ok, after my little mental drainage the other day, I'm feeling at least a tiny bit better. perhaps it has something to do with the fact that brian and paul have threatened to beat me until either all my depression is swallowed by the intense pain of breathing, or I'm simply overtaken by the euphoric feelings of near-death.

I don't enjoy my job. I perform my job, but I gain absolutely no satisfaction whatsoever from it. Is this the way life is supposed to be? my parents always told me that when I was older I'd be able to find a job that suited my interests, a job that would help me feel fulfilled. have I done something wrong? am I not trying hard enough? can I not spout enough bullshit to weasel my way into a job I'd love to do, but perhaps don't quite have the required level of experience? what is the deal with the only positions that are open are either a) total shit that no one wants or b) nice, but require exhorbitant amounts of hands-on or book knowledge. how do these hiring managers think people get experience for these jobs in the first place? someone, somewhere has to hire someone just a little less than experienced, or am I just missing out on something?

as a side note, and kind of just so I can work in an interesting/funny link I've found, let me just say this.

I like Kegels.

I really like Kegels.

The KegelMaster is possibly the greatest invention of the modern age.

I had a very emotionally mixed day yesterday, and a very draining one. I went to pick up my sister at the airport, on her flight in from France. she'd been there a year, and I must say I'm very happy to see her again. unfortunately, events leading up to our reunion really ruined everything for me.
      waking up, I was in a decent mood yesterday, and went to run some errands before leaving town for Cincinnati. got the oil changed, got some grub, and hit the road. the night before, I had gotten online to get a map to help me find the Cincinnati airport, since I'd never been there before. I had a little trouble on mapquest since I didn't know the airport's address. I eventually navigated my way to a superpages listing for the Cincinnati Northern Kentucky International Airport, and followed the link to get a map. Everything looked good, there was a star on the map in Cincinnati, near I-71. I assumed I had the problem of finding the place licked. If you live in or near Cincinnati, you probably have some idea of just how wrong I was.
      so anyway, I'm driving up I-71 from Louisville, cruising down the highway with my map at my side, the sun scorching my skin, and the wind blasting my hair into some unimaginably tangled mass of insanity. Just outside Cincinnati, I meet up with a 10 or so mile traffic jam, which, of course, I hadn't really taken into consideration since it was around 2:00pm. on a Friday–silly me thought most normal people would already be at work… I got through that, and made my way perilously through the maze of construction detours and bridges and underpasses that is what passes for an "expressway" through southern Cincy. Once out of the construction zone, I expected to see signs pointing my way triumphantly to the nearby waiting airport and my most likely already disembarked sister.
      once I got out of Cincinnati proper and hadn't seen any signs, I turned around and went back down I-71, again thinking perhaps I'd missed the signs, or they hadn't posted them on the North side of the expressway (believe it or not, we have run into this problem when driving through Cincy on other occasions, it's a fucked up place, and I've decided that I hate it and if I never ever go back in billion years, it will be too soon). before getting back down 71 too far, I exited the expressway and stopped at a gas station to ask the clerk how exactly to get to the airport. she kindly pointed me back onto the expressway and explained that I'd see the signs that would direct me to it in about five minutes or so. cool. now I knew where to go.
      I took off and followed the glorious signs that said International Airport, took 471 south, and cursed profusely when I almost immediately crossed the river to Kentucky. Logically, I thought, the Cincinnati airport can't be in Kentucky, since Cincinnati is in Ohio. I thought I was on top of things. I looked again at my map, and specifically noted the street names near the big blue star marking the airport in the middle of the city. I drove back up I-71, and didn't see any airport signs again, didn't see any signs for the streets I wanted, so I pulled off again, and then had a wonderful adventure driving 20 minutes through over 100 blocks of city streets following neverending signs leading me back to the express way. Needless to say, the trip just kept getting more and more absurd. At this point, I was already over an hour late to meet my sister, I was hot, sweaty, and smelly from sitting in my damn non-air-conditioned car for three hours. And I was really getting pissed off.
      once I finally got back on I-71, I almost immediately saw the sign for one of the roads that was supposedly near the airport, so I pulled back off and into the city. two blocks later, I was back on a more southerly section of the street I'd just left. I found the expressway once more, drove back north, passed where my earlier excursion had started, and pulled off and back on to the expressway once more going south. one more road to try, this one supposedly passing directly by the airport, I should certainly be able to find it from there.
      I pulled off, and followed the road right into the heart of the downtown area. as I realized I would never find the airport in the middle of the downtown district, I pulled behind some guy on the side of the road, and asked him where in the hell the airport was. he kindly told me generally how to get back to I-71/75 south, and proceed into northern Kentucky. he explained to me that the "Cincinnati airport" isn't really in Cincinnati at all. If I wasn't pissed before, I was burning hot now. That guy is pretty lucky I was too pissed off to get out of my car, and I was so late meeting my sister that I didn't have time to kick his nice, sincere, helpful ass.
      I quickly found the expressway, and drove quite a while into Kentucky, then again pulled off and asked a gas station attendant to more fully explain where this damn place was. she told me more about how to get there, that I hadn't yet gone far enough away from Cincinnati to get to the Cincinnati airport. with her instruction, I finally found the actual expressway the airport is on, 20+ miles from Ohio. I drove into the airport, parked the car, and was unfortunately so frustrated and in a generally foul mood, that when I found my sister, I gave her the most cursory of greetings and made her carry her own bags to the car. probably due to nearly passing out from heat exhaustion, the rest of the drive home and my memories of the trip in general are pretty hazy and surreal.

