i was right. finally getting the computers set back up again didn't affect my (unfortunate) posting schedule at all, it's pretty typical for me to skip, oh… 7 days. anyway, as i mentioned, i've got both machines up and they've been puttering along quite happily. i've finally gotten some real applications installed on a machine again. after all those crashes and reinstallations i'd left my old machine pretty bare in the software department for a while. well, no longer. i've got the itch to attempt a redesign of coffeemonk.com again, and who knows, i might try to come up with another theme for ye olde bipolar.

played music with the boys on Sunday, the boys having acquired some new strings for my guitar. amazingly enough, the new strings did the trick and i was actually able to play (mostly) in tune. then, amazingly enough, we actually successfully had a second practice again on Tuesday night. both seemed to go pretty well, we're trying not to pressure ourselves too much about writing new material. we've really gotta finish up the few songs we have before we start warping our brains with the creative process again. fun side note, i borrowed jim's 4-track and all the practice tapes that we could find, and i'm hoping to be able to go through them here soon and see if there's anything worth transmuting into the digital realm. if i come up with something, perhaps i'll put 'em up and link to 'em. y'know, get some feedback.

erg. it's way too late for me to be doing this. i'll try to take a few moments to write more tomorrow. i need all you joseph's out there to interpret some dream imagery for me. and well, yeah, i guess that's the bulk of the rest of what i've got to say. unless i come up with more tomorrow (don't hold your breath).

well, so much for that three-day streak, huh? bah.

it seems like a lot has happened since the last post, but i think i mainly didn't post because i was so involved in trying to get my new computer set up properly. when i get involved in a project i tend to get a little too focused. anyway, so nathan (who i mentioned in the last post) came down for a visit with the crew this past weekend and a good time was had by all. i survived another swing of the hatchet at my place of work, and have another new supervisor and a different "team." i'm still doing the same job, it's just names and group affiliations that have changed. as i mentioned, i got that new computer set up, but wednesday night i got really stupid and decided to try to upgrade the motherboard BIOS… this had exactly the opposite effect from what i'd hoped it would have. rather than making my system magically faster and better, it actually made it not work at all. funny, that. anyway, a quick email to the motherboard manufacturer, and i've been assured a new BIOS chip is on the way.

another thing i found out today, from my former supervisor and smoking buddy at work, is that my crush thinks i'm cute! apparently, my supervisor talked to one of her (my crush's) friends about my interest in her (my crush) and that person then told her. apparently, she said something along the lines of "oh, don't you remember, he's the one i told you i thought was cute." and also, apparently, her friend told her that she "needed to do something about" the whole boyfriend thing. who knows, something might come of this after all. i guess this means i'll have to start taking more showers and dressing a little better again. oh, and as i told paul, i'll have to start running again.

here's a list of things i told paul that i needed to either start doing, or stop doing:

1. quit smoking — it really sucks and makes me feel like crap about 85% of the time.
2. quit eating such big meals. — even when i don't intend to, i usually end up getting more food than i technically need, then, because i paid for it, i feel like i have to eat it.
3. start running — self explanatory, considering the above two items.
4. stop waking up — really, if you think about it, waking up is the primary reason that we have bad days. if we didn't wake up, we wouldn't really have a bad day now, would we? that waking up shit is for the birds.

i think that was about it. but now that i'm sitting here, writing this, and my eyes feel like they're burning because i'm tired and they've been open too long, i realize that i need to add one more thing to that list.

5. start getting to bed on time — this might help with the whole waking up thing… perhaps my days would go better if i were more lucid throughout them.

anyway, it's beddybye time. 'night folks.

how depressing is it to be sitting at work for 8 hours with absolutely nothing to do? let me tell ya, it's pretty damned depressing. the only positive side of it is that i've been able to finally chat with nathan since his girlfriend convinced him to get on ICQ long enough for me to convince him to download a jabber client. now that Nathan's on jabber, we've also convinced paul to try it out so we can all do a group chat thing and seriously defeat any productive potential we have while at work.

