it seems that there are some situations in life that you will always be doomed to repeat, or to find out you've repeated them without even being aware of it.

i was just made aware last night that this girl I used to work with, and whom I'd had a huge crush on the entire time she worked there, had also had a crush on me. DAMN. 'course, she was dating someone at the time, but still. i HATE finding out stuff like this, because I always feel like a fool for not having any clue. and, of course, this isn't the only time something like this has happened. why, with me, is it almost always a case of bad timing? why can things never happen how and when they should? what is the deal?

still. there's hope. and simultaneously there's the complete lack of hope. i've also found out that she is now single, living with another girl who was a great friend of mine and who helped me through quite a bit of emotional struggles with the idiot-jerk dating girl mentioned in my last post. there's the hope. the final piece to the puzzle (you may, at this point, be thinking, "hey, sounds great. you're single, she's single, you're both aware of your mutual attraction, now all you've gotta do is hook up."), the piece that makes this such a similar picture to all the other puzzles in my life, is that she's leaving next May to join the Peace Corps for two years. what wouldn't I give to at least find out if there might be something to that mutual attraction we felt over a year ago. do I dare try to establish something with this great girl, just to have her run off and leave the country in less than a year? do I set myself up so that I have to deal with this situation again, or do I just take what I've got–a nice feeling–and leave it at that?

knowing myself as well as I do, which I tend to think is pretty well, most of the time, i'm sure i'll try to see what might develop and then deal with the inevitable leave-taking when the time comes. the potential for happiness is too great to pass up.

well, this is getting kinda long, don't wanna send too many of you running & screaming, bleeding from the eyes.

two final points.

I've just changed cubes here at work. pretty sad that I've had to move after only being here a little over two months. i like the new place better, i've got my back (and my monitor) to a wall, and my eyes facing the "door." i feel quite a bit more comfortable here. funny thing is, as I was moving stuff around, I found a CD-R behind the desk, popped it in the drive (once I got everything set up) and found an amazing collection of really bad MP3 files. i had thought the guy that used to occupy this cube seemed like a pretty decent "cool" guy, but this CD is filled with bad 80's hair metal music, Days of the New, frickin Matchbox 20, limp bizkit, and other stuff too horrible to mention. on the positive side, there's some Johnny Cash, a Duran Duran track, Prince, a couple Jane's Addiction, Foo Fighters… a few decent things. I hate to say it, but just having Matchbox20, limp bizkit, and Bush on the same disc kind of negates the coolness factor of the good stuff.

and finally, something I found that's just fuckin funny as hell. it's on this moderately interesting site word.com, that you should browse around after viewing this little shockwave goodie. **update 12/17/2004 this site now goes to Merriam-Webster Online. linkrot sucks.**

that's it. i'm out.

my soul has been sucked out by COMICS! my god, what's happening to me!? I've been endeavoring to catalog my entire comics collection (a measly two & 1/2 long boxes) and haven't done ONE OTHER THING on my computer at home. hell, I barely check e-mail anymore. one thing's for sure, I'm getting to know my collection really well, and learning a bit about comics in the process–writers, pencillers, inkers, valuations, and the fact that story titles get recycled every year or so.

if I wasn't before, I suppose I'm now officially a comics geek.

ack.

not much else has been going on, though I did see yet another totally captivating chick at Deddens last Friday. Tall, thin, really really cute, and she could play pool like crazy. she held the table through at least 6 or 7 contenders (all guys) and totally impressed me and the puffin, with more than just looks. skill, looks, personality… it was quite a package. she'll forever be known as "the pool goddess."

did we talk to her?

what do you think?

of course not.

another day in the exciting world of matt.

well, didn't do any drunken scripting last night, but did a bit of drunken ogling of beautiful women. unfortunately, brian and I were both ogling the same girl, and brian being in the mood he was in I didn't really feel like making any moves (out of respect) (that, and I probably wouldn't have made any moves anyway, 'cause I never do, and really don't think I even know how anymore).

sometimes, and more often lately, I feel like a complete social retard, unable to communicate or connect with the people around me, often, even with my closest friends. even my sister and I, though I love her to death and was really happy to get to see her again, didn't really talk that much the few hours she was here. I find myself riding in cars with my best friends, hanging out with them, and–maybe–saying 15 words between locations… I don't know if its me, or what. it's not that I don't want to talk with them, quite the contrary, it's just that for some reason most of the time I don't feel I have anything worthwhile to say. I think that's why my best days tend to be days when my friends are all happy and talky, and I can just kind of sit and listen to them and not really feel pressured to contribute.

