i'm really beginning to think i'm cursed. i seem to have some type of effect on things around me that causes them to break or stop working. as i mentioned in my last post, i did a number on my new computer's BIOS chip so that it doesn't boot up at all now. i'm still waiting for that replacement chip… hopefully it'll come in today. well, yesterday, as my other computer (the smaller beastie that's serving up the internet connection for both my (defunct) and paul's machines) was processing the x:13 design web server logs to update our stats pages, something untoward happened and just completely spazzed out the system partition on the hard drive. it was still running and happily serving the internet connection when i got home, but as soon as i attempted a reboot, it wouldn't go through with it. after running scandisk and finding over 21MB of lost data and "fixing" an obscene amount of corrupted files, it still wouldn't boot… surprise, surprise. so, last night i… once again (7th time's a charm, maybe?) began reinstalling windows. i can't wait til the new Amiga motherboard and OS come out. as soon as i'm able, i'll buy two of the fuckers and forever rid myself of this windows CRAP.

to top the night off, brax and i went over to our friend jim's house for band practice (our first in several months… we're such slackers…) and, of course, my guitar has gotten to the point where you just can't tune it properly any more, and if you can, it won't hold it for longer than… oh… two seconds. so, practice was a bust. i guess i'll be going to the guitar shop sometime this week to price a new one and maybe slap some money down on one (assuming my BIOS chip comes in so i can balance my checkbook… aaarrrggghhhh…)

otherwise things are pretty status quo for me, though it sounds like brian had a bit of an adventure with the cat and bug person yesterday. and he asked if i'd like to go see radiohead in New York with him, and i'd love to, but can't really afford it… so it's good that Guy is excited about the possibility and will most likely go.

ah, paul found some pics of the actress who'll be playing the part of the Vulcan in the new Trek series. can anyone say "HOT!"? and actually, i think i'll go ahead and put up my breakdown of the hottie-star-trek-chicks that i laid out for paul the other day. it's interesting to see how, women in star trek, aside from becoming more powerful characters, are also getting better looking with each series. here's the breakdown of the progression: (oh, and this is frequently recurring or main characters only)

Original Series: Uhura, Yeoman Rand
Next Generation: Tasha Yar, Deanna Troi, Beverly Crusher
DS9: Kira Nerys, Jadzia Dax, Ezri Dax
Voyager: B'Elanna Torres, Seven of Nine, Capt. Janeway (hey, she could be pretty hot at times…)

and it's also funny, as paul pointed out, especially since Next Gen anyway, there's always a tough one and a pretty one, though the lines do blur from time to time. Tasha – tough/pretty, Deanna – pretty. Kira – tough/pretty, Jadzia – pretty/tough, Ezri – pretty. B'Elanna – tough/pretty, Seven – pretty/tough.

anyway, that's enough on that topic.

today started out pleasantly enough, with rolling thunder and pounding rain in the middle of the night (or terribly early morning, however you want to look at it) waking me up and giving me some prime thinking time before drifting back off to nice dreams.

then i woke up with the alarm. that's always where the day hits the downslope, isn't it?

i did the morning rituals and headed out onto the still wet streets. i hit the highway and was immediately forced into a place that i'd be stuck in for the rest of my interstate experience for this morning: behind a pokey bastard in the fast lane.

let me just get into my theory of "life in the fast lane," for a few seconds… i guess it really stems from that old "lead, follow, or get out of the way" scenario. my theory is, if you're going to speed, great. if you're not going to speed as much as the guy behind you…if you can't hang…clear the way for the more impetuous lawbreaker. it's pretty damn simple. if i am going faster than you, get the fuck out of my way. survival of the fittest. or at least "survival of the most brazen lawbreaker."

and then i get into work, fully aware that all the ceos and vps of this and that are here today. i decided to do my part and wear a tie, but i think things have gotten a little out of hand around here. they came in and turned all of our desk lamps on, citing "they like light! they like things bright!" well…guess what? i don't. consider my desk lamp turned…off. my shirt is bright white. that should count for something. they have all of the window shades open and tons of little smiley-face balloons on people's chairs. it's just a madhouse. all to impress the suits. i guess that's the way the traffic in the pond flows, huh?

