it's amazing to me how just a few little words from the right person can brighten a day so much.

a very dear friend of mine has recently bloggerized her online journal, and her latest entry contains an excerpt from one of my most recent emails. aside from her compliments, which are humbly accepted, the thing that meant the most to me, the thing that brought a smile to my face and warmed my heart, was when she called me "dear."

this girl means so much to me. she is the love of my life, the one woman who to this day, if she were simply to ask, could prompt me to drop everything and go to be with her. she is the holy grail of my arthurian crusade. (and if you think i'm going a little off the deep end and risking freaking her out, don't you worry your little heads none–she's heard all this before… and much more) despite the fact that our time together came and went a long time ago, i value her friendship most of all.

ok, here's a reduced calorie version of the post i attempted to make the other day.

( or, the story of the year 2000 )

other things that happened pre-bipolar:

started the year in the arms of a beautiful woman, who i ended up falling in love with, and who ended up leaving me a couple months later.
lost my job of two years at the local bookstore, because of my own negligence.
spent two months off work, before breaking down and taking the Kinko's job (around the time of bipolar's first month).

so, now it's a new year, i've got the perfect job, and i'm making good money. hopefully this year will be a little better than the last.

made an interesting discovery last night when i walked into one of my ex's former places of employment. we strolled in (brian & I) to drop off the cameras from our recent chicago trip, and the person behind the counter recognized me. i said hello, then asked if he'd talked to my ex lately. last thing he heard, he said, was that she'd just gotten married.

WHOA! married!? we only broke up this past February!

i somehow maintained my composure, saying only "well. that's quite a shock."

he said it pretty much was a surprise to everybody. no shit.

so basically, this girl that i was totally digging on at the beginning of this year, and who dumped me at least partly because i "fell in love too fast," is now married after apparently only dating her new hubby for (by my estimates) six months. that's pretty fucked up.

y'know. i had a whole novel floating around in my mind, but now that i start writing about it, i see it really isn't all that important. i cared a great deal about her, but she obviously didn't about me, so that pretty much absolves me from continuing to care about her, right?

i think i just deleted about 8 lines or so. guess i'll stop trying to write in circles. try to stop my head from spinning.

thought i'd actually use a song lyric for the title this time, even though that's brian's m.o. it fits, especially considering the fact that we're going to chicago to see the monkeywrench.

well, i haven't updated in a few days again. seems i've actually been finding things to do at work this past week. or, i guess, "having things forced upon me" would be a more appropriate statement. that, and i guess i tend to have less to talk about when i'm not allowing myself to be snubbed by women.

i know brian's already been touting puffin-a-go-go over on his side for a few days now (he's also been updating much more regularly and voluminously than i have, of late) but i'm gonna mention it anyway. it's nice to finally be able to link to Paul without having to resort to that out-dated crappy coffeemonk.com site. oh. wait. that's one of mine. it's crappy and out-of-date because i'm a lazy bastard. BUT puffin-a-go-go is neither crappy or out-dated, in fact, it's pretty damn snazzy, and you should check it out. knowing Paul as well as i do, i know it'll be a neat place to visit.

ok. i think that's four. that should just about catch me up to brian.

let me just state for the record that i am frightened as hell that g. dubya might be our next president. if that happens, brian, jack, and i may be on the earliest flight to australia following the announcement. hell, maybe we could even get walk-on parts as stormtroopers in the next Star Wars flick.

my day today has been interesting i suppose. woke up late, as usual, got to work much later than usual since i had to drive brian's non-car-repairing ass to work. checked my daily sites and then looked up the nearest locations of valvoline and big-o tires so i could get my car in tip-top shape for the arduous journey to chicago. on lunch, i went and got four new tires. unfortunately, i couldn't get them on credit, so i ended up spending more than i'd wanted to.

after work, went to get the fluids checked/changed/whatever expecting like $30 – $40 or something. nope. i let the guy do what needed to be done, and it ended up costing me over $70. again, more than i expected.

now, of course, my car's in good shape, but my wallet is looking a little ill. this will have to be a cheap chicago trip. i'm just hoping they sell mickeys up there. it's cheap, but it's oh so good.

though we'll be gone for the weekend, we'll be at least attempting to update bipolar while we're up there. i'm gonna pack up my trusty laptop so you all can revel in the avalanche of joy we are sure to experience. i'm really looking forward to hangin with nanette and co.

