i used to date this girl. she was the love of my life. for two years, through all the arguments and full-blown fights, i wanted nothing but to spend my life with her. maybe i didn't show it at all times, and i ended up paying for that in the end, but the feelings i had for this girl ran so deep it was scary. our relationship ended up imploding somewhere around the summer of 1999. we had just gotten back from a roadtrip to chicago (funny how that city plays such a factor in my life, huh?) to see the make-up. we hadn't talked for a couple of days, and i was feeling shitty about it. i woke up "that day" intending on taking her some flowers to patch up our latest argument. an argument that was pretty mild, compared to some of our throw-downs of the past couple of years. when i called her house to verify she was home, we talked for a while, and she ended up dumping me. before i had even gotten out of bed. before i had even taken my morning piss. i was devastated. i didn't know what to do with myself. i was completely lost and i didn't care. i shut the world out and let everything fall apart.

it's still hard to think about, even this far removed from the situation. it took me six long months to put it as far behind me as i could. i spent the first three of those drinking myself stupid, all alone, and sending my attendance record at work spiraling down into nothing. i let her manipulate me that whole time. my heart and mind were constantly being punished for caring too much.

but eventually i was able to move on, as she was too. i've interacted with her very little since then. i've remained pleasant towards her, trying to be the big guy. trying to keep things friendly. she, on the other hand, has been nothing but an ass.

what brings all of this on…i've heard some rather disturbing stories about her over the past year or so. for someone i cared so much about at one point, this really hurt. i felt bad for her. but she brings it all upon herself. she has some new beau who makes it apparent to everyone in earshot that's he's going to kick my ass. i still haven't heard any viable reason for his violent attitude towards me, and it puzzles the hell out of me. and to know that she puts up with this kind of shit, and if only half the stories i've heard are true…fuck it. my heart can't be wasted on someone that doesn't care enough about themselves to grow up. she's trying to remain an eternal 16 year-old, and someday that will all come crashing down.

i'm sure no one out there gives a fat rat's ass about any of this, and i'm not sure if it makes any sense. i guess i just needed to get it off of my chest.

this post is for you, girl. i wish you had some fucking sense.

i am sick as a dog. my throat has actually stopped hurting, for the most part, now i have one of those lovely head colds. i'm starting to think i actually have a fever, too. maybe i'll do a dramatic repeat of last year's 105 degree ride to the store…god i hope not.

so in the spirit of being sick, i did absolutely nothing today. unless you count laying in the floor playing playstation2 an "interesting activity", you'd be pretty bored hanging out with me today. i just hope i feel better tomorrow. i can't believe i'm saying this, but i actually want to get back to work.

i'm drawin' blanks, kids…time for me to shuffle back off to bed.

sorry i haven't update much lately. i've been pretty busy, and today it seems like my illness has come on fully. kinda like a freight train. i've been toughing it out, though. my throat is just shot. i've had all kinds of interesting sinus drainage (which i'm sure you're positively thrilled to hear about), and paul even made the comment earlier that i sound like an old jewish man. you'd have to hear his impression to get the full effect, but it's pretty spot on, i'd say. regardless…i may legitimately call in sick to work tomorrow. depends on how i feel, i guess.

and yeah…i had a pisser of a day yesterday. i took care of mailing a bunch of stuff…some ebay payments (paul's birthday gift!), a cd for a friend, and bob's check to pay him for being my friend. just kidding. like monsieur nanna, i am a kidder.

i then picked up my cat to take her over to my little sister's. my younger sibling has graciously agreed to watch my cat for a couple of weeks until i find a new place to live. i'm looking for a comfy little one bedroom job. as much as i like having roommates and people around, i love living on my lonesome. there's something peaceful about it.

well when i went to leave my sister's house, i went out to my car and had my last headlight burn out on me. i got my sister to run me down to autozone to get some new headlights, and then i came back and changed my headlights in the cold by pen light. talk about fun.

when i finally got home, we all decided to go see o brother, where art thou. wow. i loved that movie. but then again…i love every coen brothers movie. those guys just got it goin' on, i say. indeed.

today was one of those days that seemed to drag on and on and on. one good thing did come out of it, though:

while sitting at work for what seemed like an eternity, i ran across my very first website, complete with a flash roll-over intro (just minimize the pop-ups). this site was where the ideas for transmission3000 started to gel, and to tell the truth…we never finished it. we immediately started working on the concept for transmission3000 and ditched all development on fuckaround. i was delighted to see that fuckaround was still out there, though, polluting the internet in the ways that only it knows.

other historical note: transmission3000 was the secondary name picked after internic rejected fuckaround.com.

i got a package from little mention of the other day), but i was pleasantly surprised to discover that it was actually a copy of the book "the dark side of genius – the life of alfred hitchcock". even though braid was one of my favorite bands, i'd have to say that bob definitely exceeded my expectations. so a very huge thanks to you, bob. your (small) return gift is en route, my friend.

on that note…i think i'm actually going to get some shut-eye tonight.

i had another night of tossing and turning. i think i got a bit more sleep than the night before, but i'm still hurting. speaking of hurting, my throat has been sore for the better part of this week. it's not full blown, hurt to talk sore, but it's certainly scratchy and all that biz. definitely driving me nuts.

i was supposed to go out to some weird dance club last night with a couple of friends. the plan was to go and basically make a mockery out of the whole deal. i ended up being realy tired, and i found out later in the evening that no one ended up going. i didn't even remember about it until it was mentioned that they didn't go. oh well…there were no concrete plans, anyway.

i hope to get my living situation straightened out by the end of this month. i've been itching to get a new place for a while now, but now that the holidays are over, i can finally begin the search in earnest. i just have to get a few bills straightened out, and i'll be on my way. sounds like fun, doesn't it?