and i probably won't be seeing radiohead. not in chicago. not in atlanta. and most likely not in new york. joy of joys. that's what you get for trying to be adaptable.

just a note…the m.a.s.h. has spoken:

You live in a Apartment.
You're married to [the girl].
You drive a BMW.
Your car is the color Silver.
You live in the state Kentucky.
Your honeymoon is Japan.
Your occupation is a Writer.
You have this many kids: 4 (2 male; 2 female).

i got lucky, ladies and gents…

some notes on this:

my other two girl options were winona and gwynneth. i much prefer apartment living, anyway. the other two cars were both hondas, which could have ended up black or red, as well as silver. the other states are unimportant. the honeymoon was between spain, italy, and japan. japan wins. i guess i have to get used to being a writer, huh? and plenty of kids is fine by me…

3 posts in one day? word lust, i say…

an afternoon in hell…

i ditched out of work for a little while to do that whole cat thing, this afternoon. i was able to arrive at the homestead well before the terminex truck, so i felt good and safe. i was able to stash the litter box and food dishes, as well as the assorted cat toys that were gifts to clyde from the girl. i stashed clyde in the cat carrier and rushed her out to the car, which she hates. clyde has never been a fan of the car. we drove around for a bit, and i picked up lunch. i pulled the car into some shade around the corner from the house and made sure the windows were down. i rushed upstairs to try to remain inconspicuous and to make sure i knew the exact moment the pest control people actually left. i sat around in front of the computer, chit-chatting and scarfing my lunch until the terminex truck finally pulled away from the front of the house. i rushed down to the car and clyde was panting and bitching at me for being gone so long. i drove around the block, snatched her out of the car, and rushed her fussy ass back upstairs.

she climbed out of the cat carrier, walked around for a little bit, and plopped down into the floor like nothing happened. all that bitching for nothin', huh? that's life, i guess.

in all of the confusion, i ended up only eating about half of my lunch. now i'm sitting around hungry. damn the man.

i just want to go on record as saying that clyde took to the girl like i've never seen, curling up in her lap like crazy. the girl is this incredibly nice person who brought cat toy up on her very first visit. these things just reinforced my feelings about how she was someone that i really wanted to be with, despite whatever challenges lay before me. how can i not want to be with this girl? really now…it's just principle, you know.

i guess i'm just waiting around for her to realize how great i am, at this point. i already know how amazing she is, after all.

but i guess that would require me being great…

oops.

i woke up this morning from a dream about choking. i don't remember how i was choking. couldn't remember whether it was food, someone's hands, or a punch to the throat that was causing my lack of air. i know that i woke up gasping for breath. that's never fun.

i rolled out of the house this morning and straight to the coffee joint. after my night of fitful, strange (and bad) dream laden sleep, i needed something that was going to put a spring back in my step for the day. one (1) medium mocha with three (3) squirts of chocolate definitely filled the bill. expressway to nervous jitters, dead ahead.

i have to go home for lunch today. i have to take the cat out of the house and ride around the neighborhood while the landlord has the house sprayed for bugs. normally this wouldn't be an issue, but jess informed me, via note, that the landlord doesn't really know about clyde. we don't want to step on any toes, so this is gonna be a nerve-wracking afternoon, to say the least. i'll just have to pick up some quick food to make my tummy stop grumbling.

still trying to iron out the travel plans for this weekend. we're headed up to chicago for a big shellac and fugazi show. should be, well, huge. we're debating the merits of driving up friday night versus saturday morning. maybe we'll just hang out here in town friday night and go bowling or something. either way, it should be a fun weekend.

i'm extremely hungry, at this point, having had all of my energy burned out of me by my beloved morning mocha. i need to start eating more. this one meal a day plan is for the birds. i have much respect for the snack machine…

what is massivewasteoftime.com? what is bob talking about? only time will tell…

time for me to pretend to do some frickin' work…

i woke up this morning feeling like my life was a prison.

i looked up at the wall and just thought "this isn't right." i felt, for the first time in a while "this isn't home." but i guess the strangest question that's running through my head right now is…where is home?

i don't have an answer to that question, at all. i was really happy to have all of the space that i now call my own when matt moved out, but honestly…it feels wrong. i'm essentially living alone again, mostly because jess is never home. i'm coping with some fresh heartache. i have cable tv. i have a playstation 2. they both sit dead silent. i barely use my own computer, anymore. this is, mostly, due to the fact that we don't have the dsl line at the house anymore, so it's become more of a chore than an entertaining diversion.