MARK ARM!

well, i'm back on the job today, after taking two days off for that whole birthday thing. thinking, yeah. i'll take two days off, come in on Friday, then have TWO MORE days off… well guess what? we're on a deadline. "we need help and you're the only man who can do it, you're the last man available, can you, maybe, work this weekend? please?"

"yeah, i guess."

ah well, this'll make it much easier for me to get next Friday off to go up to chicago and watch one of my absolute most favorite bands in existence, the monkeywrench. their latest album is pretty kick ass, btw, but i've long considered Clean As a Broke Dick Dog to be one of the greatest albums of all time. it's definitely in my (not-really-defined) top-ten.

hm. this week has been a little odd, both nights that i was off work, i ended up getting drunk (not wasted drunk, but pleasantly drunk). this is not like me. my friends usually bitch about me "never drinking with them." sad thing last night was i was drunk after only two pints of Bass. i guess i've become a lightweight again. well, we'll have to fix that.

oh, and i still haven't heard from her. i'm trying not to think about it, because, y'know, fuck her if she can't make a little effort to at least pretend she cares. lip service is all i've gotten (and no, not that kind of lip service). a person can talk about how much they care until the mad cows come home, but it doesn't mean shit if they can't make a little effort to show you. yeah, maybe she's busy, maybe she's got stuff going on. she could still take five minutes to call & leave a message, or just say hey, can't talk right now, but wanted to say hi. even that would at least be something. can't you tell i'm trying not to think about this? oh yeah.

seems like brian's been admirably picking up my slack around here, updating bipolar on a regular basis while i've been busy doing a bunch of nothing.

first off, thanks to the executors of the Sebastian Stirling estate for their birthday well-wishes, all the more meaningful considering their recent loss.

i've certainly had a decent birthday. can't complain too much. yesterday, i had my 90 day evaluation at Corvus and got a raise! if that doesn't make for a decent birthday, i don't know what does.

spent most of the day today lounging around the house in my bathrobe, as I like to do, surfing the web, pricing new computers. looks like i'm going to end up going the sony VAIO route. and as brian said, "they made the PlayStation 2, how can you go wrong?"

had a good dinner and good beer with good friends at the irish rover (with no horrible bitch waitress in sight), and afterwards went to the hideaway saloon with brian and proceeded to drink two more pints and play some really bad drunken pool.

and finally, i told you all that stuff partly to avoid thinking about this–
she didn't remember. not that i'm surprised, mind you, but after i, on her birthday, and after not having spoken to her in like 4 or 5 months, wrote her a letter and made the effort to rekindle at least a friendship of some sort, i had kind of hoped that she would. i guess she's too busy being the little queen bee, having all her little drones buzzing around her (-like i used to do-), and doesn't have time to remember the birthday of the person she keeps assuring is her best friend in the world. agh. enough of that.

i am a happy person, see :^)

**update 12/17/2004** signaldrench is no more, now there's newartillery

from Merriam-Webster OnLine Dictionary:

as in, something i am trying not to be, to her.

it's amazing how similar life can be for so many different people, so many similar experiences, so many similar feelings, wants, needs, hopes, fears. i was having trouble thinking of what i was going to write about today, so i took a few moments to read the latest posts on jack's site and almost immediately knew what i had to write about today.

