a round trip of 866 miles. a drive home at 90mph. two wrecks on the way home (none involving me), one involving an overturned ambulance. lunch in nashville with an old friend. two bouts of nearly falling asleep at the wheel. i didn't sleep well the night before.

now i'm sitting at my (new) desk, staring at my cold coffee, writing a rambling post about everything and, at the same time, nothing at all.

i came in to work to start my new schedule, working on the other side of the office, in the previously mentioned new desk. i spent the majority of my first hour getting settled in my new environment. munching on chocolate covered krispy kremes. some things change, some things stay the same.

i'm now in a weird place, getting a handle on changed situations. some situations are much easier to deal with than others. i'm currently fighting one change like a caged animal. it's what i do. i hate to see things i care about slip through my grasp, time and again.

god damn it…i swear this isn't a return to the pissing and moaning of not so long ago. and i won't be posting about this situation anymore. it's out of respect, i think. for the other person. for what happened.

for what will probably never exist again between the two of us.

that, my friends, is a pisser. a real downer. a true frown inducer.

one of these days, things are going to work out the way i want them to. i just really wish that this had been that time. it's hard to meet someone so ideal, and then have everything dissolve due to whatever circumstances transpire. see things evaporate because of things you have no control over.

oh…fuck it. piss, piss, moan, cry.

feel better?

i'm convinced that man only started making plans out of some inherent need for self-destruction. we all know that even the best laid plans go awry. maybe we should just start planning for the exact opposite of what we want to happen…

someone at home is probably snickering at my misfortune, right this minute.

i went to atlanta this weekend. a return trip to see the most beautiful girl i've ever seen. i rolled into the city with big expectations of a grand weekend of relaxation and fun. i arrived to a warm reception. life, as i knew it, couldn't have been more perfect. i could have been struck dead at any given point of my first few hours in the city and i would have died a happy guy. plans are plans, but seeing someone after a semi-lengthy absence is always great.

then, in the middle of the night, it comes up that she's moving. farther away. to the "big city." it came out at a quiet time. right after tender words about life and happiness. it came out like it had been wanting to come out all night, but had been looking for the right opening. i guess she realized that there wasn't going to be a "right time" to bring it up. when dealing with me, there never is a "right time" to say a bad thing.

bad for me. great for her. beautiful that the only fucking thing i can think of is myself, huh?

and just like that, i drove seven hours to sleep alone.

the next day was tension on a slowburn. there were moments of happiness, of seeming understanding between the two of us. every time one of those moments showed it's beautiful face, i did or said something that sent it scurrying back into the underbrush. how's that song go? "i can't stop my own disaster."

she handed down the edict that things between us, the way they have been, are over. she can't move that far with this kind of monkey on her back. just for the record: i'm the one labelling it a monkey.

what do you do when, all of a sudden, you can no longer look into the most beautiful eyes you've ever seen? it hurts. it's something i never wanted to go through with her. i was always of the mind that this would have it's way of working out, however it needed to. i knew the possibility of her moving was there. i didn't think of it much. i just thought that things would be able to continue, things could go on unchanged. i was wrong. and now i get to reflect on how wrong i was.

she says to me, "don't beat yourself up over this."

i can't help it. i see all of my missteps over the course of this whole thing and see that i just took every chance i had to blow it.

at some point, this hopeless romantic will have to yank his heart out of his chest and drop kick that fucker out into the street.

and maybe he'll decide to stop talking about himself in third person.

i have to make sure that, for once, the "we can only be friends now" thing actually works out, this time.

sitting at work, a million things that i need to do racing through my head. i have to duck out for an early lunch to go meet matt for lunch to pick up his cell phone that he's loaning me for my trip. whatta guy, that matt. now if i get stuck by the side of the interstate, for any reason, i have a "handy" to scream into. or cry. or beg for the forces that be to just strike me down for my years of not understanding "how the world really works." or something like that.

i'm leaving work a total of three times (counting my early exit for the day) today. after the matt visit, i have to come back here, pick up my check, and go do the bank stuff. blah blah blabbity blah. i am a firm non-believer in direct deposit. i am, as they say, direct deposit…um…faithless.

jess will be feeding clyde, which means clyde probably won't get fed. jess forgets about all those little things in life, sometimes…i left her a note, though. notes help.

things i need to accomplish today:
get paycheck
take paycheck to the bank
meet matt for the cell exchange
go to bookstore
get pre-paid card for the cell
leave work early
get gas
get on the highway
get to atlanta
be happy

my head is about 400 miles south-east of here, at this moment. i am about a half second from cruising out the doors for a bit of an early exit.

why, oh why can't i manipulate time?

crap. it's been a couple of days since i've updated, huh? i had a long update that i wrote and then good sense got the best of me and i deleted it. some things just aren't worthy of a public forum, eh?

needless to say, i haven't really wanted to post to bipolar over the past couple of days. it's seeming to complicate my life in new and interesting ways, so i've been kinda loathe to allow this particular window into my life. but then again…no one really cares about who the fuck i am, right? i'm not gonna let one bad egg spoil the omelette.