speed. flashing lights. whatever we want, whenever we want it. funny how you take convenience out of our lives and we go nuts. it becomes less interesting.

so…is louisville a prison? i don't know. i've never really escaped it for more than a week at a time. i go on a lot of trips, these days. weekends in other cities. usually i'm happy to be home. i can say that the last couple of trips i've taken, seeing louisville again was kind of a downer. i've been thinking of moving away from here for a while. my main problem is that i haven't a clue where to go. i have friends in a lot of major cities. i could move virtually anywhere. but, honestly, would that city become just another prison?

is my attitude on life really my only prison? i've spent a few years, drifting from heartbreak to heartbreak, wondering if it would never end, not really thinking about how to put an end to it. i feel like i was just involved with someone who changed all of that for me. i was able to see things how i hadn't seen them previously. that a lot of my issues from the past were really what's been holding me back. they were, essentially, holding me back from her. i made decisions to not have this turn out the way things of my past have. i did a lot of soul-searching. i dug under every rock in my mind, looking for clues as to how to put an end to this.

and i came up with an answer. and i made the resolve that this was going to change. and i set about making it change.

and i still want to make those changes. and i still want to make them for the same reasons. but now i'm in an entirely new situation and i don't really have any control over it. i'm trying to make the best of things the way they are, currently. i know that if i don't stop my usual trainwreck before it happens, that i'll never be able to salvage more than a token friendship out of this, if even that. and to be honest, i want so much more from this.

i just hope i don't get stuck in jail again.

a round trip of 866 miles. a drive home at 90mph. two wrecks on the way home (none involving me), one involving an overturned ambulance. lunch in nashville with an old friend. two bouts of nearly falling asleep at the wheel. i didn't sleep well the night before.

now i'm sitting at my (new) desk, staring at my cold coffee, writing a rambling post about everything and, at the same time, nothing at all.

i came in to work to start my new schedule, working on the other side of the office, in the previously mentioned new desk. i spent the majority of my first hour getting settled in my new environment. munching on chocolate covered krispy kremes. some things change, some things stay the same.

i'm now in a weird place, getting a handle on changed situations. some situations are much easier to deal with than others. i'm currently fighting one change like a caged animal. it's what i do. i hate to see things i care about slip through my grasp, time and again.

god damn it…i swear this isn't a return to the pissing and moaning of not so long ago. and i won't be posting about this situation anymore. it's out of respect, i think. for the other person. for what happened.

for what will probably never exist again between the two of us.

that, my friends, is a pisser. a real downer. a true frown inducer.

one of these days, things are going to work out the way i want them to. i just really wish that this had been that time. it's hard to meet someone so ideal, and then have everything dissolve due to whatever circumstances transpire. see things evaporate because of things you have no control over.

oh…fuck it. piss, piss, moan, cry.

feel better?

i'm convinced that man only started making plans out of some inherent need for self-destruction. we all know that even the best laid plans go awry. maybe we should just start planning for the exact opposite of what we want to happen…

someone at home is probably snickering at my misfortune, right this minute.

i went to atlanta this weekend. a return trip to see the most beautiful girl i've ever seen. i rolled into the city with big expectations of a grand weekend of relaxation and fun. i arrived to a warm reception. life, as i knew it, couldn't have been more perfect. i could have been struck dead at any given point of my first few hours in the city and i would have died a happy guy. plans are plans, but seeing someone after a semi-lengthy absence is always great.

then, in the middle of the night, it comes up that she's moving. farther away. to the "big city." it came out at a quiet time. right after tender words about life and happiness. it came out like it had been wanting to come out all night, but had been looking for the right opening. i guess she realized that there wasn't going to be a "right time" to bring it up. when dealing with me, there never is a "right time" to say a bad thing.

bad for me. great for her. beautiful that the only fucking thing i can think of is myself, huh?

and just like that, i drove seven hours to sleep alone.

the next day was tension on a slowburn. there were moments of happiness, of seeming understanding between the two of us. every time one of those moments showed it's beautiful face, i did or said something that sent it scurrying back into the underbrush. how's that song go? "i can't stop my own disaster."

