seems like brian's been admirably picking up my slack around here, updating bipolar on a regular basis while i've been busy doing a bunch of nothing.

first off, thanks to the executors of the Sebastian Stirling estate for their birthday well-wishes, all the more meaningful considering their recent loss.

i've certainly had a decent birthday. can't complain too much. yesterday, i had my 90 day evaluation at Corvus and got a raise! if that doesn't make for a decent birthday, i don't know what does.

spent most of the day today lounging around the house in my bathrobe, as I like to do, surfing the web, pricing new computers. looks like i'm going to end up going the sony VAIO route. and as brian said, "they made the PlayStation 2, how can you go wrong?"

had a good dinner and good beer with good friends at the irish rover (with no horrible bitch waitress in sight), and afterwards went to the hideaway saloon with brian and proceeded to drink two more pints and play some really bad drunken pool.

and finally, i told you all that stuff partly to avoid thinking about this–
she didn't remember. not that i'm surprised, mind you, but after i, on her birthday, and after not having spoken to her in like 4 or 5 months, wrote her a letter and made the effort to rekindle at least a friendship of some sort, i had kind of hoped that she would. i guess she's too busy being the little queen bee, having all her little drones buzzing around her (-like i used to do-), and doesn't have time to remember the birthday of the person she keeps assuring is her best friend in the world. agh. enough of that.

i am a happy person, see :^)

**update 12/17/2004** signaldrench is no more, now there's newartillery

from Merriam-Webster OnLine Dictionary:

as in, something i am trying not to be, to her.

it's amazing how similar life can be for so many different people, so many similar experiences, so many similar feelings, wants, needs, hopes, fears. i was having trouble thinking of what i was going to write about today, so i took a few moments to read the latest posts on jack's site and almost immediately knew what i had to write about today.

it's been almost a week since I talked to her, the last time being only briefly on the phone last tuesday, following that nice, grueling discussion we'd had on monday. for some reason i can't feel that it's over, that this chapter in my history is really closed yet. i suppose that's why it's been so difficult to write about it at times, there's been no real closure.

we both know each other too well to totally discount the possibilities.

one of the things she said to me, or asked me rather, when we were talking, and that added to the thought that perhaps she really has grown up somewhat, was a pointed question about me. she asked me what it was that i was afraid of. what scared me. i couldn't really answer that, but i was pretty sure i knew what she was getting at. i mean, i'm not totally fearless, but i couldn't think of anything at that moment that really scared me, or that i worried about. i'm in a pretty happy place right now, i've got a good job, making decent money, i'm actually paying utility bills on time, and may even be able to start paying off other debts shortly. anyway, she supplied my answer for me.

"i think," she said, "you're afraid of being alone."

and you know, she's probably right. at times i very much fear that i will spend the rest of my life without someone with whom to share it. i have the most wonderful friends anyone could ever ask for, but sometimes that's just not enough. and it's just made worse by the idea that i've been so close to her, and others as well, that i thought we'd be together forever. even still, i could see myself with her.

i've grown up some myself, i don't think i'm as afraid of being alone as i was when she knew me. i still am to a point, but i also know that i can make it on my own.

it's been kind of a weird few weeks, what with the "return" of the ex-girlfriend, and i've had quite a bit on my mind.

most recently, we shared a few hours together after she got off work one night, sitting out in the grass in back of the mall, talking about things. the majority of the things that i most wanted to say to her are basically forbidden in light of our previous relationship. i couldn't think of any way to say them without looking like I was "out to destroy" her current relationship just in order to get her back, which i'm not.

sure, i still care about her a great deal, still have very deep feelings for her, and still think she is — despite the many mistakes she's made, and the amount of growing up she still needs to do — she is still a wonderful girl. if i thought i could get her back and we'd be perfectly happy, and everything would be wonderful, i'd probably try. but i know that things aren't that easy.

she is still with "idiot-jerk" and decidedly unhappy. this much came out in our hour & 1/2 long conversation the other night, wherein she, without my prompting, vocalized many of the observations and concerns about her that had been occupying my own thoughts. the fact that she knows what kind of situation she's in, that she can articulate the many problems, gives me hope that maybe she really has grown up a bit. still, she continues to endure her situation, and even admits to not having the "strength" at this point to end it (because it's been going on so long).

do you know how frustrating it is to be able to see so clearly how wrong things are and to not be able to do anything about them? i'm sure some of you do, i'm sure some of you have the same vision i have, the same ability to understand how people work… and i'm sure it drives you fucking nuts, just like it does me. do I sound like I'm tooting my own horn here? saying "I understand people!" possibly, but it's more a curse than anything really desirable.

i wish i could just say "end it," "let go," "wake up," or something similar, but I can't. it's something she has to do on her own. if i cause it, if i influence it anymore than just pointing it out to her, then it's not going to do her any good. perhaps if she can — separate herself from the situation — she can find herself, gain that strength that she needs, and learn the lessons she's being taught. if i can help her do that, without compromising the process, i will try.

anyway. this shit's been keeping me up at night, and I had to get it off my chest. thanks for listening.

it seems that there are some situations in life that you will always be doomed to repeat, or to find out you've repeated them without even being aware of it.