so today i found two lucky pennies. it didn't do me much good. i sat at work all day talking to the biggest assortment of idiots ever brought together. just another day in tech support, huh?

i barely slept a wink last night. i tossed and turned and let all the shit that i brush off during the daytime weigh down on my mind. i planned to go to bed much earlier tonight and i've so far failed miserably. i'm up at damn near 1am writing this post for no good reason.

i tricked my sister into watching my cat for me for a couple of weeks until i get a new apartment. i've been away from my clyde for way too long, and i'm sure she misses me like mad. yes my cat is a girl. yes her name is clyde. don't ask. the story doesn't make sense.

i got email from the editor-in-chief of marvel comics today. normally i don't flaunt the names of the luminaries (in my world) that i hold online correspondence with, but i have to make an exception for this one.

a little history:
joe quesada has been a favorite artist of mine for many a year. i started liking him way back when he did the six issue ray mini-series for dc. he went on to fill his plates with a ton of other projects, finally peaking (in my eyes) in his beautifully rendered (yet tragically late) run on daredevil, written by kevin smith. i was shocked and quite pleased to hear that joe was awarded for his amazing work on his own imprint, marvel knights, and was appointed to the highest office in the land (the comic book land, anyway): editor-in-chief of marvel comics. well joe has been on a tear, revolutionizing the way things are done at marvel, and signing on some heavy hitters to create new properties and to work on the classics like spider-man and the x-men. the x-men was the one i had issue with. he signed on an extremely talented, yet extremely british creator to draw one of the main x-books. the man's nationality doesn't come out in any sort of biased or nationalistic rant…it's just that he's a very line-heavy artist who has been known to draw some pretty nasty looking faces.

the point:
i decided on a whim to email joe about my issues with the artist, and joe took the time out of his day (which involved a huge x-men press conference) to shoot me an email back to let me know that my comment was valued, and that i should remain open to the prospects of said author drawing the title in question. so basically…i got an email from someone i really admire and that's freakin' cool.

i also have the coolest hellboy mousepad you'll ever see.

so kiss off.

if i've said it once, i've said it a thousand times…androids are frickin' dumb.

story:
i'm sitting at work, taking my usual calls, sitting there in a caffeine induced stupor. i take a call and i'm greeted by a completely unintelligible metallic garble from the other end. i decipher enough to notice that i'm talking to someone with a very pronounced speech impediment. this lady also took it upon herself to compound the problem that life handed her by calling me from a severely distorted phone. i later discovered this woman to be a complete and total idiot. i had to spend twenty minutes trying to explain to her what a power cord is. you know…the little thingie that you plug into the wall to make it so you can turn things on? she spent an eternity unplugging everything in sight (including the hair dryer and george foreman grill, i'm sure) before i finally convinced her to trace the cord from the source (the cable modem) to it's endpoint (the wall). science, people…you gotta love it.

that's all you'll get outta me.

i lied. i did do something this weekend. i went out to see what will probably be the last kilowatthours show. they rocked the house. of all the people i went with, i was the only one that actually watched them play. matt, paul, and brax just sat in the other room drinking pitchers of beer. they had a friend in from out of own, so i guess it was excusable.

there's a great interview with ian mackeye over at salon. it's hard to believe that dischord is turning 20 this year. i'm looking forward to seeing what they stick on this 2 cd retrospective. i'm also pleased to find out that they're working on a dvd version of the instrument film, complete with extra features. [thanks to missy for the interview link]

okay…now i'll work…

after limping the car into work on barely any gas, mainly because the bank wasn't open when i was on my way to work. long story. maybe i'll tell you sometime.

other than that, my day is going fine. i just polished off a delicious raisin bagel, and i'm actually not having a horrible day. i still have to worry about getting to the bank later, but other than that, it should be no sweat from here on out.

i didn't do much this weekend. i mainly sat around the house, enjoying the alone time. being the antisocialite that i am, this is about the only way i can decompress. just sit around, all alone, and read a book. i've been tearing into the book nanette got me for christmas, the complete hitchcock. it's concentrates solely on the movies, giving in-depth details about the plot and other details. it doesn't have much about hitch, the man, though. i'll have to look into grabbing a book more geared toward that area.

new complete waste of time: the trl photobooth. highlights for me include lucy liu, adam sandler, elizabeth hurley (with brendan fraser), janeane garofalo, and claire danes with that dead weight boyfriend of hers. [courtesy of mal]

now i'm back to the grind…

i woke up pretty late again today. somehow i ended up sleeping until 1pm. i had some weird dreams last night. both of which were presented to me as movies. both very serious movies starring very not-serious actors. the first was a police/crime/murder drama starring…get this…tim allen. it involved stakeouts and a rogue cop as stalking murderer. tim allen was the ranking officer involved in the sting. strange as hell. the next one, though, had a freakin' title. it was some weird supernatural, pseudo-horror film-thing starring matthew perry as a evil warlock. it was entitled "36." this dream was only shown to me as a short trailer, so that's about all the details i got. if i keep having dreams like these…i don't think i'm going to sleep anymore. it's just way too weird to wake up from these things, i tell you.

we went out to wendy's for lunch. i was able to get some "chicken revenge" on moby dick for last night, i guess. i devoured my chicken nuggets and topped the meal off with a frosty. matt waxed philosophical about the thermodynamics of soft-serve ice cream, and we got to delight in how strung out the woman at the counter was. paul's quote: "matt…that is what you call a crackwhore, just in case you've never seen one."

we plan on going to check out the kilowatthours tonight. it's their last show before ben moves out to new york, so it may end up being their last show period. i think guy will be joining us, so that should be a good time.

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