she handed down the edict that things between us, the way they have been, are over. she can't move that far with this kind of monkey on her back. just for the record: i'm the one labelling it a monkey.

what do you do when, all of a sudden, you can no longer look into the most beautiful eyes you've ever seen? it hurts. it's something i never wanted to go through with her. i was always of the mind that this would have it's way of working out, however it needed to. i knew the possibility of her moving was there. i didn't think of it much. i just thought that things would be able to continue, things could go on unchanged. i was wrong. and now i get to reflect on how wrong i was.

she says to me, "don't beat yourself up over this."

i can't help it. i see all of my missteps over the course of this whole thing and see that i just took every chance i had to blow it.

at some point, this hopeless romantic will have to yank his heart out of his chest and drop kick that fucker out into the street.

and maybe he'll decide to stop talking about himself in third person.

i have to make sure that, for once, the "we can only be friends now" thing actually works out, this time.

well, so much for that three-day streak, huh? bah.

it seems like a lot has happened since the last post, but i think i mainly didn't post because i was so involved in trying to get my new computer set up properly. when i get involved in a project i tend to get a little too focused. anyway, so nathan (who i mentioned in the last post) came down for a visit with the crew this past weekend and a good time was had by all. i survived another swing of the hatchet at my place of work, and have another new supervisor and a different "team." i'm still doing the same job, it's just names and group affiliations that have changed. as i mentioned, i got that new computer set up, but wednesday night i got really stupid and decided to try to upgrade the motherboard BIOS… this had exactly the opposite effect from what i'd hoped it would have. rather than making my system magically faster and better, it actually made it not work at all. funny, that. anyway, a quick email to the motherboard manufacturer, and i've been assured a new BIOS chip is on the way.

another thing i found out today, from my former supervisor and smoking buddy at work, is that my crush thinks i'm cute! apparently, my supervisor talked to one of her (my crush's) friends about my interest in her (my crush) and that person then told her. apparently, she said something along the lines of "oh, don't you remember, he's the one i told you i thought was cute." and also, apparently, her friend told her that she "needed to do something about" the whole boyfriend thing. who knows, something might come of this after all. i guess this means i'll have to start taking more showers and dressing a little better again. oh, and as i told paul, i'll have to start running again.

here's a list of things i told paul that i needed to either start doing, or stop doing:

1. quit smoking — it really sucks and makes me feel like crap about 85% of the time.
2. quit eating such big meals. — even when i don't intend to, i usually end up getting more food than i technically need, then, because i paid for it, i feel like i have to eat it.
3. start running — self explanatory, considering the above two items.
4. stop waking up — really, if you think about it, waking up is the primary reason that we have bad days. if we didn't wake up, we wouldn't really have a bad day now, would we? that waking up shit is for the birds.

i think that was about it. but now that i'm sitting here, writing this, and my eyes feel like they're burning because i'm tired and they've been open too long, i realize that i need to add one more thing to that list.

5. start getting to bed on time — this might help with the whole waking up thing… perhaps my days would go better if i were more lucid throughout them.

anyway, it's beddybye time. 'night folks.

sitting at work, a million things that i need to do racing through my head. i have to duck out for an early lunch to go meet matt for lunch to pick up his cell phone that he's loaning me for my trip. whatta guy, that matt. now if i get stuck by the side of the interstate, for any reason, i have a "handy" to scream into. or cry. or beg for the forces that be to just strike me down for my years of not understanding "how the world really works." or something like that.

i'm leaving work a total of three times (counting my early exit for the day) today. after the matt visit, i have to come back here, pick up my check, and go do the bank stuff. blah blah blabbity blah. i am a firm non-believer in direct deposit. i am, as they say, direct deposit…um…faithless.

jess will be feeding clyde, which means clyde probably won't get fed. jess forgets about all those little things in life, sometimes…i left her a note, though. notes help.

things i need to accomplish today:
get paycheck
take paycheck to the bank
meet matt for the cell exchange
go to bookstore
get pre-paid card for the cell
leave work early
get gas
get on the highway
get to atlanta
be happy

my head is about 400 miles south-east of here, at this moment. i am about a half second from cruising out the doors for a bit of an early exit.

why, oh why can't i manipulate time?