to make a long story short (a little late now, I know) I fucking hate Cincinnati, if I meet the people who named the Cincinnati airport I'm going to fucking kill them, and I'm glad my sister is back home, if only for a little while. I did miss her.

sorry for the lack of updates here on my side, I intended to do one last night, but ended up taking about three or four hours sifting through my email from the past three days.

I've got quite a bit to talk about, so I'll probably break it down over a few posts… give you something to come back for…

the cure are truly an awesome band. I am not their biggest fan, I only own a couple of their albums, and those have only been purchased in the past year; but Paul loves them and offered me a chance to go see them with him, so I took it. I had a great time.

there were lots of beautiful women running around, which enhances any concert going experience (for me, at least), and of course, there were also lots of rather repulsive members of both sexes running around as well.

I can't understand how 5'4" 250lb women can believe they look good in tight fitting dresses, or midriff tops and skirts. it is totally beyond me. I personally don't feel that I would look that great running around with my belly and chest exposed, and I'm not even really overweight.

another thing I don't get is spending a bunch of money on a concert for a band that you don't really like, listen to, or even understand; then showing up completely wasted to the point where you spend the majority of the concert either with your head between your knees or slumped over passed out in a chair. I CAN understand getting a little drunk and having a little fun, but if I wanted to get wasted and throw up, I could do that at home and get an equivalent musical experience from my CD player.

it almost ruined the show for me. we had been waiting for the doors to open for two hours or more (we got there a bit early, and had nowhere else to go, being in a strange city…), then finally we get in, find our seats, and wait another hour for the show to start. 20 minutes before the band takes the stage, the stands begin to fill up, and a group of people take the seats in front of ours. they're laughing, drinking their beers, having a good time. they break out a joint and pass it around. the band takes the stage and get started on the first song. I look down and the little eddie vedder lookalike in front of me has his head between his knees, puking his guts out. We're barely three minutes into the first song, and already the stench of puke is wafting up to my nose. I feel sorrier for the people in the next row up, they were in splatter range…

well that's enough for tonight.

in tomorrow's update:
corn fields, car talk, & fear of worldwide devastation

western kentucky is truly a remarkable place. the more things change the more they stay the same. you can read my bio on coffeemonk.com to see what I think of the place I hesitantly call home.

