yesterday i left work early. i climbed into my car and drove until i was in fear of running out of gas. in some small town in indiana, i decided to fill the tank back up and try to get home. i spent yesterday trying to run away from a situation that is causing me a great deal of pain. i realized, when i got back home, that that situation isn't going to go away, no matter how much running i do.

what happens when you give someone all you have to give, to the point where you have nothing left for yourself?

my impending trip to go see her this friday has been cancelled and uncancelled, all in one day. jack decided maybe it would be better for me if i came out there anyway, maybe just to hang in boston and get away from home for a little while. maybe he's right. i just know that i won't be able to climb off of that plane, not wanting to see her. i know i'll scan the crowd, every face, just to see if she decided to show up. there's some hope in the back of my mind, deep down in my heart, that she will show up. that just makes me feel all the more foolish.

what do you do when the person you love unconditionally tells you they've "fallen out of love" with you? what do you do when that person tells you there is someone else? what do you do when you try as hard as humanly possible to hold yourself together long enough to see this person, and they tell you not to come? what do you do when this person tells you they don't want to speak again, yet the last words they say to you is "i love you"?

in the past week i have lost all sense of what love is. i really don't know where i'm supposed to go from this point. i should be typing all of this in an email to her, but it would do no use. and that's how i feel. without use.

you'd think i'd have this whole breaking up thing down to a science. god knows i've been dumped more times than i can even count. pretty much every girl that has ever been stupid enough to date me has sent me packing. so like i said…you'd think i'd be used to it by now.

point of contention amongst my friends: despite everything that has happened over the past week, i'm still going to visit her next weekend. i mean…i did buy the tickets. it would be a total waste of $200 to not go. and i've got a back up plan: if things don't go so well, i call jack and i spend the weekend seeing boston. at the very least, i'll be seeing him on monday, if everything turns out fine. my main reason for going, though, is that she wants me to. some people are gonna look at me askance over that one, but what do i care? i've always had a streak for self-destruction. i won't deny it. but i'd like to hold some hope out that maybe something can be worked out. i mean…she wouldn't be harsh enough to want me to fly out just to give me my t-shirt back, right?

there is one thing giving me pause, though. she's doing the whole not talking to me thing again. i just can't deal with that. don't tell me you still want to talk to me and then always have an excuse not to. that's maddening. it's the age-old adage about actions and words, y'know? i know i should try to let some of this die down over the next week. give us both a little time to think about what we want (even though she sounds pretty damn certain, already) and how we want my visit to play out. but…i feel like someone has smashed me in the chest with a sledgehammer…and i'd honestly do anything to have this feeling go away.

i apologize that my side of things have been so morose lately. i'll try to make an effort to not be such a downer next time.

but hell…everyone loves some drama, right?

right?

sitting at work, nursing a bottle of orange juice. nursing a monster headache. nursing some bloodshot eyes after sleeping only about three hours last night. i feel like the walking fucking dead. a regular zombie, you might say. never fear…i have yet to develop a taste for brains.

today is my last day of work for the week. i'm off on fridays and saturdays, so that should help get me back on some sort of sleep track. i'll be able to sleep late and all that hooey tomorrow. wouldn't that be nice?

i just got done giving brad directions to the zone. he's gonna happily wander in there to do his weekly comic buying at a 10% discount. i even recommended that he go to the cafe and order the "bh-1", my very own named special. how big of a geek am i? come on, people…give me the geek love.

did i mention that those tame.net girls update even less than we do? well consider it mentioned.

it looks like ben has finally gotten the kilowatthours website stuff straightened out. it's about time. i was tired of hearing him bitch and complain about it being down. he was starting to sound like me.

gesture? oh, molly…i'm so curious…

ironically enough, i'm thinking about chinese for lunch today. ha ha. i kill me. maybe my fortune will say something really upbeat like "you will get run over by a truck." and then on the back it'll say "twice."