not to mention the fact that, in the process of having an absolutely great time last night, i stayed up way too late, got a little tipsy, and today am just completely bushed. apparently, we're about to get our first home-cooked family meal in the new place, as paul's just informed me that brax will be fixing up some spaghetti. and damn, it's comics day! i've been frickin craving my traditional wednesday Denny's Big Texas BBQ burger all damn day.

anyway, went to see the Reverend for the sixth time last night, and as usual, they were awesome. i'd have to say it wasn't their best show, but since their shows have progressively gotten better and better each time, i'd have to put it just below the last time i saw them. which is probably considerably better than most of the bands out there. another positive thing was the opening bands, who pretty much rocked the house. Death on Wednesday opened, followed by the Gotohells. It was pretty funny, just before the Gotohells came out and started playing, we were standing around talking about old Van Halen and other "hard rock" that we grew up with and really like (in retrospect, at least for me). Three chords into the Gotohells' set, i was surprised by how "classic rock" they sounded. I was thinking, listening to their set, that they sounded a bit like a good sized helping of Van Halen and other classic rock, mixed in with a little pinch of Mudhoney and grunge sound thrown in. We were all pretty impressed with the opening acts, which is very rare for us. In fact, let me see if i can remember opening acts i've actually liked out of all the concerts i've been to… the Cows, Engine, Deke Dikerson (much better live than the album that i was able to find)… and… uh… that's about it. I'm sure brax and paul could remind me of some other openers that i liked, but hey, if i can't remember them, they weren't that impressive were they?

then the Reverend came on stage and just rocked straight outta the box from beginning to end. they played quite a few songs off the first two albums, some stuff off the middle few and last albums, and some new (unrecorded) stuff as well. i think the highlight of the evening for me was when they played "eat steak" which is one of my all time favorite songs. after the Reverend made a comment to some person in the pit complaining they couldn't hear the lyrics, saying "next time, maybe i'll be more willing to work with you if you bring up a shot of jagermeister." brax then got the idea that we should take him a shot right then & there (this is a normal RHH show occurrence) and he dragged paul along to take it up to the stage. i hung in the back and just enjoyed the show. a few songs before their first break, paul came back and grabbed me and dragged me up into the pit with them. (thus setting up the next highlight of the night) at the end of the encore the Reverend came out to the edge of the stage and shook hands with people, me include. so, i got to shake hands with one of my idols.

i finally bought a new t-shirt, and met up with brax and paul who were hanging out and talking with Jimbo (the stand-up bass player). so i actually got to meet Jimbo as well, exchanged a few words with him, bordering on a conversation. Finally, as we were still waiting for the Reverend to come back out to mingle, i got to meet Scott as well. We had a great conversation about Louisville, Lexington, girls, the karaoke bar he'd gotten kicked out of the night before. and in the end, he offered to put us on the guest list for the Lexington show. damn. it's so tempting to go, but as tired as i am right now, i'd never make it staying up until three again and facing an hour plus drive home.

so, aside from Brax nearly getting in a fight with some chick because he was drunkenly dancing to the music, and aside from the fact that idiot-jerk (yes, the same idiot-jerk from previously told stories relating to an ex-girlfriend) was standing in front of me through almost the entire Horton Heat set, i had a wonderful time last night. i did spend considerable time trying to figure out if it really was idiot-jerk standing in front of me, and then, once i had figured it out, i spent considerably more time debating the value of jumping over the rail that was in front of me and pounding his face into the floor. thankfully, propriety and the desire for personal safety (who knows how many of his friends were there) won out and i left him alone. this was also part of the reason i hung back when paul and brax moved up to the pit. i wanted idiot-jerk where i could see him… just in case. but, once paul came back to drag me up there, i enjoyed the act of walking directly in front of idiot-jerk (even saying "excuse me.") on my way down to the pit. overall, i'd say the move to the pit was worth it.

i had a great night last night, and again, if you ever have the opportunity to see the Reverend Horton Heat, don't miss out. if i hear of any of you knowingly skipping out on a Horton Heat show without a very good reason, i'll personally find you and kick your ass… or at least give you a stern talking to.