really though, my visit was nice. my parents, being from the mountains of Virginia, are easy going, down home folks (yes, I used the word "folks") who are SO normal it's almost scary. my 12 yr old brother, bless his heart, is the product of his environment, as I suppose we all are. he's going through the phase in his life (which I imagine only afflicts "southerners") where the word rebel and the confederate flag hold some special magic. it seems very disturbing to me now, but I recall going through something similar when I was his age, so I guess it will pass once he gets away from the amber waves and into "real life." I HOPE it will pass.

on my way out of town, i heard, for the first time since leaving Princeton, the word "nigger" used in a real conversation. now, my friends and I, far from being racist, are prone to making racial slurs in the name of humor, usually poking fun at people who would really think and speak that way.

don't get me wrong here. Racism is NOT funny–what is funny (in a sick, hopeless sort of way) is that there are people in this world who are ignorant enough to believe they are in some way superior to people with different color skin or different religious beliefs. I could go on on this subject for days, about the ills of the world and the sicknesses that infect our society, but I sincerely doubt anybody wants to read a weblog for that long.

i had a chat with my little brother, hoping to impart to him that thinking, speaking and acting like this was wrong. he is young, and being raised in that town where things like this are not only commonplace, but almost expected. it is one of the sad reasons I don't visit my parents much, and when I do, I usually stay cooped up in their house for the duration.

in other news, as brian pointed out in his log, over there Steal This Blog. brian wasn't sure if their mention of our site was favorable or not, but after reading it, I'd definitely say it was. thanks to Tom for noticing us. I guess I'm the "journal" and brian's the "weblog." so be it. I'm just glad someone was "amused." that's all I can ask.

i need your help: I'll admit it, I'm lazy. If anyone knows of a good place that can process online transactions cheaply (or for free) please . The three-toed sloth that is coffeemonk.com needs this capability. I'm almost finished putting a web-based version of my poetry book online, and would like to be able to sell some physical copies of it as well. oh, and if you're interested in art, literature, music, or film, go check out the site. there's not much on there right now, but we've got big plans.

damn, if any of you are still reading this long ass thing I've written here, thanks for sticking with me. time to hit the sack and hope I get a call in the morning telling me when I can start working. I need a job.

another day comes to a close. there's not enough going on in my life right now to warrant a weblog. oh well.

one thing I have realized in the past month or so is that if I'm going to be in a band, I probably need to learn how to play guitar.

something else I discovered recently–I'd heard it mentioned before, but this article claims to be quoting from "official" reports by organizations like the American Cancer Society–anyway, I learned that beer really is good for you.

brian may be right. perhaps I am a chickenshit. but when you're at a show to listen to one of your favorite bands, romance suddenly gets knocked down the priority list… at least for me. I go to shows to see my favorite artists play my favorite music, to enjoy hearing it live and louder than my dinky stereo at home will go.
then there's the whole thing where ALL my friends were goading me into talking to this girl. their pushing never works, and yet they always do it.
finally, this girl may have looked good enough for me to want to grab her and do the standing wheelbarrow right there in the middle of the show, but she's one of those girls who looks good, knows it, and then tries to prove it. basically, she was acting like she was some hot shit, and that kind of attitude just turns me right off. I don't mind a girl having a little attitude, hell I encourage it, but when she thinks she's just the greatest thing going, she's not.
so, maybe I'm a chicken shit for not walking up to her, bumping the morons she was talking to out of the way, and at least saying hi. maybe so, but I feel justified since she pretty much just annoyed the hell out of me through 90% of the show once my friends shut up and stopped bugging me so I could actually watch her and see if she was worth the trouble. (oh, and the 10% of the show where she wasn't annoying was when she was actually just standing there listening to the music, and not trying to act like a badass)

damn, kinda went off there.

g'night.