it's amazing how similar life can be for so many different people, so many similar experiences, so many similar feelings, wants, needs, hopes, fears. i was having trouble thinking of what i was going to write about today, so i took a few moments to read the latest posts on jack's site and almost immediately knew what i had to write about today.

it's been almost a week since I talked to her, the last time being only briefly on the phone last tuesday, following that nice, grueling discussion we'd had on monday. for some reason i can't feel that it's over, that this chapter in my history is really closed yet. i suppose that's why it's been so difficult to write about it at times, there's been no real closure.

we both know each other too well to totally discount the possibilities.

one of the things she said to me, or asked me rather, when we were talking, and that added to the thought that perhaps she really has grown up somewhat, was a pointed question about me. she asked me what it was that i was afraid of. what scared me. i couldn't really answer that, but i was pretty sure i knew what she was getting at. i mean, i'm not totally fearless, but i couldn't think of anything at that moment that really scared me, or that i worried about. i'm in a pretty happy place right now, i've got a good job, making decent money, i'm actually paying utility bills on time, and may even be able to start paying off other debts shortly. anyway, she supplied my answer for me.

"i think," she said, "you're afraid of being alone."

and you know, she's probably right. at times i very much fear that i will spend the rest of my life without someone with whom to share it. i have the most wonderful friends anyone could ever ask for, but sometimes that's just not enough. and it's just made worse by the idea that i've been so close to her, and others as well, that i thought we'd be together forever. even still, i could see myself with her.

i've grown up some myself, i don't think i'm as afraid of being alone as i was when she knew me. i still am to a point, but i also know that i can make it on my own.

my soul has been sucked out by COMICS! my god, what's happening to me!? I've been endeavoring to catalog my entire comics collection (a measly two & 1/2 long boxes) and haven't done ONE OTHER THING on my computer at home. hell, I barely check e-mail anymore. one thing's for sure, I'm getting to know my collection really well, and learning a bit about comics in the process–writers, pencillers, inkers, valuations, and the fact that story titles get recycled every year or so.

if I wasn't before, I suppose I'm now officially a comics geek.

ack.

not much else has been going on, though I did see yet another totally captivating chick at Deddens last Friday. Tall, thin, really really cute, and she could play pool like crazy. she held the table through at least 6 or 7 contenders (all guys) and totally impressed me and the puffin, with more than just looks. skill, looks, personality… it was quite a package. she'll forever be known as "the pool goddess."

did we talk to her?

what do you think?

of course not.

another day in the exciting world of matt.

well, didn't do any drunken scripting last night, but did a bit of drunken ogling of beautiful women. unfortunately, brian and I were both ogling the same girl, and brian being in the mood he was in I didn't really feel like making any moves (out of respect) (that, and I probably wouldn't have made any moves anyway, 'cause I never do, and really don't think I even know how anymore).

sometimes, and more often lately, I feel like a complete social retard, unable to communicate or connect with the people around me, often, even with my closest friends. even my sister and I, though I love her to death and was really happy to get to see her again, didn't really talk that much the few hours she was here. I find myself riding in cars with my best friends, hanging out with them, and–maybe–saying 15 words between locations… I don't know if its me, or what. it's not that I don't want to talk with them, quite the contrary, it's just that for some reason most of the time I don't feel I have anything worthwhile to say. I think that's why my best days tend to be days when my friends are all happy and talky, and I can just kind of sit and listen to them and not really feel pressured to contribute.

and it's not that I'm a total mute either, I can and do talk to them, but there're just those times, and to me, it just seems like they happen too often.

i've also come to the conclusion that if I don't have it already, i'm probably developing some mild form of seasonal affective disorder. too many things have happened to me during the winter months of my life that haven't been good, or that have started out good and ended up with me mentally and emotionally beaten again. too many memories.

well, today's x-men day. I must say, though I myself never read any of the x-men books, I'm pretty excited about the new movie. perhaps it's an illness I've caught from brian (jerk boy, over there yesterday with Paul who'd weaseled his way into a preview pass somehow, and invited brian rather than me because he actually reads x-men or something. man, the nerve of some people).

anyway, it's gotten some decent reviews, and it'll hopefully bring comic movies back up to the level of the first Keaton Batman movie. also, there's hope that if this movie is a success, someone will actually get around to finishing that damned Spider-Man movie they've been promising for almost more than 5 years now.

oh yeah, and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos is… pretty much… naked. why the hell would I not watch this movie?

just a quick update concerning my recent happy news.