3 for 3 baby, yeah.

yesterday was the first day i actually drove straight to my new home after work. i've been living in the new place since Thursday, and there really hadn't been any adjustment difficulties at all. it didn't seem strange to be waking up in a new place, or altering established routines to fit the layout of the new apartment. but yesterday, when i didn't take the normal I-64 to Watterson expressway exit (the one i've been taking for over two years now, on an almost daily basis), that weird feeling hit me that i was living in a new place. it didn't last too long, but it was enough to color the rest of the evening. of course, then once i got home, i fixed myself a sandwich and trudged up the steps to the living room to sit and watch some TV with paul, and these actions again just added to the weird feeling i already had.

we're getting settled in. i got several boxes of books unpacked and shelved in the upstairs "library." i held back my extensive collection of star trek novels to put in my room so that (as i explained to paul) it doesn't "negatively reflect on you and brax." i figured i'd just keep my intellectual literature up there, and keep the trek stuff safely hidden away. i still have a few things to pick up from the old place, but since brian has his visitor here and i don't want to intrude, i'll just get them in a few days.

tonight at least brax and i will be heading to phoenix hill (a place i generally try to avoid) in order to catch the reverend horton heat show. if you're in the louisville area, you should definitely go check it out. i think it's a 21 & over show, so if you can get in, do.

i've been to hell and back. i was overly optimistic about my moving experience. thursday we got the u-haul with no problems–if you don't count the customer in front of us in line who was cursing and yelling up a storm and in turn getting cursed and yelled at by the guy behind the counter…
it was quite an experience. and made it all the more fun to walk up to the counter and respond to the question "may i help you?" with a big smile and "i'd like to rent a truck!" while barely containing my laughter. really, i think a normal person (read: normal being the average joe human with force-fed christian morality) would have probably walked out and made a big scene; i just thought it was funny.

so, we get back to the old place and, according to plan, start trying to get the couch downstairs. brax and i fought with it for almost an hour, trying every different angle we could think of, but for some reason, despite the fact that it fit through the door to go UPstairs, it just wouldn't go out the door trying to get it DOWNstairs. we decided to postpone the couch until we could get paul over there to help us with his superior spatial reasoning skills. of course, at this point, we were completely bushed having basically held up a 300+ pound couch for almost an hour. we got a few of the smaller things moved… some bookshelves, the chair, my filing cabinets, the mattresses. then we took a break and went for sodas. as we were hanging out on the front porch, paul drove up, and we almost immediately put him to work helping us with our 2nd attempt at the couch. after another hour of struggle in which the walls of the stairwell were even further gouged and maimed, they finally convinced me to give up. feeling frustrated and beaten by an inanimate object, they finally convinced me to just accept brian's offer to buy the couch from me. that couch has been with me for over seven years. i'll miss it, but brian's granted me visitation rights. in fact, i think i'll go visit it tonight, under the pretense of getting the last few things i inadvertently left in the house.

and, of course, thursday wasn't the only day. we also spent several hours friday, and saturday lugging things out by the carload. sunday we spent a few more hours in a last mad dash carrying out the bulk of what was left. thankfully getting done and home in time to then go for our first grocery shopping excursion and still make it home in time for Iron Chef.

we've managed to organize our living room to some extent excluding unpacking of books, videos and cds. our kitchen is on it's way to organization, again with some minor unpacking. but unfortunately, my room is still a big pile of boxes. i'm still not sure how the furniture layout will go, and i probably won't figure that out until i get those boxes out of the way. but it is very nice to have my own room. i can now walk in my room, shut the door, and prance around naked without fear of someone barging in on me. naked time to me is important time. everyone should enjoy a little naked time every day. and i don't mean just getting in and out of the shower, but lazy lounging around naked time.

of course, because of the move, i've been without DSL since Thursday. I spent the entire weekend without internet access (though i could have used paul's computer if i'd wanted) since i don't have a regular modem in my computer. it was actually kind of nice. it seems that the net has somewhat taken over my life lately. so, i didn't get a chance to check email, read any of my daily sites, or, of course, update bipolar (though i did get the itch a couple times). i'll still be without for at least a few more days, but i'll try to keep up from here at work.

