censorship? nope.

the person that is on my mind reads this. i do it mainly out of respect for her. i mean (a) i'm sure she doesn't want to put up with my shit when i'm not throwing it at her directly and (b) i guess it's a privacy issue. i don't think she really wants to be mentioned here.

and there she goes getting mentioned whie i talk about not mentioning her. chalk another one up to brian's ability to do shit the wrong way.

i went out to catch a sneak of jay and silent bob strike back last night. i was supposed to go with scott, but he ended up getting stuck at work. i went alone and ended up running into some friends from way back. it's odd to see people you've barely talked to in years. we hung out, watched the movie (i sat by myself), and then grabbed some dinner at the mexican place across the street. it was a nice time out, and i may end up catching up with them again saturday night.

one of my friends asked me about a girl i dated for a while, seeing as he met her once. i told him we weren't together anymore. he looked at me and said "still fucking everything up, huh?"

yes. yes i am.

so i'm absolutely broke. not a dime to my name until thursday. i'm actually overdrawn from my bank account. i'm eating cake as a meal, at this point. sounds great, huh?

what is bipolar to me? a series of anecdotes? a place where i post about my (uninteresting) day? hell if i know. no focus around here, i tell ya.

i fuck a lot of things up because i base certain reactions upon unattainable romantic notions. changing that fact would certainly make my life a lot easier, but it also seems like giving up.

case in point: this girl that i'm currently pissing and moaning over is everything i could ever want in a girl. she the most amazingly beautiful, sharply intelligent, witty female ever put on the earth. she's also this sweet girl who seems to appreciate me more than i think i've ever been appreciated before. some might say "it doesn't look like she appreciates you at all, moron!" but to tell the truth, that just shows how badly i've ended up faring previously. i'm sure she appreciates me a lot more when i'm not being a total dumbass, throwing myself at her like a man possessed. but hell, she laughs at my jokes. what more do i need?

what i need is to stop clogging her up, i guess. i need to stop bashing my retarded shit over her head. i think i walked back into a much better situation, once i got home, but i've brought it back down to shitty levels in record time. less than two whole days, people!

so…yeah. i probably wasn't supposed to bring any of that up, i guess.

fucking up, indeed.