it's been almost a week since I talked to her, the last time being only briefly on the phone last tuesday, following that nice, grueling discussion we'd had on monday. for some reason i can't feel that it's over, that this chapter in my history is really closed yet. i suppose that's why it's been so difficult to write about it at times, there's been no real closure.

we both know each other too well to totally discount the possibilities.

one of the things she said to me, or asked me rather, when we were talking, and that added to the thought that perhaps she really has grown up somewhat, was a pointed question about me. she asked me what it was that i was afraid of. what scared me. i couldn't really answer that, but i was pretty sure i knew what she was getting at. i mean, i'm not totally fearless, but i couldn't think of anything at that moment that really scared me, or that i worried about. i'm in a pretty happy place right now, i've got a good job, making decent money, i'm actually paying utility bills on time, and may even be able to start paying off other debts shortly. anyway, she supplied my answer for me.

"i think," she said, "you're afraid of being alone."

and you know, she's probably right. at times i very much fear that i will spend the rest of my life without someone with whom to share it. i have the most wonderful friends anyone could ever ask for, but sometimes that's just not enough. and it's just made worse by the idea that i've been so close to her, and others as well, that i thought we'd be together forever. even still, i could see myself with her.

i've grown up some myself, i don't think i'm as afraid of being alone as i was when she knew me. i still am to a point, but i also know that i can make it on my own.

it's been kind of a weird few weeks, what with the "return" of the ex-girlfriend, and i've had quite a bit on my mind.

most recently, we shared a few hours together after she got off work one night, sitting out in the grass in back of the mall, talking about things. the majority of the things that i most wanted to say to her are basically forbidden in light of our previous relationship. i couldn't think of any way to say them without looking like I was "out to destroy" her current relationship just in order to get her back, which i'm not.

sure, i still care about her a great deal, still have very deep feelings for her, and still think she is — despite the many mistakes she's made, and the amount of growing up she still needs to do — she is still a wonderful girl. if i thought i could get her back and we'd be perfectly happy, and everything would be wonderful, i'd probably try. but i know that things aren't that easy.

she is still with "idiot-jerk" and decidedly unhappy. this much came out in our hour & 1/2 long conversation the other night, wherein she, without my prompting, vocalized many of the observations and concerns about her that had been occupying my own thoughts. the fact that she knows what kind of situation she's in, that she can articulate the many problems, gives me hope that maybe she really has grown up a bit. still, she continues to endure her situation, and even admits to not having the "strength" at this point to end it (because it's been going on so long).

do you know how frustrating it is to be able to see so clearly how wrong things are and to not be able to do anything about them? i'm sure some of you do, i'm sure some of you have the same vision i have, the same ability to understand how people work… and i'm sure it drives you fucking nuts, just like it does me. do I sound like I'm tooting my own horn here? saying "I understand people!" possibly, but it's more a curse than anything really desirable.

i wish i could just say "end it," "let go," "wake up," or something similar, but I can't. it's something she has to do on her own. if i cause it, if i influence it anymore than just pointing it out to her, then it's not going to do her any good. perhaps if she can — separate herself from the situation — she can find herself, gain that strength that she needs, and learn the lessons she's being taught. if i can help her do that, without compromising the process, i will try.

anyway. this shit's been keeping me up at night, and I had to get it off my chest. thanks for listening.

( OR, himself the fool makes )

the story thus far:
boy meets girl, boy falls madly in love with girl, boy and girl are very happy, girl leaves boy for idiot jerk, boy gets over girl, girl comes back on her knees but boy has another girl, boy loses other girl, boy finally forgives girl, girl finds boy again, boy has hope, boy finds out girl is still with idiot jerk.

story of my life. bad timing, miscommunication, falling for the wrong people. it would seem that happiness is truly the transient state, unhappiness is what life is made of.

i've also found that, should we ever learn to circumvent the effects of gravity, hope never will.

I think John Lennon said it best: "ow! hey, what the fuck!? ack."

but unlike John, I'll be ok.