brian's comments in his post from thursday were touching. over the past year, brian and i have spent quite a bit of time together and gotten to know each other quite well. i'd say i've pretty much gotten him figured out. it's probably those fundamental similarities he mentioned that have made it possible for us to not kill each other, and the fundamental differences that made it just dynamic enough for us to not die of boredom with each other.

i imagine that bipolar will probably change and grow again, with this new chapter in our lives starting. it should be interesting.

i hate moving. i'm sure i'm not alone in this, since pretty much every person with whom i've ever had even the most rudimentary conversation regarding moving has agreed with me. i've never mentioned moving to someone and had them say "oh, i love moving!" i think if i had, i would have shot them.

really though, i think when all is said and done, i'll have gotten all my personal belongings (not including furniture, of course) into a total of about 15 boxes. so far, i've gotten 8 of them packed up and moved. thursday will be the big day though. we'll be renting the u-haul and lugging all that furniture down two flights of stairs (three if you count the 10 front porch steps) then back up one or two flights of stairs. i'm really dreading it. especially the couch, which in the past has been the bane of my existence. but we've already chopped the legs off of it, so hopefully that'll make it easier this time around.

not much else to say. at this point, moving is my life.

(does the word "moving" look weird to anyone else… maybe it's my disheveled state of mind, but for some reason after i finished writing this, it just didn't look like it was spelled correctly. that is just one of the strangest feelings in the world, when a simple word that you know you're spelling correctly just doesn't feel right… bah.)

OH, and, since i didn't get to post about him "behind his back" this weekend (since our server was apparently down again…), a hearty welcome home to brian. hopefully his several days without a net connection haven't scarred him for life…

in some shady attempt to promote the illusion that i've updated twice in as many days, i'm posting the following extract from a conversation that i had on AIM with a coworker. i'd like to think that it's both an interesting and informative discussion about free software. this conversation is released under the GFDL.