$.99 for a 10 oz. bottle of orange juice from concentrate. what kind of soulless rip-off is that? and they charged me tax! orange juice! does the punishment never end?

late night again. i can't sleep for shit anymore. i spend most of the pre-dawn hours staring in the general direction of the ceiling, just wishing that when i closed my eyes i wouldn't see her face. this will be the fourth night in a row. i wonder how much longer i can last. i guess somewhere in there i am sleeping, because i know i keep waking up from horrible dreams. all the more reason to not close my eyes.

i was at work today, trying not to think of things too much, which in it self is a monumental task. work plus misery equals just a lot more misery. keep that in mind. anyway, i was digging in my pocket for some change to get a soda and i ran across an old fortune from a cookie i had a while back. foolishly, i pulled it out to give it a gander, only to have more depression stare me in the face.

"an old wish will come true."

i remember how i felt when i got that fortune. i remember cynically remarking how none of my wishes ever come true, so there's a wide selection to choose from. i was in a better place with her than i am now, so i was wistful enough to wonder if any of my wishes pertaining to her were old enough to count. then i thought, with a smirk on my face, that it would be my luck for the fortune's magic to conjure up something from the distant past, like a bb gun, or perhaps the cool cobra commander with the hood instead of the metal faceplate.

and today when i looked at it, i just felt pain. none of those wishes came true, just as i've grown accustomed to them not. i've pretty much given up on wishes. as soon as you make one, you're doomed to never get what you want in life.

i read the fortune, felt it hit me like a ten ton truck, and then quickly stuck it back in my pocket. maybe i'll find it again on a happier day and not have to feel what i felt when i read it today.

as i walked back to my desk, i tried to clear my head and could only think of one thing to say…

"fuck you, confucius."

on a lighter note…thanks to jack, i was able to discover a killer little web app that helps me hatch my own evil plan. all part of a beautiful site called "so you've decided to be evil." tell me that's not good, wholesome fun.

my plan:

Your objective is simple: World Domination
Your motive is a little bit more complex: Revenge

Stage One:

To begin your plan, you must first Blackmail a Diplomat. This will cause the world to sit up and take notice, stunned by your arrival. Who is this Evil Genius? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in Classic Black?

Stage Two:

Next, you will Seize control of United Nations. This will cause countless hordes of Robot Warriors to flock to you, begging to do your every bidding. Your name will become synonymous with Metal, as lesser men whisper your name in terror.

Stage Three:

Finally, you will Unleash your Armies of Destruction, bringing about Something That's Really Metal. This will all be done from a Underground Secret Headquarters of Doom, an excellent choice if we might say. These three deeds will herald the end, and the citizens of this planet will have no choice but to elect you their new god.

Trust us, it'll all come together in the end.

i spent the majority of yesterday laying on the couch, staring at the ceiling. i've been through the emotional wringer, these past few days, and i'm completely spent.

on the occasion of gaining a new ex-girlfriend, i ended up going out with two separate ex-girlfriends of days past. ironic, huh? i had lunch with angie because i was hungry and tired of sitting around the house wanting to die. we went out to friday's and had huge mixed drinks and pissed and moaned about our lives. me…i have girl troubles, her…she's married. that about sums it up. i hung out while she drove around picking up job applications (she was recently let go by my esteemed company), which really turned into hanging out in the bookstore for a bit. i decided to go home and mope some more, which i proceeded to do for the remainder of the evening.

that is, until jess came home. she saw my gloomy mood and cooked us some garlic cheese bread (a delicacy that i taught her how to create) that i ended up eating about 3 bites of. it was late in the evening and jess decided we should go out and see josie and the pussycats. the idea was, if anything, it was an hour and a half of staring at rachael leigh cook. can't beat that with a stick.

after that it was home for more full-on staring at the ceiling action. i chit-chatted for a while on the ol' computer, but for the most part it was a rather uneventful, sleepless night.

for the record: she said she'd call and she didn't. how pathetic am i to mention that?

and now i'm at work, most likely casting out tons of negative energy, but i don't really care. isn't that what work is for? to ruin your day?

hrm…maybe she'll call tonight…

there's nothing worse in the world than waking up in a bad mood. okay…there's probably worse things, but i certainly can't think of any right now. i barely got any sleep last night, so when the alarm started going off, all i wanted to do was punch it. i sleepwalked through my usual morning activities and somehow ended up here at work. talk about your rude awakenings…

i've had the usual assortment of crap on my mind over the last few days. not really knowing how to deal with it, i pull out the usual brian tactic and get all anti-social. standard fare for me, these days. i'm sure it's not the wisest move to alienate myself from everyone, but in all actuality…i don't really care. how's that for a happy statement?