preparations for my roadtrip continue. i got the brakes fixed yesterday, straightening out the persisting problem of "bad rotors." i then found out that the rear brakes on the car could stand a little work, but the guy at the place assured me it's nothing immediate. he asked "have you been needing to add brake fluid every couple of thousand miles?" i said "yep." he said "that's about the only pisser with those wheel cylinders right now. no big worries on the stopping ability, since you have a front-wheel drive car." and then i let out a sigh of relief. i plan on getting rid of this jalopy before it gets to the point where i'll need to fix those fuckers, anyway.

yeah…a new car may be on my horizon. please send me all of your "good luck vibes" that you can spare. like i believe in "vibes." can't hurt, i guess.

first he gets a g4 powerbook, now he gets a god damn cute puppy. i swear, bob nanna lives the life, ladies and gentlemen.

sometimes i'm really reaching out there for new material…

sunday morning from the box. funny how it's cool to call somewhere "the box" if you don't really like it. making it seem like it's a prison. i remember an episode of the a-team where they were at some hick prison and one of them was stuck in "the box." it seemed like such a terrifying experience to me, at the time. i think they actually called it "the sweat box." either way, it didn't look like anything i wanted to fuck with.

regardless, i'm at work, sipping orange juice, staring off into space. it's always pretty slow in here on sunday mornings. there's never really anyone here…the lights are all low…it's like a whole other workplace. i would have to say that sunday ends up being my favorite workday because the atmosphere is so different. much less stressful, to say the least.

i need to get a couple of things taken care of on my car before i leave for a short roadtrip thursday night. i'm planning on getting the brake pads changed on tuesday, utilizing (much to the shop's chagrin, i'm sure) my lifetime warranty on the things. other than that, i'll probably dump some fuel system cleaner into the tank right before i fill it up to head out.

too much car business lately. this place is starting to sound like "shop talk."

matt came over for a little while yesterday. we went out for lunch at the kfc and then hung around the house for a little while. matt commented on the new decor of the room (spartan), and had fun visiting the couch. we shot the shit about everything that's been going on lately. i told him a little about the girl. things are going well for matt (except his numerous computer troubles) in the new place, he seems to be settling in okay.

then i drove around for a little while. i ended up at the comic shop and then i went out to see scott at work. i mentioned i was hungry, he mentioned not wanting to go out to eat. i stopped by q'doba on the way home and picked up my standard mammoth of a burrito. scott cruised by after work and we sat around watching the entire half hour of radiohead live stuff mtv was broadcasting. i was slightly let down, to say the least. they could have at least showed the entire thing…

my life is incredibly boring when i'm happy. well…boring to others, anyway…

it's been a really lazy couple of days around here. i'm starting to settle in to the rhythm of living alone in this big space. the girl was in town for a couple of days earlier this week, so i'm still adjusting. at this point, i don't quite know if i should expect her to be laying there next to me or not. having that happen shortly after the transition to single living (note: living with jess isn't really like having a roommate. and if you saw my room…) was nice, to say the least.

and all of this space makes me feel rich, even when i'm broke as hell right now.

we really need to clean out the fridge. there's something alive in there that is starting to let off some horrendously stinky pheromones. it can't be allowed to mate.

yesterday i took the car out and did all that wonderful cheap maintenance that somehow makes you feel like the car is running better than it has in months. you know…changing the air filter, making sure the engine has enough oil and doing that whole tire pressure thing. i was surprised to find all of my tires really low. funny how that happens when you haven't checked them in a year… regardless, the car seems to be performing a bit better now. yee haw. i feel like one of the duke boys.

last night was pretty uneventful. i sat around and read some of a book that was a gift to me from that special someone. let me just go on record as saying that this girl has impeccable taste in literature, even if, for some reason, she thinks i'm a good writer. we can forgive her that one indiscretion, right?

word around the campfire is that i'm gonna be having a letter show up in viewer mail over at as the apple turns. i would like to go on the record as saying that this doesn't have a damn thing to do with me being best friends with the head writer of the show. i'd like to be able to say that, anyway…

molly and i are plotting out a new little publishing venture. right now it's on a very "need to know" basis. expect to hear more about it sometime soon.

i woke up in a good mood, this morning, despite it being a rather grey day outside. despite the fact that i'm basically broke for the next week. strange how you can put your life in order and gain a new perspective after so long of looking at things from a skewed angle. for once that glass is half full (if not more so).

i finally remembered to take my cds out to the car with me, this morning. i've been forgetting all week, and every time i got to the car i'd get in and realize "shit…they're still in the house." ironically enough, i brought all the cds down and ended up listening to one that's been in the car the entire time.