BenCo**us (11:23:13 AM): Blogger is fucked up. you can't just download the source. it's strange.
BenCo**us (11:23:23 AM): i don't trust it!
MrCoffeemonk (11:23:42 AM): oh, its proprietary. it's one guy trying to make money… not open source…
BenCo**us (11:24:02 AM): well, it is "free"… free as in beer. not as in speech
MrCoffeemonk (11:24:57 AM): wow, i'm not sure exactly how to interpret that statement…
BenCo**us (11:26:00 AM): that's the quintessential "free software" statement. Software can be "Free as In Beer" meaning it doesn't cost you anything to get the software, but "Free as In Speech" means you are allowed to get the code, and use it as you wish, as long as you note who originally said it. (or wrote it)
BenCo**us (11:26:26 AM): for instance, Blogger is "Free as In Beer", but since you don't get the source, it isn't "Free as In Speech"
BenCo**us (11:26:38 AM): it's a little confusing at first. it took me a while.
MrCoffeemonk (11:27:19 AM): ah… i think i'm at least partially getting it… the only thing that's tripping me up is the "as in beer" part, seeing as most beer, unfortunately, isn't free.
BenCo**us (11:27:27 AM): yeah.
MrCoffeemonk (11:27:31 AM): oh, what a world we'd live in if beer were free.
BenCo**us (11:27:32 AM): it's strange.
BenCo**us (11:28:23 AM): http://www.gnu.org/philosophy/free-sw.html
BenCo**us (11:28:29 AM): the first line sums it up.
BenCo**us (11:28:44 AM): Free Software means liberty, not price
MrCoffeemonk (11:30:00 AM): ahha.
BenCo**us (11:30:15 AM): for instance, Microsoft gives away their source to certain vendors. It is "Free Beer", because you can't modify, redistribute, etc, etc. it. It's like "Source Under Glass"
MrCoffeemonk (11:30:44 AM): oh. yeah. now i'm getting it…
MrCoffeemonk (11:31:11 AM): that's actually a really good erm… analogy.
BenCo**us (11:32:21 AM): meanwhile, Microsoft has termed that "Shared Source". And if by "Shared" you mean "Viewable", then yes. It's almost like saying, "Oh, I'll share my pudding cup with you, friend" and then waving in front of your friend's face, so they can smell, see, pray HEAR the pudding, but they can't eat it.
MrCoffeemonk (11:34:31 AM): right. pudding withholding bastards.
BenCo**us (11:34:35 AM): hehe
MrCoffeemonk (11:34:58 AM): not that, really, i'd even WANT to have software based on Microsoft code, mind you.
BenCo**us (11:35:15 AM): well, it'd be nice to see. i guess.
MrCoffeemonk (11:35:51 AM): i would rather have the freedom to destroy all copies and traces of microsoft code in existence, since they'll only end up confusing the coders who have genuine skill and ability.
BenCo**us (11:36:19 AM): i think a big concern of theirs is security holes. Like, for instance, i'm working on a content management system called Kludge-o. I'm a little worried that when i release this thing into the wild, any old body could find a security hole. but then that fear will make me design a more secure application.
MrCoffeemonk (11:37:02 AM): it's a valid concern. there are more "hackers" out there, just looking for something to do, and some way to "prove" themselves.
MrCoffeemonk (11:37:35 AM): but yeah, the awareness of that will help you watch for potential holes.
BenCo**us (11:37:49 AM): true. i think that there were actually more security notices regarding Linux last year than NT, but that's because the Linux code is open.
BenCo**us (11:38:09 AM): and the Linux holes have been fixed. NT's unknown holes haven't
MrCoffeemonk (11:38:59 AM): i imagine it must be difficult tracking those things though. i've often wondered just how crazy it must be to have thousands of people working on the same piece of software.
BenCo**us (11:39:18 AM): well, "thousands" is a little exaggerated.
BenCo**us (11:39:48 AM): while there may be thousands of contributors, there is usually a limited number of people who determine what goes in, what stays out.
MrCoffeemonk (11:40:19 AM): did you ever, in elementary school, do the thing where the teacher gave you a photocopy of a drawing that was overlaid with a grid, and a sheet of paper, and told you to reproduce on your paper the image that was inside one square of that grid?
BenCo**us (11:40:45 AM): Linus Torvalds is the BDFL (Benevolent Dictator for Life) for the Linux kernel, and he ultimately decides.
MrCoffeemonk (11:40:46 AM): then, when all the individual pieces of paper were taped to the wall, they never quite matched up…?
BenCo**us (11:41:02 AM): uh. yeah
BenCo**us (11:41:08 AM): i think we did do that.
BenCo**us (11:41:26 AM): or a version
MrCoffeemonk (11:41:36 AM): it reminds me of the "open source" method of software development in a way… or at least my perception of it.
BenCo**us (11:41:47 AM): yeah. you could think of it that way
MrCoffeemonk (11:41:53 AM): there are going to be places where the image doesn't quite match up.
BenCo**us (11:42:05 AM): true, but the outcome of that code is what matters.
BenCo**us (11:42:26 AM): the overall effect of the picture, from a distance, is the same.
MrCoffeemonk (11:42:45 AM): true. and if you have a controlling body, then they can go over the drawing in the places where it doesn't quite match up, and make it match better.
MrCoffeemonk (11:42:59 AM): plug the holes, so to speak.
BenCo**us (11:43:46 AM): an interesting piece of reading is Eric S. Raymond's "The Cathedral and the Bazaar", it explains it nicely. in the "Bazaar" there are many contributors, and the folks in the cathedral choose what they want from the bazaar, and make product from those selections.
MrCoffeemonk (11:45:02 AM): the cathedral, therefore would be either the Linux distributors, or the individual end users… i'm assuming.
MrCoffeemonk (11:47:11 AM): admittedly i've never really attempted to install or use linux, so my view from the outside sees it as being this potentially very confusing thing. so many different versions of things that do the same thing… how do you pick the pieces you want or need, how do you pick the best apples for your apple pie?
BenCo**us (11:49:34 AM): well, that is what the distributor is for. Red Hat chooses the applications which are bundled with their distro. often, they will bundle more than one application that does the same thing
BenCo**us (11:49:59 AM): like mail transfer agents. there is Qmail, Postfix, Sendmail, etc, etc.
BenCo**us (11:50:31 AM): it can be a little confusing, but i think that it is more natural. Exchange Server shouldn't be your ONLY choice. Survival of the fittest.