and it's not that I'm a total mute either, I can and do talk to them, but there're just those times, and to me, it just seems like they happen too often.

i've also come to the conclusion that if I don't have it already, i'm probably developing some mild form of seasonal affective disorder. too many things have happened to me during the winter months of my life that haven't been good, or that have started out good and ended up with me mentally and emotionally beaten again. too many memories.

well, today's x-men day. I must say, though I myself never read any of the x-men books, I'm pretty excited about the new movie. perhaps it's an illness I've caught from brian (jerk boy, over there yesterday with Paul who'd weaseled his way into a preview pass somehow, and invited brian rather than me because he actually reads x-men or something. man, the nerve of some people).

anyway, it's gotten some decent reviews, and it'll hopefully bring comic movies back up to the level of the first Keaton Batman movie. also, there's hope that if this movie is a success, someone will actually get around to finishing that damned Spider-Man movie they've been promising for almost more than 5 years now.

oh yeah, and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos is… pretty much… naked. why the hell would I not watch this movie?

sorry for the lack of updates here on my side, I intended to do one last night, but ended up taking about three or four hours sifting through my email from the past three days.

I've got quite a bit to talk about, so I'll probably break it down over a few posts… give you something to come back for…

the cure are truly an awesome band. I am not their biggest fan, I only own a couple of their albums, and those have only been purchased in the past year; but Paul loves them and offered me a chance to go see them with him, so I took it. I had a great time.

there were lots of beautiful women running around, which enhances any concert going experience (for me, at least), and of course, there were also lots of rather repulsive members of both sexes running around as well.

I can't understand how 5'4" 250lb women can believe they look good in tight fitting dresses, or midriff tops and skirts. it is totally beyond me. I personally don't feel that I would look that great running around with my belly and chest exposed, and I'm not even really overweight.

another thing I don't get is spending a bunch of money on a concert for a band that you don't really like, listen to, or even understand; then showing up completely wasted to the point where you spend the majority of the concert either with your head between your knees or slumped over passed out in a chair. I CAN understand getting a little drunk and having a little fun, but if I wanted to get wasted and throw up, I could do that at home and get an equivalent musical experience from my CD player.

it almost ruined the show for me. we had been waiting for the doors to open for two hours or more (we got there a bit early, and had nowhere else to go, being in a strange city…), then finally we get in, find our seats, and wait another hour for the show to start. 20 minutes before the band takes the stage, the stands begin to fill up, and a group of people take the seats in front of ours. they're laughing, drinking their beers, having a good time. they break out a joint and pass it around. the band takes the stage and get started on the first song. I look down and the little eddie vedder lookalike in front of me has his head between his knees, puking his guts out. We're barely three minutes into the first song, and already the stench of puke is wafting up to my nose. I feel sorrier for the people in the next row up, they were in splatter range…

well that's enough for tonight.

in tomorrow's update:
corn fields, car talk, & fear of worldwide devastation

another day comes to a close. there's not enough going on in my life right now to warrant a weblog. oh well.

one thing I have realized in the past month or so is that if I'm going to be in a band, I probably need to learn how to play guitar.

something else I discovered recently–I'd heard it mentioned before, but this article claims to be quoting from "official" reports by organizations like the American Cancer Society–anyway, I learned that beer really is good for you.

brian may be right. perhaps I am a chickenshit. but when you're at a show to listen to one of your favorite bands, romance suddenly gets knocked down the priority list… at least for me. I go to shows to see my favorite artists play my favorite music, to enjoy hearing it live and louder than my dinky stereo at home will go.
then there's the whole thing where ALL my friends were goading me into talking to this girl. their pushing never works, and yet they always do it.
finally, this girl may have looked good enough for me to want to grab her and do the standing wheelbarrow right there in the middle of the show, but she's one of those girls who looks good, knows it, and then tries to prove it. basically, she was acting like she was some hot shit, and that kind of attitude just turns me right off. I don't mind a girl having a little attitude, hell I encourage it, but when she thinks she's just the greatest thing going, she's not.
so, maybe I'm a chicken shit for not walking up to her, bumping the morons she was talking to out of the way, and at least saying hi. maybe so, but I feel justified since she pretty much just annoyed the hell out of me through 90% of the show once my friends shut up and stopped bugging me so I could actually watch her and see if she was worth the trouble. (oh, and the 10% of the show where she wasn't annoying was when she was actually just standing there listening to the music, and not trying to act like a badass)

damn, kinda went off there.

g'night.