Jim from Corvus Digital called me yesterday, finally, and at a time when I was awake and home to receive his call. after brief chit-chat, he informed me that he was calling to "offer me a job." glory be and hallelujiah, after weeks of nailbiting and despair at my inability to succeed in the world, I have been redeemed! I am finally a "professional" web developer (well, will be in two weeks anyway), I have landed my first salaried position, and my first official position making more than $9.00/hr. maybe now I'll be able to start paying my bills on time.

in other news, i've pretty much decided to go in a completely different direction with my coffeemonk.com redesign idea. the two people who've responded with useful and detailed constructive criticism don't quite agree on the things I've attempted thus far, and I've come to realize that the old adage clearly is true–"you can't please all of the people all of the time"–and really, you can't please some of the people most of the time. (–this last is not an attack on my friends, whose time, help, and honesty I truly do appreciate–)

also, I've taken some time surfing around in that randomly connected chain that is the web, and have been inspired by some of the really great graphics design people out there, whom I could never hope to equal. my jumping off point for this little sight-seeing trip was saturn.org which is a great example of the type of web design I enjoy, and wish I could create.

I'll be doing more surfing for inspiration, and perhaps will have some new inspiration in the next few weeks (I already have half an idea tickling at the back of my head, but haven't quite got the whole picture yet).

ok, after my little mental drainage the other day, I'm feeling at least a tiny bit better. perhaps it has something to do with the fact that brian and paul have threatened to beat me until either all my depression is swallowed by the intense pain of breathing, or I'm simply overtaken by the euphoric feelings of near-death.

I don't enjoy my job. I perform my job, but I gain absolutely no satisfaction whatsoever from it. Is this the way life is supposed to be? my parents always told me that when I was older I'd be able to find a job that suited my interests, a job that would help me feel fulfilled. have I done something wrong? am I not trying hard enough? can I not spout enough bullshit to weasel my way into a job I'd love to do, but perhaps don't quite have the required level of experience? what is the deal with the only positions that are open are either a) total shit that no one wants or b) nice, but require exhorbitant amounts of hands-on or book knowledge. how do these hiring managers think people get experience for these jobs in the first place? someone, somewhere has to hire someone just a little less than experienced, or am I just missing out on something?

as a side note, and kind of just so I can work in an interesting/funny link I've found, let me just say this.

I like Kegels.

I really like Kegels.

The KegelMaster is possibly the greatest invention of the modern age.

as promised, today's post will concern more of my thoughts from my recent trip to St. Louis.

driving through the farmland of Missouri and Illinois, I was struck by the beauty of the land and the green fields of new corn as they passed by at 70+ mph. since I rarely get the opportunity to be a passenger, I spent the majority of the trip back to Kentucky silently watching the scenery.

damn. my words are completely failing me at this point. I wanted to write about the fields and trees, and the beauty and profundity of it all, but it wasn't coming out right. sometimes, you just have to watch, listen, feel, and understand, but you can't say anything–you can't describe it. go out, drive, watch the land, and don't say a word.

ok. now, after my hours of communing with nature, developing the mother of all passenger's sunburns, and taking a short nap, Paul and I got off talking about all kinds of stuff. for hours we talked about cops, criminals, abuse of power, use of force, government corruption, capitalism, communism, socialism, marxism, and the political future of america. I think we started talking about unmarked police cars and ended up with america evolving into its necessary and inevitable socialist structure.
      then for some reason, we talked briefly about the weather, the probability that it's going to be a scorching summer with a possible drought, and I started feeling really xerophobic and basically fearing not only for my life but for the future of the entire human race.
      i saw this future where all the vegetation on the planet died off, the atmosphere filling with noxious fumes and the human race slowly dying out. Paul slowly talked me away from my fear by insisting that we humans are too crafty to allow our atmosphere to wither away. I only hope he's right.
      to top it all off, when we got home I phoned brian to tell him about the trip and to make sure x:13 was still in one piece, and one of the first things he tells me is that a large solar flare is heading for earth and will cause some "atmospheric disturbance." considering my terror from earlier in the day (which i still hadn't fully shaken despite Paul's reassurance), this was the last thing I wanted to hear. brian seemed a bit surprised when I made a comment about this solar flare burning off all our atmosphere and annihilating the human race.

fortunately (or not, depending on your point of view) we're still here, and still seem to have adequate oxygen for at least a few days of regular breathing. after that, we'll see.

in tomorrow's post, I'll briefly review the Fight Club DVD, and probably go off on something totally uninteresting

gonna be a short post today, after my mental eruption of last night. apologies to those readers who's eyes were terribly strained by the tiny font I put yesterday's post in. I was suitably chastised by brian and several other friends, and have corrected it now.

waking up this afternoon, I was surprised to find several people in my house. I think today was the first time that's happened in several years. back in college ('94-'96ish) it became a daily routine to wake up and find between 2 and 20 people hanging out in the living room, but since moving to Louisville, the guests tend to be less frequent and more spaced out.

seeing all those people in the house was a pleasant reminder of how things used to be, and in the spirit of those memories, I suggested an impromptu cookout. it went well, fun was had by all.

no word yet from my potential employers. perhaps if I can wake up before 3:00 pm tomorrow I'll be able to give them a call myself…

obligatory link for the day: TheElectricChair.com
sorry, didn't do much surfing today…