themes

or something.

so, as you might have been reading, here and on the a-go-go it's been an interesting, pleasantly eventful weekend. where do i start? perhaps i should just summarize.

  friday: birthday dinner with brian and co. seeing as we were eating in an italian restaurant, i came to the realization that it would be really cool to be a mafia boss. someone pointed out that mafia boss's wives are almost always ugly, mean, and/or flamboyant nouveau riche hags. yet another point was made that mafia bosses quite often have a plethora of pretty young mistresses interested only in your money and power. and y'know, sometimes, that sounds like it would be really nice. and, in a flamboyant move of my own that played into the whole mafia boss feeling i was having, i bought dinner for everyone. yes, i am flaunting that, but keep in mind i also have only $30 left to my name until payday.
  afterwards, i worked quite a bit on some changes to bipolar. (oh, i'm not going to spoil it yet. you've gotta read on.)

  saturday: slept until 3pm. had lunch with brian. brax & i went to meet paul so they could get some dinner, then we hung out at the house for the majority of the night (later to be joined by my friend nicole), playing zombies ate my neighbors, watching saturday night live, drinking (me – beam & pepsi, brax & paul – beer), then heading to the twig later for some of the oft-mentioned "louisville paul brown" (a.k.a. ky hot brown).
  afterwards, i worked quite a bit more on some changes to bipolar. (ah… not yet.)

  sunday: as brian mentioned i was still up (working on those changes) when he went to work around 8:30am. i decided that since the sun was up, it would probably be a good idea to get some sleep. got back up at 2:00pm or so, lounged around the house in my bathrobe, sat out on the back porch and smoked, and… worked quite a bit on those changes to bipolar. indeed, with the exception of an hour and a half trying to sort my way through a convoluted thread about Amiga on slashdot, i spent almost the entire day until 3:30a.m. working on those damned changes.

and let me guess… you didn't even notice did you?

it is possible that the more observant of you will have noticed the addition of a couple links to that dropdown links box up there at the top… way down there at the bottom. see that? well, "webcam" you may already be familiar with, but that "themes" link… that's it. that's what i've spent the past unholy amount of time working on. so click it already.

or finish reading first, whatever. anyway, it's something that i mentioned a while ago–the ability to choose your favorite bipolar design, rather than having our whims and fancies foisted upon you. overall, i'm pretty pleased with the way it turned out and how it works. the only exception to this is the fact that for some reason, i can't get netscape to set the damn cookie. so those of you who are holding out, keeping the faith against the evil corporation, well, you gotta do it the hard way for now. (it's all explained somewhat on the themes page). but, if any of you are PHP gurus, please please please if you know anything about why netscape is being a bitch about setting cookies, please let me know. you have no idea how much i HATE having to say that a microsoft product actually does something better.

well, there's a bunch of other stuff i could write about, like all the great conversations i've had this past week, with co-workers and friends and what-have-you. but i've wasted enough "computrons" (as a co-worker likes to say) as it is, and you need to go have fun playing with the new themes (and breaking them and telling me about it). oh, and at the moment, it's not real obvious about how to get back to the main bipolar page, so just move that mouse up to the upper left corner of the page after you choose your swanky new bipolar theme.

peace.

gah. i am such a putz. i have no game whatsoever. none.

the girl here at work that i've got a crush on was out having a cigarette break when me and my buddies were out there, and when she left she left her lighter and smokes where she was sitting. my group manager picked 'em up and brought 'em to me. stuck 'em in my pocket and basically told me that it was up to me to return them to her. he said that she "left them on purpose."