on to some more positive junk…

i can't believe they got j. robbins to post. those jokers will never quit.

saturday was julia's birthday, so a belated public "happy birthday" to her.

i'm sorry, sorry…so sorry…

this morning i realized that no matter how big of a jackass i am on the road, there's always some asshole out there that's worse. nothing in particular to site as an example, but i just wanted to go on record as saying that sunday morning drivers are the biggest bunch of morons i've ever seen. myself excluded, of course.

i spent the majority of last night sitting around the house, procrastinating on the laundry tip. i ended up getting off my ass and headed over to a party at jim's house. there were actually a few people there, so i proceeded to down some cold ones and hang out for a bit. last night was "thunder night", which is the official kickoff to the kentucky derby festival. the whole derby thing has evolved into a two week party in the city of louisville, kentucky, using a horse race as a good excuse to get wasted. thunder over louisville, the big kickoff, is just what we affectionately term "the largest fireworks display in north america" or something like that. to tell the truth…if you've seen it once, you've seen it every year. but i guess being trashed and standing on a friend's garage roof (which is where i was last night)…well…it didn't make it any better, i guess. fooey.

so knowing i had to work today, i stopped being anti-social at yon party and just headed home. i ended up making a couple of quick drunken phone calls, then settled in for some reading before bed. i tell you what…i'm a boring motherfucker.

and i haven't had any coffee this morning…

first off: i saw fugazi last night. they played a phenomenal set that completely rocked me from beginning to end. now that that's out of the way…

i started yesterday off as slowly as possible, not wanting to get out of bed. we eventually left town right at the beginning of rush hour, which turned out to be quite a process. with a few quick re-routing decisions, we were on the right track, saving some time. well…time was saved until we got about 45 miles outside of indy and traffic was down to a dead stop. they whittled the highway down to one lane, but that wasn't what caused the stand still…no…the complete halt of forward progress was caused by an endless parade of brainless fuckers and shits, constantly trying to get ahead in a non-moving line. i big frowning to that damn intrigue, hot-rod guy, and that stupid person in the prism that just got off at the exit to try to speed ahead and gain two car-lengths on everyone else. frown.

we eventually hit the location of the show only about an hour or so late, with a minimal amount of confusion. fugazi was sound-checking, and after settling in, guy and paul had to go out and pick up some minidiscs to replace the ones that guy conveniently forgot. as soon as they left the building, fugazi ripped into closed caption, just to spite those of a more forgetful nature. nothing compares to standing in a mostly empty room, with fugazi wailing on one of your favorite songs, not 10 feet away. that made all that traffic shit worth it.

the show: a band called monster zero orchestra opened up. when i use the word "band", i use it very loosely. they were an 18-piece (or so) orchestra, kinda in the vein of rachel's, except they lean more toward a brassier edge. they did an amazing arrangement of the faraquet tune "cut self not", and just generally impressed me. i found out later that it was their first show ever. yowzers.

fugazi eventually took the stage and blistered through a set that was easily two hours in length. they played tons of your favorites, as well as anywhere from 5-7 new songs (look for the official tally when the show hits transmission3000). the new songs were an amazing mixture of full-steam-ahead rock and the more experimental stuff they were doing on end hits, with most of them easily clocking in at over 6-7 minutes long. they also whipped out "furniture", which has only been seen on the instrument video. as many bands as i may see in my life, none of them rock me near as hard as fugazi. and you can take that to the bank. the crowd was amazingly well behaved, and ian at no point had to ask the crowd to "take two steps back" as he is usually wont to do.

we decided to try to milk the names of some of the newer songs out of them, but guy just told us that most of them don't have names yet, and that we should just make up titles. we were also pleased to find out that the new fugazi record should be out sometime in september. mark that one on your calendars, kids.

so we got home really late. i was falling asleep most of the way back, but as soon as i got home, i couldn't sleep. i sat in front of the computer, chit-chatting with a couple other people who happened to be online at that ungodly hour. i finally hit the sack right around the time the sun started coming up, which is something i haven't done in a long time.

hey zack.

by the way, gang…a certain mr. bob weston assures me that the pool out there at pachyderm is truly something to behold. you lucky fuckers. glad you're having a good time, regardless.

it's laundry day, people…what am i doing sitting around gabbing with you?