i was just made aware last night that this girl I used to work with, and whom I'd had a huge crush on the entire time she worked there, had also had a crush on me. DAMN. 'course, she was dating someone at the time, but still. i HATE finding out stuff like this, because I always feel like a fool for not having any clue. and, of course, this isn't the only time something like this has happened. why, with me, is it almost always a case of bad timing? why can things never happen how and when they should? what is the deal?

still. there's hope. and simultaneously there's the complete lack of hope. i've also found out that she is now single, living with another girl who was a great friend of mine and who helped me through quite a bit of emotional struggles with the idiot-jerk dating girl mentioned in my last post. there's the hope. the final piece to the puzzle (you may, at this point, be thinking, "hey, sounds great. you're single, she's single, you're both aware of your mutual attraction, now all you've gotta do is hook up."), the piece that makes this such a similar picture to all the other puzzles in my life, is that she's leaving next May to join the Peace Corps for two years. what wouldn't I give to at least find out if there might be something to that mutual attraction we felt over a year ago. do I dare try to establish something with this great girl, just to have her run off and leave the country in less than a year? do I set myself up so that I have to deal with this situation again, or do I just take what I've got–a nice feeling–and leave it at that?

knowing myself as well as I do, which I tend to think is pretty well, most of the time, i'm sure i'll try to see what might develop and then deal with the inevitable leave-taking when the time comes. the potential for happiness is too great to pass up.

well, this is getting kinda long, don't wanna send too many of you running & screaming, bleeding from the eyes.

two final points.

I've just changed cubes here at work. pretty sad that I've had to move after only being here a little over two months. i like the new place better, i've got my back (and my monitor) to a wall, and my eyes facing the "door." i feel quite a bit more comfortable here. funny thing is, as I was moving stuff around, I found a CD-R behind the desk, popped it in the drive (once I got everything set up) and found an amazing collection of really bad MP3 files. i had thought the guy that used to occupy this cube seemed like a pretty decent "cool" guy, but this CD is filled with bad 80's hair metal music, Days of the New, frickin Matchbox 20, limp bizkit, and other stuff too horrible to mention. on the positive side, there's some Johnny Cash, a Duran Duran track, Prince, a couple Jane's Addiction, Foo Fighters… a few decent things. I hate to say it, but just having Matchbox20, limp bizkit, and Bush on the same disc kind of negates the coolness factor of the good stuff.

and finally, something I found that's just fuckin funny as hell. it's on this moderately interesting site word.com, that you should browse around after viewing this little shockwave goodie. **update 12/17/2004 this site now goes to Merriam-Webster Online. linkrot sucks.**

that's it. i'm out.

( OR, himself the fool makes )

the story thus far:
boy meets girl, boy falls madly in love with girl, boy and girl are very happy, girl leaves boy for idiot jerk, boy gets over girl, girl comes back on her knees but boy has another girl, boy loses other girl, boy finally forgives girl, girl finds boy again, boy has hope, boy finds out girl is still with idiot jerk.

story of my life. bad timing, miscommunication, falling for the wrong people. it would seem that happiness is truly the transient state, unhappiness is what life is made of.

i've also found that, should we ever learn to circumvent the effects of gravity, hope never will.

I think John Lennon said it best: "ow! hey, what the fuck!? ack."

but unlike John, I'll be ok.

well, I've finished one whole week at my new job, and I've gotta say, I'm loving it. It's amazing how quickly the day passes sitting in front of a computer doing something you enjoy. the most difficult thing has been trying to join a project in progress while figuring out how they do things. the biggest plus has been that I've already gotten a paycheck, after only having worked there one week (lucked out on the pay cycle), and that I got my first paycheck from my new job the same day I got my last paycheck from my old one, oh, and that my paycheck for one week at the new job was almost as much as my paycheck for two weeks at the old job. 'course, rent is due, and the landlords are charging us an extra hundred dollars since brian moved in, so rent alone almost took the sum total of both paychecks. once again, I'll be struggling the next two weeks to buy food, gas, and cigarettes.

so, my life looks to be shaping up somewhat, finally getting to the point I've wanted to reach for a long time now. but things are never perfect are they?

now that I've got a great job, that it looks like I'll actually enjoy, and that pays well–now that I don't have to worry about what I'm "doing with my life," and seem to actually be in a position to achieve happiness, at least on a professional level, I can now devote myself to other unsatisfactory aspects of my life. only once in my life have I glimpsed perfection, there was a time, over a year ago, when I had a great job, was making decent money, had a wonderful live-in girlfriend, and was very very happy. things obviously didn't work out, through a combination of internal and external influences, I pretty much lost it all. with this new job I'm starting to build that back. now I can get depressed over the failure of past relationships again. 'bout time.

work sucks
life sucks
love sucks
humidity sucks
rising price of gas sucks
being totally broke sucks
starving sucks
waking up sucks
having to sleep sucks
being bored sucks
writer's block sucks
my web design skills suck
math sucks
having to excrete sucks
losing all hope sucks
pretending you're happy sucks
webloggers who don't update their weblogs often enough suck
i suck

(there's a nice happy one for ya.)