on the way into work, once i was getting close to my exit, i noticed a pretty bad snarl in traffic. luckily enough, my exit was right on the outside of all this hullaballoo, so i escaped the maw of the evil morning traffic beast. what i saw when i topped the hill of my exit made me realize what most of us are able to escape on a daily basis…an army of flashing lights lit the bottom of the hill, shooting strobes running straight through the grey morning and heading up all the traffic. an army of buzzing bees coming between all of these cars and an open, empty road beyond. i got into work and matt ended up showing up late (we chit chat on aim throughout the day). i know his route to work runs straight through all that traffic, so i asked if he got stuck in it. he acknowledged that he did and indicated that a semi truck had basically crushed a little car.

once again, perspective comes into play.

chances are looking up for radiohead tickets. they had a lottery that began last night and runs through the 10th to get tickets from their own merch company. we've got confirmation that we've been entered into the lottery, but we won't have word on our success until the 13th, three days before the general on-sale date. consider our fingers crossed.

i'm glad i make you laugh, molly.

i'm sitting here, writing this, writing email, and chatting with a couple of the random people in my life (guy and matt…hardly random). i'd like to point out that none of these things are even loosely defined as "work."

i'm looking forward to an uneventful weekend…

the last couple of days have been like a whirlwind. hastily planned trips have ended up paying off better than expected. she showed up monday night (it felt like it had been a lot longer than a week since we last saw each other) and passed my house. i grabbed my board and skated down the street, chasing her down. i eventually got her turned around and back on the right block. she arrived in one piece. that's all i could have ever asked for.

a lazy night at home. a beautiful dinner at ramsi's.

kentucky bourbon and coke in the newly amazingly clean upstairs…high life on the front porch swing. pizza from wick's. even my cat likes her.

i don't really know what else to say.

her stay was too short. i know we'll see each other again soon.

i'm probably going to remain quiet on this one for a while. i have jinxed myself way too many times to know better, at this point.

trust me. i'm happy.

remember when i mentioned my cute cat that can be a pest at times? yeah..well…her waking me up at around 6 this morning would fall under that "pest" category, i'd say. i don't really recall what time i fell asleep last night, but i think getting up at six (and not being allowed to go back to sleep right up until my alarm went off at 8:15) wasn't really in my plans. needless to say, clyde got a stern talking to. not like it really helped…she's a cat.

'the girl' is coming to visit today. i spent most of yesterday furiously cleaning the apartment, eventually stuffing almost everything (neatly) into the huge walk-in closet. i still have yet to vacuum, even though the vacuum is sitting in the middle of my floor, beckoning to me…waiting for me to get home. hopefully i can get out of work a little early…last minute preparations…thanks for mentioning the dishes, kerry.

paul, matt…you guys wouldn't recognize the place. i'm really missing the little refrigerator, though…

sitting at work, munching on some dunkin' stix. they truly are a breakfast treat.

my favorite quote from the simpsons has to be when homer referenced bob dole by saying "whatsisname…you know…mumbly joe…"

guy and i were bored this weekend, so we drug ourselves out from in front of bands on the run to go out and buy one of those polaroid joycams. damn that thing is fun. the film is expensive as hell, but it's still a lot of fun. on the way home, we rode by one of those little church carnivals that have those crappy little rides. we took pictures. they turned out nicely. as soon as i scan some, i'll post them. there is a picture of clyde sitting on my desk now. viva la joycam.

we haven't gotten the dsl hooked up on the new phone number yet. matt took the dsl service with him when he left, so we'll have to wait for them to ship us a modem and all of that boring business. i'm starting to get really fed up with this whole dial-up thing. i feel like i'm back in the dark ages or something. right maybe the stone age. right around the time of the invention of the wheel. god damn it…it's starting to suck my brain out…

i have too many things to do today. if you could please excuse me…

"brian hall! thank you for playing 'chump of the year'! here's your lovely parting gift…a lump of coal!"

"now eat it, you fucking bastard."

so i'm operating on about two hours of sleep right now. i picked my cat (clyde. a girl. don't ask.) up from my dad's house on friday. my sister had been watching her until she recently moved out, so since then it's just been clyde and my dad. i've been waiting until matt and brax move out to go get her, mainly because with so many people around, i thought she might be a burden. she can tend to be a bit of a pest. now she has plenty of room to roam around in.

and now she won't shut the hell up about being home. if i leave for five minutes, she freaks the fuck out. god forbid i might fall asleep at some point.

as if i wasn't losing enough sleep, as it is.

i met this beautiful girl. the most amazing girl i could ever imagine existing, let alone getting to meet her. it was a completely chance meeting and it has continued to blow me away, every step along the way. the big pisser in this situation is that this girl doesn't want a serious relationship right now. i really can't articulate what this girl means to me. the time i've spent with her, up to this point, was like a dream. i'm not going to lie and say that the fact that she doesn't want a relationship with me doesn't hurt. i'm feeling the familiar pangs of everything going down the wrong path. i'm suffering my "doom vision." and this time…i want to drop those feelings to the side. leave them behind me. i want to look on meeting this girl as a good thing. maybe we can be together at some point. maybe this is just a temporary thing. but until then, we have to be to each other whatever we can be, whenever we can.

i have a house guest tomorrow…i need to clean that warzone up, for once…