so, what do i do when i find her, i walk up to her with the cigarettes held in front of me like a shield. her response, "oh, did i leave those? i guess i was in a hurry to get out of here." i think i paused for a half-second after she said "thank you," and i'd said "you're welcome." then i turned around and walked back up the stairs. so much for that opportunity.

guess i'll have to locate those balls i seem to have misplaced. i know they're around here somewhere.

meanwhile, thousands of miles away from the hall of justice, our hero's gentle chiding seems to have paid off. the lovely sharon has posted not once, but twice. and, she's also gotten a comments feature set up as well. s'funny cause just the other night, brian was telling me "hey, we should try to put dotcomments or blogvoices or something on our site" (which, of course, doesn't mean we at all, but me). well, it's an interesting idea, perhaps i'll get to it when i have a spare moment.

oh, and my sister has officially laid claim to all my "cool" stuff in the event of my death. hate to tell ya sis, but i don't think paul's going to be able to kill me with a little weekly run. now, if he tried to make me run for two hours straight, then yeah, we might have a problem. but i think i'm doing pretty well, considering i haven't exercised on any kind of regular basis since like '92.

well, another day goes by without revealing myself to my crush. of course, my manager also revealed some information he'd dug up unbeknownst to me, but on my behalf. she apparently "has a boyfriend," but would "be interested" to hear that i'm interested in her. what exactly the hell all this means, i don't know. the big question would be, do i have a shot, or not. why the hell would i even approach a girl who has a boyfriend? do i want another female friend? no, not necessarily. i'm quite happy with the friends i have, and they're hard enough to manage (that's in a good way, guys). i don't need another. i'm definitely looking for more than a friend.

ah well, i'll work up the courage eventually. i hope.

i think we all know the feeling, that moment that we all have experienced at least once, where you just feel like everything you do is not enough, where you feel that your life is completely worthless, and where, just for a moment, you really really wish that there was some way to just give up. well, about 4:15 this afternoon, i walked out on one of the loading docks at the back of my building, and this feeling just washed over me. i was soaked with it, drowning in it, but there was no reason for it to be there. it was the strangest thing. i sincerely felt, for that moment, that every little struggle that life throws at us is completely, utterly pointless. in fact, it was such an odd thing, there being, as i said, no real reason for it, that i pointed it out to my buddies who were out there with me. of course, by the time i was able to articulate it, the tide itself had passed, and i was only feeling the little substance that remained as it drained away from me.

don't look for me to explain it, or to launch into some great exposition about how it's not true, life's not pointless, things aren't as dismal as they seem, because though i don't really believe it, i also can't firmly deny it. if there is a point to life, it's as i explained to a friend the other day… our one and only purpose for being here, alive in this universe, is to reproduce and continue the cycle of life and death. and lest you misunderstand me, i'm not talking from a spiritual perspective at all here, i'm referring merely to our biological imperative and reason for being. the spiritual or even theological side of the argument is an entirely separate side of the coin.

anyway, the past weekend was very enjoyable. spent some time with some friends i don't get to hang out with much, and had a great time. paul's drinking buddy (and music playing buddy, and just general all-around buddy, i guess) neil showed up ,and when told that paul was with us, his (somewhat tongue in cheek) remark was "Alright! Paul's here! Now i can DRINK!" maybe that's too much of an inside joke to really be funny here, but believe me, it is funny.

that bad bad girl sharon still hasn't updated her page, since even my last update, so everyone be sure to visit and tell her to write something. i mean, really, if i've updated twice since her last update, something needs to be done.

finally, my sister finally finished her self-described NC17 story (which started here) which turned out to be as funny as the first part suggested. my poor naive little sister. of course, i'd have been had just as easily.

well, gee, i guess that'll do for today, don't wanna overwhelm anybody. i really need to post more often so i don't have to play catch up every time. oh, and speaking of updating more often, our illustrious former web-host and all-around systems brainiac just chastised me for not having updated my web-cam in almost a month. i'll see if i can't get 'er up and running tonight, and at least get a fresh picture up there.